Members Chicken Monkey Posted April 3, 2013 Members Share Posted April 3, 2013 Hopefully I'm linking this right. This is a bare-bones demo--just guitar and two voices. Voices aren't perfectly in tune, guitar isn't perfectly in time, but I think it's a fun song and hopefully put together enough to listen to. I'll likely flesh this out with an instrumental break, reprise the bridge, and repeat the first verse, but I don't want to over-demo it, as I'd like to try it with my band. My biggest concern beyond a general "proof of concept" is that there are a couple of sore-thumb cliches in it that I really like, but may spoil the song a bit. Over My HeadMama, can I have a word with youI'm in trouble don't know what to doI found a girl and she drives me wildBut she treats me like a red-headed stepchildOh, I'm in over my head. Daddy, tell me just where I went wrongHow did I let myself get strung alongI had her tamed, but to my surpriseIt went out the window when I looked in her eyesOh, I'm in over my head. BRIDGE: I'm in deep, it's getting deeperShe's trying to shake me and I'm trying to keep herI thought I had this, but insteadI'm in over my head. Honey, I just got one thing to sayHow could you treat a loving man this wayI'm only here, trying not to drownBut you keep on pushing me down, down, downOh, I'm in over my head. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted April 3, 2013 Members Share Posted April 3, 2013 This is good as is, but two spots that could be stronger are wild/child and out the window. Neither are bad but with the wild spot especially that is a chance to really grab the listeners attention. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted April 3, 2013 Moderators Share Posted April 3, 2013 I think it sounds great. It does feel like you're not 100% certain of the concept, lyrically. You're in over your head because... she's what? She's mean, like in V1? Or because she's a vixen, or at least incredibly sexy, like in V2? Or that she's trying to dump you like in the bridge? And then in V3 we finally get a clear "over my head" image. So... I think cliches like "drives me wild" are fine if they are truly supporting the concept, but it doesn't feel that way quite yet to me. I'd create an offline synopsis. She is way out of my league and what was I thinking even trying to make her mine. Of course mom and dad you think I'm worthy or even better the her but look at her! Look at me! I'm a skinny scared boy trying to make his way and she's the movie star from Gilligan's Island!!! Tina what's her name?!??!? Help! I'm drowning!!! And she's surely gone. Right now it feels like each section is supporting a different story. Not majorly, but enough that it seems to me that while this could rise up to be something special, it isn't focused enough, funny enough, etc. yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted April 3, 2013 Moderators Share Posted April 3, 2013 Oh... and the bridge is cool but the 3rd line musically feels a little like a throw away. It think it needs something less predicable. Maybe like the Charlie Brown song sung low, why's-everybody-always-pickin'-on-me when you sing: I thought I had this, but I found out instead Something to break it up and be a little hook. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted April 3, 2013 Members Share Posted April 3, 2013 Linear Rhino has an idea-o Feel free to disregard, but I think an extended metaphor might solve what everybody is talking about and I think you'd only have to adjust 4 lines. wild, child and surprise, eyes. Here is the idea... Mama verse - she drives, think fast, reckless, she has lead foot Daddy verse - we went through the guard rail into the ocean, river, etc... The bridge and honey verse - stay the same because you are in the water trying not to get in to deep but going down Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted April 3, 2013 Moderators Share Posted April 3, 2013 Good stuff Mr. Rhino! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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