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  • "Summer's Waltz" -- with rough demo

    Final version of the lyric? The track -- Alan Fuqua (piano), Dave Carpenter (bass), Peter Erskine (drums) -- is in Eb, so the high notes are too high for me to sing well. As a result, I've adjusted the tune a little here and there.

    The main questions are, does this version of the lyric fit the mood of the tune and feel finished to you? (Words in bold are new changes, written after I recorded the tune.)

     

    "Summer's Waltz"
    (2:59)

    Sunlit patches of grass and trees,
    screen door latches and buzzing bees,
    and a walk down the block for chocolate malts,
    they

    “I think you make yourself an antenna for songs, and songs want to be around you. And then they bring other songs along, and then they’re all sittin’ around, and they’re drinking your beer, and they’re sleeping on the floor.” —Tom Waits

  • #2

    Very nice. You'll need a couple of bars after V1 to not feel rushed into V2. Just the same that is already there after V2 into the bridge. And... perhaps it's a little too fast for the lyric. So the melody works but feels a bit cramped in the lyric. A slower tempo and it should fly nicely. And...

     

    ...I was never crazy about "halts" and now I'm less so. It really sticks out to me. It just has too much of the Nazi prison camp guard shouting at the escaping prisoner vibe. Sort of the antithesis of the vibe you've got going.

     

    All in all...

    __________
    Your god doesn't exist but my god does and he is all loving. If you disagree with me I'll kill you. - Prince Ea

    Comment


    • Lee Knight
      Lee Knight commented
      Editing a comment

      And you might consider truncating the first word of each refrain to just... All part of summer's waltz.


    • LCK
      LCK commented
      Editing a comment

      Lee Knight wrote:

      Very nice. You'll need a couple of bars after V1 to not feel rushed into V2.


      Yeah, I was following the pianist's lead. He did some heavy back-phrasing at the end of V1, then rushed into V2.

      As for "halts," it's a puzzle as to what to use instead. In one version I had:

      "There's a reason the season hurries then halts..." thinking the alliteration might pull things together better.


  • #3
    Yeah, I think you're right about that. I just wanted to comment on that in case you were unaware. But for what you've done and how you're doing it this is awesome. Time to get your lady friend with the piano skills involved. This is going to be awesome.
    __________
    Your god doesn't exist but my god does and he is all loving. If you disagree with me I'll kill you. - Prince Ea

    Comment


    • LCK
      LCK commented
      Editing a comment

      Lee Knight wrote:
      Yeah, I think you're right about that. I just wanted to comment on that in case you were unaware. But for what you've done and how you're doing it this is awesome. Time to get your lady friend with the piano skills involved. This is going to be awesome.

      Yeah, that would be the next step.

      I'd also like to get permission from the publisher to go ahead with this.


  • #4
    Which is of course a great idea but don't let it stop you. Sometimes the whole better to ask forgiveness than permission thing works here too. Not legally of course, but it's not illegal to record a demo.
    __________
    Your god doesn't exist but my god does and he is all loving. If you disagree with me I'll kill you. - Prince Ea

    Comment


    • Oswlek
      Oswlek commented
      Editing a comment

      Very nice.  I like the "yet I know" coming out of the bridge.  I agree with Lee that the other transitions felt too rushed, but that one works so well.


      "Halts" doesn't bother me, FWIW, though "hurries" is probably better due to not only the alliteration, but that those two words contrast each other better.  "Twirls" really has nothing to do with "halts" so it doesn't connect as well as it should.


  • #5
    Hmm. Phil may be onto something here. How about a little of That Was a Very Good Year?

    Maybe only once maybe every time but how about, what I remember from summers waltz
    __________
    Your god doesn't exist but my god does and he is all loving. If you disagree with me I'll kill you. - Prince Ea

    Comment


    • LCK
      LCK commented
      Editing a comment

      Lee Knight wrote:
      Hmm. Phil may be onto something here. How about a little of That Was a Very Good Year?

      Maybe only once maybe every time but how about, what I remember from summers waltz

      I think Phil is on to something.

      "You recall lovely summer's waltz..." ???


  • #6
    Awesome new bridge, Lee. Maybe consider corncob singular? Or A corn cob? For some such silly reason, I'm sure, the plural sounded less sincere? A corn cob might make it more personal as if the smell we're drifting right up into the listeners nostrils. Maybe making that whole experience more personal and direct.
    __________
    Your god doesn't exist but my god does and he is all loving. If you disagree with me I'll kill you. - Prince Ea

    Comment


    • LCK
      LCK commented
      Editing a comment

      Lee Knight wrote:
      Awesome new bridge, Lee. Maybe consider corncob singular? Or A corn cob? For some such silly reason, I'm sure, the plural sounded less sincere? A corn cob might make it more personal as if the smell we're drifting right up into the listeners nostrils. Maybe making that whole experience more personal and direct.

      Interesting note. There is something a little iffy about that line. I'm not sure just making it singular will fix things. Plus I can't see any way to singularize it without adding an extra note to the tune.

      I've been vacillating between:

      smell the suntan oil, sweet corn wrapped in foil
      smell the suntan oil, fresh corn wrapped in foil
      smell the suntan oil, cobs of corn in foil

      and even...

      smell the suntan oil, pots of lobster boil

       

       


    • Oswlek
      Oswlek commented
      Editing a comment

      Lee Knight wrote:
      Awesome new bridge, Lee. Maybe consider corncob singular? Or A corn cob? For some such silly reason, I'm sure, the plural sounded less sincere? A corn cob might make it more personal as if the smell we're drifting right up into the listeners nostrils. Maybe making that whole experience more personal and direct.

      Totally agree.  There is more distance when plural, singular really brings me there.

      I was also thinking with this line:

      "but then


  • #7
    Cool. I thought so
    __________
    Your god doesn't exist but my god does and he is all loving. If you disagree with me I'll kill you. - Prince Ea

    Comment


    • LCK
      LCK commented
      Editing a comment

      I still have to rewrite the bridge, though...

      And maybe the first verse...

       

      Love is coming



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