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Too Loud


Uh_Me

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So while working on another song, I came up with this riff and quickly threw this recording together. Again, quality not the best audio wise or vocally, but meh. I only have a pcm recorder and I'm not a singer. Tell me what you think lyrically and musically. You can judge my vocals if you want but like I said.... 

 

(Title Currently Under Construction)

 http://anthonylong.bandcamp.com/track/you-get-what-you-give

 

You Get What You Give(?) 

It's hard to believe

Given what I know.

Can't Take a leap of faith

Because my faith didn't grow.

I hear the truth

But wait for reprise.

You've done your worst

So I can't recognize.

An oasis when I see it

It's a mirage 'til I feel it.

You take back what you give

And more if I need it.

I'm dry as a stone, now

All skin and bone

You cut open my wrist

And decided to bleed it.

A silver tongue

Gets you what you want

But with an iron lung

You've always sung

This same old song

Until your throat was soar

And you sang it all the way

To the door.

I'll break your hand

When you reach for my food.

I'll hold you back

When you go near my shoes.

I'll walk away

When I see you drown

You get what you give

Its your turn now.

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The open is cool, but you'd have a much strong verse if you tamed it by strumming the guitar once per chord.  So, do a single strum at 0:38, then another at 0:40, etc.  Not only would the verse be much cooler, but the chorus would seem more vibrant by comparison.

As for the lyric, I could take it or leave it.  We all enjoy a cathartic "I hate you" tune, so if the music is strong enough it could probably work.  There isn't anything that jumps out as being particularly good to me, though.

The chorus is where you earn your money in a song like this, so I'll point out two weak spots there:

"When you go near my shoes."

What?  That is almost certainly written for the rhyme.

"And your too loud"

You need a much stronger line to serve as the anchor of the song.  Despite the weak "shoes" line, the chorus makes it clear how you feel about this person and then your killer line is "you're too loud"?  That line needs a serious upgrade.

One other thing, I know you aren't a singer, but you have to turn up the vocals a little bit anyway.  I could barely hear them making it almost impossible to say much about the attempted vocal melody.

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Thanks for the input. The "shoes" line" has the same meaning as the "food" line. That they've taken enough, done enough damage and now your putting a stop to it.

 

But I'll try the slowing it down a bit during the verse. Might make it a little easier to sing too lol.

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Uh\_Me wrote:

So while working on another song, I came up with this riff and quickly threw this recording together. Again, quality not the best audio wise or vocally, but meh. I only have a pcm recorder and I'm not a singer. Tell me what you think lyrically and musically. You can judge my vocals if you want but like I said....

 

 

Too Loud

I find it hard to believe 

Given What I know 

Can't take a leap of faith 

'Cause my faith didn't grow. 


I hear the truth 

But Can't recognize. 

You've done your worst 

Now I stay paralyzed. 


chorus: 

I break your hand 

when you reach for my food. 

I hold you back 

When you go near my shoes. 

I walk away 

when I see you drown. 

I'm having a good day 

And your too loud 


A silver tongue 

Gets you what you want 

But with an iron lung 

You've always sung 


This same old song 

Until your throat was sore 

And you sang it 

All the way to the door 

(Chorus)

 

 

grin

There's always room for a good put-down song!

Since this is the songwriting forum and not the super-slick-studio-production forum, and you've already acknowledged some compromises in that department, we'll leave recording quality aside. wink.gif

I enjoyed the cheekiness -- and that stabbing guitar stretch/squeal that starts the solo made my day. 

And, while it is, without question, something of a throwaway, it has a message, stays on point through the verses, and has a couple of colorful bits supporting its central message. 

Now... the chorus... I'm not saying it doesn't kind of work in here, given the givens, but it gives me the vibe that it's almost from a different song/context. From the rest of the song, I get the impression that the target of the song's ire is an overblown, self-important rockstar or wannabe rockstar type.

But if I look at the words of the chorus, they almost seem like they're from a song about living on the street -- the defensiveness about the food and shoes, see, and maybe the disregard for the other guy's very existence (which seems kind of on-the-edge, shrugging off someone else's life and death). 

So, while the tone of derision and contempt is consistent, the shift between the 'rockstar' angles (which I might be misinterpretting for that matter) and the chorus bit seems like it opens up more questions than it answers...

 

Now, I get the sense that this wasn't necessarily meant to be a work of great literary moment, something to go down through the ages.  wink.gif So, while you might want to rework it, you might also simply take what you've learned and move on to the next song.

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  • 3 weeks later...
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So, I listned to this one again, and realized I didn't like it. At all (save the lyric). So I did a MAJOR overhaul on the music and I really think it makes it better. Its not something I would normally write (a garage rock, riff oriented thing), but I like it sorta. I changed the last line of the chorus, and slowed down the song a bit. Some input?

 

http://anthonylong.bandcamp.com/track/im-having-a-good-day-dont-ruin-it-now

 

Edit:lol, so I can edit posts, huh? My bad.

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