Moderators Lee Knight Posted April 26, 2013 Moderators Share Posted April 26, 2013 http://soundcloud.com/albert-s-j-lee-knight-3/bend-proof-of-concept-edit-eq So... this is just me singing late at night as I work out melody. Total throw away vocal. Just a verse, pre and the first two lines of a chorus. The question, how's the melody working? The other question? How's the V1 lyric working in a musical context. It always made sense to me... but others have pointed out that it doesn't really make sense at all. "What's this song about?" Does hearing the music I've been hearing in my head help? Or do I need to really whip that V1 into shape? I like it, but now I have my doubts. http://soundcloud.com/albert-s-j-lee-knight-3/bend-proof-of-concept-edit-eq V140 hours a week, they've been lookin' at you likeYou ain't from around hereBut they're wrong, born and raised, Kentucky flowerYour colors growin' wilder every year Pre1You never joined the water-cooler chain gangYou never buckled to the pressure of the same-same C1(they tell ya) You got to bend, so you bend the other wayDig in and bend, laughin' like a child at playBend like Kentucky Goldenrod, fighting the windBend like it's the last time, then here it comes againThey want you leaning backward but instead you lean inYeah, you gotta bend Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted April 26, 2013 Author Moderators Share Posted April 26, 2013 Oh... and the chorus. I have 3 lines that do a build to the end of the chorus rhyming wind, again, lean in, building to the pay off line. But I think I need to whittle it down to 2 (maybe). And if I do, here's what I propose. From this... (they tell ya) You got to bend, so you bend the other wayDig in and bend, laughin' like a child at playBend like Kentucky Goldenrod, fighting the windBend like it's the last time, then here it comes againThey want you leaning backward but instead you lean inYeah, you gotta bend to this: (they tell ya) You got to bend, so you bend the other wayDig in and bend, laughin' like a child at playBend like it's the last time fighting the windThey want you leaning backward but instead you lean inYeah, you gotta bend Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted April 26, 2013 Members Share Posted April 26, 2013 This is great Lee, instant and fantastic. Love that little Pre, have you considered a perfect rhyme there? I think it may add something Eg. You never joined the water-cooler chain gangYou never buckled to the pressure of the new slang or You never joined the water-cooler chain gangYou never buckled to the pressure of the bang bang Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted April 26, 2013 Members Share Posted April 26, 2013 Grabs my attention right away, great open. Almost had a country Neil Young flavor to it. I think it can work but for some reason the scratch vocal is getting in my way and I'm having a hard time seeing past it. You definitely need more energy in the keeper take. Two areas that stood out to me as needing something: "But they're wrong, born and raised, Kentucky flower"That "but" gets me every time (three listens), and not for the usual reason. It just gets in the way of me taking a mental breather. "so you bend the other way"^This line is critical lyrically, but it is almost a throwaway melodically. If the melody stays, then I hope you work the arrangement to make it pop more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted April 26, 2013 Author Moderators Share Posted April 26, 2013 Oswlek wrote: Grabs my attention right away, great open. Almost had a country Neil Young flavor to it. I think it can work but for some reason the scratch vocal is getting in my way and I'm having a hard time seeing past it. You definitely need more energy in the keeper take. Two areas that stood out to me as needing something: "But they're wrong, born and raised, Kentucky flower" That "but" gets me every time (three listens), and not for the usual reason. It just gets in the way of me taking a mental breather. "so you bend the other way" ^This line is critical lyrically, but it is almost a throwaway melodically. If the melody stays, then I hope you work the arrangement to make it pop more. Having a hard time seeing past the scratch vocal? It's only there to show the melody and how the lyric plays out. If there's a problem, then it's a problem with the writing I would think. Because I'm sure you're capable of seeing past a scratch vocal. Some of the rhythm is hosed in my execution but I think my intent with it is clear. Can you narrow down what's not working for you? Right now I'm getting that you don't like the scratch vocal. As far as "bend the other way", I could stay up on the tonic note that the opening "BEND!" uses. Right? BEND! Stay up high there.> BUT YOU BEND THE (up to the m3rd)OTHER (back down)WAY! The "but" in but they're wrong. I'm not sure I can get away with cutting that but I'll try. It might make it worse. Maybe not, and I definitely want to try that cause I know what you mean... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted April 26, 2013 Author Moderators Share Posted April 26, 2013 Oh no, I love Mustang. And I do have two free courses they can either repeat themselves or add new bits so I'm holding onto Mustang for now. It doesn't matter so much if they are all by definition wild, what matters is that it paints that picture of wildness, of her being a Mustang and that is awesome! So she's not a tame Mustang, she's a Wild mustang! Works for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted April 26, 2013 Author Moderators Share Posted April 26, 2013 Pardon the Siri interpreted stuff above. That's pre-chorus Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted April 26, 2013 Members Share Posted April 26, 2013 She could be a 'top-down Mustang' (supercharged of course)....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted April 26, 2013 Members Share Posted April 26, 2013 I loved listening to this.I haven't read all the other comments yet, because I want to shoot with my first impressions.Music is perfect. The lyric could be tweaked in a couple of places for better flow. V140 hours a week, they look at you like.......try doing this in the immediate tense.You ain't from around hereBut they're wrong, born and raised, Kentucky flowerColors growin' wilder every year......try dropping the pronoun - it's usually implied anyway. Pre1You never joined the water-cooler chain gangNever buckled to the pressure of the same-same ......try dropping the pronoun C1(they tell ya) You got to bend, so you bend the other wayDig in and bend, laughin' like a child at playBend like Kentucky Goldenrod, fighting the windBend like it's the last time, then here it comes againThey want you leaning backward but instead you lean inYeah, you gotta bend Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted April 26, 2013 Members Share Posted April 26, 2013 Lee Knight wrote: Oh... and the chorus. I have 3 lines that do a build to the end of the chorus rhyming wind, again, lean in, building to the pay off line. But I think I need to whittle it down to 2 (maybe). And if I do, here's what I propose. From this... (they tell ya) You got to bend, so you bend the other way Dig in and bend, laughin' like a child at playBend like Kentucky Goldenrod, fighting the windBend like it's the last time, then here it comes againThey want you leaning backward but instead you lean in Yeah, you gotta bend to this: (they tell ya) You got to bend, so you bend the other way Dig in and bend, laughin' like a child at playBend like it's the last time fighting the windThey want you leaning backward but instead you lean in Yeah, you gotta bend OK - so you haven't demo'd this part yet, but to read, I feel the doubling of 'Bend like.....' has a more powerful build than when you do it just the once. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Monkey Uncle Posted April 27, 2013 Members Share Posted April 27, 2013 First off - you absolutely nailed the verse melody. And you showed that you do have some of that greasy-slidey redneck stuff in your vocal repertoire.However, I'm still not crazy about the 1st verse lyric. The great melody certainly dressed it up and made it go down easier than just reading it off a page, but for me, it's still not setting up enough conflict to justify the "eff you" tone of the chorus. It's not that the verse doesn't make sense; I'm completely getting what the verse is about. It's just that the verse doesn't really get me interested in the character.And for some reason, the "child at play" line in the chorus seems like the wrong image. I didn't notice it before, but it sticks out when it's sung. There's something too innocent about that image in the context of this song.And while I'm picking nits, the chord in the pre-chorus didn't sit right for some reason. Is that Em (ii)? I just pulled out the guitar and tried an E7 there, and it sounded a little better to my ear. But I've got no business giving you theory advice.All in all though, it's sounding pretty good. I think you're on to something. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted April 27, 2013 Author Moderators Share Posted April 27, 2013 Hey Phil, really great input above. I love every point you made in both your posts. I'll look further into them. Great stuff, thanks. And thanks MU. I'm going to look further into your points about this well. As far as the lyric in verse one, I'm either going to need a great epiphany from above, Or keep it where it's at. I'm not opposed to making sweeping and bold changes, in other words completely rethinking the first verse. But I don't have a bold idea to replace that one yet. But you're not alone in pointing to that first verse as being something that doesn't work for you. I'm keeping an open mind on all this. Thank you guys, great stuff. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted April 27, 2013 Author Moderators Share Posted April 27, 2013 Oh, and good call on a child at play. The line is almost right. In fact I kind of think it works in some ways but I agree, there's got to be something better and I'm looking for it. The idea of her laughing like a kid totally lost in play appeals to me. But the phrase child at play is clunky here. I hear you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted April 28, 2013 Members Share Posted April 28, 2013 Track on the OP sounds great. Still catching up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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