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Beauty Crown


bee3

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Here's a new one... just the start of it. Not sure where it's going yet... it's a half-baked idea at this point.

http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12087268

Beauty Crown

She refused the beauty crown
Dropped her flowers, ripped her gown
Left alone and then she headed into town

She feels better with a drink
Helps her when she doesn't think
It's so tragic that her life is on the brink

Her father never loved her, nor did her mother
In fact they never really cared for one another
So their little girl is the one who has to suffer
And find her way alone in the world

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great start

Some questions to help you hone in the story

Why was she in the pageant if she was just going to refuse the beauty crown?
Did something maybe happen along the way that made her change her mind?
Are you sure her mother and father never loved her or did she just not feel it?

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In my head, I was thinking it was more of a homecoming queen kind of thing... she didn't really have a choice. May have to adjust that.

Unsure of the mother/father love thing yet. How can a mother and father not love their kid? Maybe I'll go with her not feeling it... I have to believe there is some humanity left in this world.

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Quote Originally Posted by rhino55

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What does it mean when the homecoming queen can only think of when she can leave

 

That's pretty awkwardly worded! I'm not sure what you mean if you're directing it to me.
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Quote Originally Posted by bee3 View Post
That's pretty awkwardly worded! I'm not sure what you mean if you're directing it to me.
lol... nope. There is a lyric in here somewhere.

As she left she screamed
you tell me what it means
when the homecoming queen's
only hope is to leave
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Quote Originally Posted by bee3 View Post
Here's a new one... just the start of it. Not sure where it's going yet... it's a half-baked idea at this point.

http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12087268

Beauty Crown

She refused the beauty crown
Dropped her flowers, ripped her gown
Left alone and then she headed into town

She feels better with a drink
Helps her when she doesn't think
It's so tragic that her life is on the brink

Her father never loved her, nor did her mother
In fact they never really cared for one another
So their little girl is the one who has to suffer
And find her way alone in the world
I really like this song so far. The verses could use a little touching up, not much more.

I'm not crazy about "her life is on the brink."

I was thinking maybe...

She refused the beauty crown
Dropped the flowers, ripped her gown
Left the stage and hit the nearest bar in town

She feels better when she drinks
Helps her cope, or so she thinks
If you asked her she would tell you that life stinks

Her father never loved her, nor did her mother
In fact they never really cared for one another
Left without a buffer she's the one who has to suffer
And find her way alone in the world


Just some ideas.
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Quote Originally Posted by LCK View Post
I really like this song so far. The verses could use a little touching up, not much more.

I'm not crazy about "her life is on the brink."

I was thinking maybe...

She refused the beauty crown
Dropped the flowers, ripped her gown
Left the stage and hit the nearest bar in town

She feels better when she drinks
Helps her cope, or so she thinks
If you asked her she would tell you that life stinks

Her father never loved her, nor did her mother
In fact they never really cared for one another
Left without a buffer she's the one who has to suffer
And find her way alone in the world


Just some ideas.
Thanks! I'll definitely use some of that. wink.gif
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Justin - the way you are telling your story reminded me of Paul Simon's song.
Have a listen to the way he does it and also his commentary of the situation at the very end.
The overall structure may be of use to you.

What you've got musically thus far is great - I really like the descending riff at the end of the verses and how it ends in an unexpected and unresolved place.

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I really like your melody on this one. It's very fresh and interesting - unpredictable without being strange.

Lyrically, I think the two verses are great. I think your original words are better than LCK's suggestions, which drift a little too close to triteness for my taste (sorry, Lee). However, I think the third stanza (bridge?) is a little too much of a tell, and also too much of a well-worn story. I'd look for a way to make it a little less direct and a little more interesting.

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Nice job man. Hope you don't mind a newbie commenting. I'm out of place on here anyway, a rocker on a singer/songwriter forum, but I really liked the vocal, also did you do the backing vocals also, because they sounded great. For some reason, to me, it sounds like something John Lennon could've written for Double Fantasy. Again great job.

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