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Adrift (formerly Untitled)

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  • bee3
    started a topic Adrift (formerly Untitled)

    Adrift (formerly Untitled)

    The start of something...  as usual, just a verse and chorus to show you what I'm thinking. I don't know... are these lyrics just too... :manfrustrated:

     

    http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12121925

     

    We slipped into unconsciousness

    But consciously we stayed adrift

    Abstract notions strangely intertwined 

    Reflecting love and hate and right and wrong

    But willfully we move along

    Ignoring all the warning signs

    Our minds just may be gone

    Too far along

    We did not know

    Help was right around the corner


  • rsadasiv
    replied
    Bot bump for bee3.

    Leave a comment:


  • Monkey Uncle
    replied

    I've been away from the computer for a few days and missed the discussion on this one.  I agree with LCK on leaving the words as they are in the first version you posted.  As a listener, I prefer the more open, abstract meaning that leaves me some options as to how I interpret it.  However, I do think the song could use another verse.  I have no ideas on the direction it should take, but right now the song just seems incomplete with that long instrumental section following the one verse.

    One other minor nit - The rapid-fire delivery of the "right around the corner" line felt too harsh for me.  I'm wondering if there is a way to slow that down and soften it up a bit.  I don't think there is anything wrong with the words themselves, just the way they are delivered.

    Almost forgot to mention - I like it a lot.

    Leave a comment:


  • LouKelso
    replied

    bee3 wrote:

    The start of something...  as usual, just a verse and chorus to show you what I'm thinking. I don't know... are these lyrics just too... :manfrustrated:

     

    http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12121925

     

    We slipped into unconsciousness

    But consciously we stayed adrift

    Abstract notions strangely intertwined 

    Reflecting love and hate and right and wrong

    But willfully we move along

    Ignoring all the warning signs

    Our minds just may be gone

    Too far along

    We did not know

    Help was right around the corner


     

    To my way of thinking, the part in blue is the essential hub of the song.

    I wouldn't change a damn thing, lyrically. (Which is high praise, coming from me...)

     

    Leave a comment:


  • oldgitplayer
    replied

    I read the lyric first, and went......hmmmmmm.

    I then listened - and I love it. Musically its really terrific. I enjoyed it so much, I couldn't care less about the lyric. I think it's a classic case of songs needing to be heard and not read.

    I love the piano work so much, I'd suggest that your final arrangement have 50% instrumental work and 50% vocal. Whatever you write, it can be a mood lyric, with only the faintest hint of meaning.

    Leave a comment:













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