Beneath the Ash - just one line, I think.

[Oswlek]

I posted this a long time ago, but can't find it archived anywhere.  This is an old (read: terrible) demo that has already gotten feedback on the melody and arrangement, so I'm open to ideas but this isn't your normal new thread.  I had filed it away because I realized it needed a new V3 and had no idea..... until Lee's "Bottle" tune finally shed some light on it.  The stuff I have come up with so far is pretty terrible, so I'm hoping for a push in the right direction.

http://picosong.com/nEh5

V1

Take this sweet love of mine

This frail and undefined

B1

I've put my faith in you

V2

Peering behind the mask

Buried beneath the ash

B2

I'm scared of what you'll see

Scared of what we'll be

Care to dance with me?

V3

Steal me across the floor

XXXXXXXXX

B3

There's no breaking stride

If it takes all night

Take this love of mine

(Here I go....)

B4

There's no breaking stride

If it takes all night

Take this frail, undefined

Love of mine

(Here I go....)

 

I think the new line keeps the momentum going from "dance with me" better than what I had before.  Now I just need a line that says something along the lines of "give me what I've waited for" with sucking like that. 

 

Some additional thoughts:

The new arrangement is going to be opening with just a steady pad sound (think "On the Turning Away") for V1 and B1.  Then a picked acoustic comes in for V2 and B2.  Finally the strums and piano kick in on V3.  Listeners last time were ambivalent about the change after B3 and B4, but I'm pretty sure I can pull if off.  Again, right now I'm just hoping for help with those Xes.  Thanks in advance! 

[Lee Knight]

 

Steal me across the floor

XXXXXXXXX

 

Unaware of what I'm asking for

 

 

I'm aware of what I'm asking for

 

 

Never careful of what I ask for

 

 

Step in time with me out the door

 

 

Spinning as one straight out the back door

 

 

 

[Oswlek]

 

---

Lee Knight wrote:

 

Steal me across the floor

XXXXXXXXX

 

Unaware of what I'm asking for

 

 

I'm aware of what I'm asking for

 

 

Never careful of what I ask for

 

 

Step in time with me out the door

 

 

Spinning as one straight out the back door

 

 

 

---

 

I'm not sure whether I can use those lines, but this post has led to an epiphany.  While playing with your suggestions, I wondered, "is she aware? Does it even matter?" 

And the answer was clear as day.  She is aware, and she is teasing him, slowing drawing it out to make it even more memorably and profound.  Never saw that before.

Any way to get that^ into the line?  Or in the song somewhere else?  Maybe make it "Tease me across the floor"?