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  • #2
    I think I get the sense of the story, looking forward to the music demo.



    The intro hook verse "There's two sides to every story" sets up the premise for the song. It begs and answer, and is followed with one in the form of "maybe you're the one to save me". OK, you got my attention!



    The next few lines offer up the key phrase "may you can.,.. be the one to show me how to breath." This is pretty metaphorical, that's fine. But my problem is, I am not clear on what the metaphor is meant to cover. Perhaps the speaker is overwhelmed by everything, doesn't understand life or the world etc. Not sure. But I think the listener should get a sense of what this relates to.



    That's my nit for today. :-)



    Rick
    <div class="signaturecontainer"><a href="http://www.rickdieffenbach.com" target="_blank">www.rickdieffenbach.com</a>.</div>

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    • #3
      I am able to get a drifting sense of what is happening between these two characters. It is intriguing and alluring and I am left.......wanting more....clarity.
      Leonard Scaper

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      • #4
        I'm just wanting more music....
        "I write from a different place. I do not even know what it is called, or if it has a name. It just comes and I sculpt it. But it is also a lot of hard work." —Van Morrison

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        • #5
          I learned a long time ago that your music solves nearly every lyric problem imaginable....
          Don't listen to Justin.
          LCK - 2/21/2012

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          • #6
            I'll try and get a rough recording up tonight...

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            • #7






              Quote Originally Posted by bee3
              View Post

              I'll try and get a rough recording up tonight...




              Cool. (My "Lenny" wave...)
              "I write from a different place. I do not even know what it is called, or if it has a name. It just comes and I sculpt it. But it is also a lot of hard work." —Van Morrison

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              • #8
                Leonard Scaper

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                • #9
                  Thomas Jefferson said... "The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being as His father, in the womb of a virgin will be classed with the fable of the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter." hmmm...

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                  • #10
                    Thomas Jefferson said... "The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being as His father, in the womb of a virgin will be classed with the fable of the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter." hmmm...

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                    • #11
                      Hi... haven't addressed any lyric stuff yet. This is a rough idea of what the song sounds like. I thought I was going to have all night to work on it... but apparently, the wife made plans... so I threw this together pretty quickly just now.



                      http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=11956086

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                      • #12
                        I don't really have any writing-related comments, but I do want to make an observation on the performance. About half way through, your voice really opened up and let go, and I heard a depth of feeling that I don't think I've ever heard from you before. At that point it didn't really matter what you were singing about, the sound of your voice was enough to pull me in emotionally. Whatever you did to tap into that, remember it so you can pull that out again whenever a song calls for it. Good stuff.
                        Beware of deepities.<br>-- Daniel Dennett

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                        • #13






                          Quote Originally Posted by bee3
                          View Post

                          Hi... haven't addressed any lyric stuff yet. This is a rough idea of what the song sounds like. I thought I was going to have all night to work on it... but apparently, the wife made plans... so I threw this together pretty quickly just now.



                          http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=11956086




                          Link isn's working for me. I'll try again later.
                          Don't listen to Justin.
                          LCK - 2/21/2012

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Hmmm... it's working for me?

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                            • #15
                              Love the song.



                              I totally take back what I said about the "breath" line. The music, chordage and melody for that verse nails the emotion, and I know exactly what the singer is referring to.



                              I just want to say something about the melody in the following section. It was an OMG, get down on my hands and knees and celebrate how great the melody was moment for me. This is just too cool:



                              ==================================

                              If I don't understand

                              Or I can't comprehend maybe you can

                              Be the one to show me how to breathe in

                              When all the world is crashing around me

                              Will you be the one to show me things?

                              Cause that is all I need

                              ============================



                              Kick butt.



                              Rick
                              <div class="signaturecontainer"><a href="http://www.rickdieffenbach.com" target="_blank">www.rickdieffenbach.com</a>.</div>

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