Members bee3 Posted October 19, 2012 Members Share Posted October 19, 2012 Lyrics only at the moment. I wrote this a long time ago... tried tweaking the lyrics today a bit because they really made no sense before... and I'm not sure that they're any better now.Understand There are two sides to the story Mine is one of fading glory Yours is one that tells of saving grace Washed up on a wave of pity Maybe you’re the one to save me? Please believe me when I have to say If I don’t understand Or I can’t comprehend maybe you can Be the one to show me how to breathe in… When all the world is crashing around me Will you be the one to show me things? ‘Cause that is all I need So now that we are one Let’s keep it, keep it from everyone It’s bad enough that we can’t speak it It’s even worse… they won’t believe it Please help me through my day But I don’t even need a victory I just want a place for you and me Please help me through my day If I don’t understand I won’t comprehend maybe you can Be the one to show me how to breathe in… When all the world is crashing around me You will be the one to show me things And that is all I need Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RickDieffenbach Posted October 19, 2012 Members Share Posted October 19, 2012 I think I get the sense of the story, looking forward to the music demo. The intro hook verse "There's two sides to every story" sets up the premise for the song. It begs and answer, and is followed with one in the form of "maybe you're the one to save me". OK, you got my attention! The next few lines offer up the key phrase "may you can.,.. be the one to show me how to breath." This is pretty metaphorical, that's fine. But my problem is, I am not clear on what the metaphor is meant to cover. Perhaps the speaker is overwhelmed by everything, doesn't understand life or the world etc. Not sure. But I think the listener should get a sense of what this relates to. That's my nit for today. :-) Rick Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted October 19, 2012 Members Share Posted October 19, 2012 I am able to get a drifting sense of what is happening between these two characters. It is intriguing and alluring and I am left.......wanting more....clarity. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted October 19, 2012 Members Share Posted October 19, 2012 I'm just wanting more music.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted October 20, 2012 Members Share Posted October 20, 2012 I learned a long time ago that your music solves nearly every lyric problem imaginable.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted October 20, 2012 Author Members Share Posted October 20, 2012 I'll try and get a rough recording up tonight... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted October 20, 2012 Members Share Posted October 20, 2012 Originally Posted by bee3 I'll try and get a rough recording up tonight... Cool. (My "Lenny" wave...) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted October 20, 2012 Members Share Posted October 20, 2012 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 20, 2012 Moderators Share Posted October 20, 2012 If I don’t understand Or I can’t comprehend maybe you can Be the one to show me how to breathe in… When all the world is crashing around me Will you be the one to show me things? ‘Cause that is all I need I really love that. To me this all makes sense. I really, beautiful kind of sense. I get it. My only reservation is with this: So now that we are one Let’s keep it, keep it from everyone It’s bad enough that we can’t speak it It’s even worse… they won’t believe it Please help me through my day As a bridge (I'm assuming?) it works really well with its aternate "camera angle". I like that about it. I'm just a little uncertain if shifting to the "greedy love" POV is not too distracting. I love the notion of greedy love. You mine and let's keep this wonderful thing ours and ours alone. That's awesome, but it might distract from your major point. Which is, as I'm reading it... "I'm a lost, I know nothing, but when I with you, the world makes sense. You complete me. You are the missing part of me and show me how to live and be a better person." So does that bridge, in its want for exclusivity pull from your main thrust. I think it might just a little. Not all of it, but just the "greedy love" aspects. Or not. I love it. 1111111111111111111 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 20, 2012 Moderators Share Posted October 20, 2012 If I don’t understand Or I can’t comprehend maybe you can Be the one to show me how to breathe in… When all the world is crashing around me Will you be the one to show me things? ‘Cause that is all I need I really love that. To me this all makes sense. I really, beautiful kind of sense. I get it. My only reservation is with this: So now that we are one Let’s keep it, keep it from everyone It’s bad enough that we can’t speak it It’s even worse… they won’t believe it Please help me through my day As a bridge (I'm assuming?) it works really well with its aternate "camera angle". I like that about it. I'm just a little uncertain if shifting to the "greedy love" POV is not too distracting. I love the notion of greedy love. You mine and let's keep this wonderful thing ours and ours alone. That's awesome, but it might distract from your major point. Which is, as I'm reading it... "I'm a lost, I know nothing, but when I with you, the world makes sense. You complete me. You are the missing part of me and show me how to live and be a better person." So does that bridge, in its want for exclusivity pull from your main thrust. I think it might just a little. Not all of it, but just the "greedy love" aspects. Or not. Cause I really I love it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted October 21, 2012 Author Members Share Posted October 21, 2012 Hi... haven't addressed any lyric stuff yet. This is a rough idea of what the song sounds like. I thought I was going to have all night to work on it... but apparently, the wife made plans... so I threw this together pretty quickly just now.http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=11956086 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Monkey Uncle Posted October 21, 2012 Members Share Posted October 21, 2012 I don't really have any writing-related comments, but I do want to make an observation on the performance. About half way through, your voice really opened up and let go, and I heard a depth of feeling that I don't think I've ever heard from you before. At that point it didn't really matter what you were singing about, the sound of your voice was enough to pull me in emotionally. Whatever you did to tap into that, remember it so you can pull that out again whenever a song calls for it. Good stuff. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted October 21, 2012 Members Share Posted October 21, 2012 Originally Posted by bee3 Hi... haven't addressed any lyric stuff yet. This is a rough idea of what the song sounds like. I thought I was going to have all night to work on it... but apparently, the wife made plans... so I threw this together pretty quickly just now.http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=11956086 Link isn's working for me. I'll try again later. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted October 21, 2012 Author Members Share Posted October 21, 2012 Hmmm... it's working for me? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RickDieffenbach Posted October 21, 2012 Members Share Posted October 21, 2012 Love the song. I totally take back what I said about the "breath" line. The music, chordage and melody for that verse nails the emotion, and I know exactly what the singer is referring to. I just want to say something about the melody in the following section. It was an OMG, get down on my hands and knees and celebrate how great the melody was moment for me. This is just too cool: ================================== If I don't understand Or I can't comprehend maybe you can Be the one to show me how to breathe in When all the world is crashing around me Will you be the one to show me things? Cause that is all I need ============================ Kick butt. Rick Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted October 21, 2012 Author Members Share Posted October 21, 2012 Thanks Rick. I have some ideas for the final product... production-wise. Glad you like it. Really need to nail the vocals on this one... I have a separate 'outro' part but I'm not sure if I'll include it yet. It's really designed to lift it up in a 'major' sense. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted October 21, 2012 Members Share Posted October 21, 2012 Originally Posted by Oswlek I learned a long time ago that your music solves nearly every lyric problem imaginable.... QFT. The flute is much too loud, but I doubt that is where it will be once things are finalized.BTW, I can totally see this being a big production, in the "Comfortably Numb" vein. But I don't think it needs to be. It was totally en rapt simply as is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted October 21, 2012 Members Share Posted October 21, 2012 Originally Posted by Monkey Uncle your voice really opened up and let go, and I heard a depth of feeling that I don't think I've ever heard from you before. Really.This is a great song. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted October 21, 2012 Members Share Posted October 21, 2012 Great again my friend This bit is SO melodic When all the world is crashing around me Will you be the one to show me things? Cause that is all I need That I feel a rhyme may make it even stronger something like (maybe not a great lyric but there for illustration so you can see how it sings) When all the world is crashing 'round me Im just glad that you have found me Cause that is all I need Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted October 22, 2012 Author Members Share Posted October 22, 2012 Hey Stick... not sure if I'm feeling that... I tried singing something similar, and I just couldn't get it to flow. So I did a live video for this still unfinished song... well, the performance is live. Flute is overdubbed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 22, 2012 Moderators Share Posted October 22, 2012 Originally Posted by bee3 Hey Stick... not sure if I'm feeling that... I tried singing something similar, and I just couldn't get it to flow.So I did a live video for this still unfinished song... well, the performance is live. Flute is overdubbed. Oh my. Really. That's great.Be the one to show me how to breathe... in That line. That turn of the chords and the swoop up on br--EATHE! That's beautiful. Then the down arc of "i...in". I dig it immensely. The whole thing's got a wonderful yearning for this comfort and love you need. It's really cool. Perfect to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted October 22, 2012 Author Members Share Posted October 22, 2012 Thanks Lee.... the problem I have after doing one of these vids, even though the effort is miminal, is getting off my ass and recording it properly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 22, 2012 Moderators Share Posted October 22, 2012 no kidding... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted October 22, 2012 Author Members Share Posted October 22, 2012 Originally Posted by Lee Knight no kidding... You've noticed? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted October 22, 2012 Members Share Posted October 22, 2012 Still love this song. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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