Members LCK Posted April 5, 2013 Members Share Posted April 5, 2013 Final version of the lyric? The track -- Alan Fuqua (piano), Dave Carpenter (bass), Peter Erskine (drums) -- is in Eb, so the high notes are too high for me to sing well. As a result, I've adjusted the tune a little here and there.The main questions are, does this version of the lyric fit the mood of the tune and feel finished to you? (Words in bold are new changes, written after I recorded the tune.) "Summer's Waltz"(2:59)Sunlit patches of grass and trees,screen door latches and buzzing bees,and a walk down the block for chocolate malts,they Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted April 5, 2013 Moderators Share Posted April 5, 2013 Very nice. You'll need a couple of bars after V1 to not feel rushed into V2. Just the same that is already there after V2 into the bridge. And... perhaps it's a little too fast for the lyric. So the melody works but feels a bit cramped in the lyric. A slower tempo and it should fly nicely. And... ...I was never crazy about "halts" and now I'm less so. It really sticks out to me. It just has too much of the Nazi prison camp guard shouting at the escaping prisoner vibe. Sort of the antithesis of the vibe you've got going. All in all... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted April 5, 2013 Moderators Share Posted April 5, 2013 And you might consider truncating the first word of each refrain to just... All part of summer's waltz. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted April 5, 2013 Author Members Share Posted April 5, 2013 Lee Knight wrote: Very nice. You'll need a couple of bars after V1 to not feel rushed into V2. Yeah, I was following the pianist's lead. He did some heavy back-phrasing at the end of V1, then rushed into V2.As for "halts," it's a puzzle as to what to use instead. In one version I had:"There's a reason the season hurries then halts..." thinking the alliteration might pull things together better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted April 5, 2013 Moderators Share Posted April 5, 2013 Yeah, I think you're right about that. I just wanted to comment on that in case you were unaware. But for what you've done and how you're doing it this is awesome. Time to get your lady friend with the piano skills involved. This is going to be awesome. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted April 5, 2013 Author Members Share Posted April 5, 2013 Lee Knight wrote: Yeah, I think you're right about that. I just wanted to comment on that in case you were unaware. But for what you've done and how you're doing it this is awesome. Time to get your lady friend with the piano skills involved. This is going to be awesome. Yeah, that would be the next step.I'd also like to get permission from the publisher to go ahead with this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted April 5, 2013 Moderators Share Posted April 5, 2013 Which is of course a great idea but don't let it stop you. Sometimes the whole better to ask forgiveness than permission thing works here too. Not legally of course, but it's not illegal to record a demo. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted April 5, 2013 Members Share Posted April 5, 2013 Very nice. I like the "yet I know" coming out of the bridge. I agree with Lee that the other transitions felt too rushed, but that one works so well. "Halts" doesn't bother me, FWIW, though "hurries" is probably better due to not only the alliteration, but that those two words contrast each other better. "Twirls" really has nothing to do with "halts" so it doesn't connect as well as it should. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted April 5, 2013 Moderators Share Posted April 5, 2013 Hmm. Phil may be onto something here. How about a little of That Was a Very Good Year? Maybe only once maybe every time but how about, what I remember from summers waltz Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted April 5, 2013 Author Members Share Posted April 5, 2013 Lee Knight wrote: Hmm. Phil may be onto something here. How about a little of That Was a Very Good Year? Maybe only once maybe every time but how about, what I remember from summers waltz I think Phil is on to something."You recall lovely summer's waltz..." ??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted April 7, 2013 Moderators Share Posted April 7, 2013 Awesome new bridge, Lee. Maybe consider corncob singular? Or A corn cob? For some such silly reason, I'm sure, the plural sounded less sincere? A corn cob might make it more personal as if the smell we're drifting right up into the listeners nostrils. Maybe making that whole experience more personal and direct. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted April 8, 2013 Author Members Share Posted April 8, 2013 Lee Knight wrote: Awesome new bridge, Lee. Maybe consider corncob singular? Or A corn cob? For some such silly reason, I'm sure, the plural sounded less sincere? A corn cob might make it more personal as if the smell we're drifting right up into the listeners nostrils. Maybe making that whole experience more personal and direct. Interesting note. There is something a little iffy about that line. I'm not sure just making it singular will fix things. Plus I can't see any way to singularize it without adding an extra note to the tune.I've been vacillating between:smell the suntan oil, sweet corn wrapped in foilsmell the suntan oil, fresh corn wrapped in foilsmell the suntan oil, cobs of corn in foiland even...smell the suntan oil, pots of lobster boil Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted April 8, 2013 Members Share Posted April 8, 2013 Lee Knight wrote: Awesome new bridge, Lee. Maybe consider corncob singular? Or A corn cob? For some such silly reason, I'm sure, the plural sounded less sincere? A corn cob might make it more personal as if the smell we're drifting right up into the listeners nostrils. Maybe making that whole experience more personal and direct. Totally agree. There is more distance when plural, singular really brings me there.I was also thinking with this line:"but then Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted April 9, 2013 Moderators Share Posted April 9, 2013 Cool. I thought so Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted April 9, 2013 Author Members Share Posted April 9, 2013 I still have to rewrite the bridge, though...And maybe the first verse... Love is coming Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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