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"Summer's Waltz" -- new WIP

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  • "Summer's Waltz" -- new WIP

    Here's a little something I just worked up this morning. Far from finished. Just some initial paint strokes.

     

    Summer's Waltz

    Summer

    “I started being a songwriter pretending I could do it, and it turned out I could.” —James Taylor.

  • #2

    This is a really well crafted lyric.

    If I'm being super picky, the only weak point is some of the language in the sounds dated, but even still, I don't think it's a big problem.

    catching rays, sweat as a peach, summer blues.

    I aslo don't know that I like the repitition of the word 'dog.'

    The last verse is perfection.

    ...

    Comment


    • LCK
      LCK commented
      Editing a comment

      rhino55 wrote:

      This is a really well crafted lyric.

      If I'm being super picky, the only weak point is some of the language in the sounds dated, but even still, I don't think it's a big problem.

      catching rays, sweat as a peach, summer blues.

      I aslo don't know that I like the repitition of the word 'dog.'

      The last verse is perfection.


      I'm quite sure some of the language sounds dated. I can't get Johnny Mercer out of my head.

      Yeah, the "dog" line is undergoing some changes.

      Here's the latest version.

      Summer


  • #3
    Elsie K! Don't you just love the way Siri interprets phrases?

    You are the king of the rewrite my friend. Seriously, wow!
    ___

    Comment


    • LCK
      LCK commented
      Editing a comment

      Lee Knight wrote:
      Elsie K! Don't you just love the way Siri interprets phrases?

      You are the king of the rewrite my friend. Seriously, wow!

      Just getting started, my friend.

      I didn't quite like the "patches of greens and tans," and the window fans. Maybe I'll come back to it.

      But for now...

       

      When we get diz-zy on sun-drenched days
      from toss-ing Frisbees or catch-ing rays,
      from canoeing or doing a couple somersaults
      we


  • #4
    Wow
    ___

    Comment


    • #5
      I love the way your mind works else CK. And I love my Siri. :-)
      ___

      Comment


      • LCK
        LCK commented
        Editing a comment

        Final draft (except the line in red)?

         

        Sunlit patches of golds and greens,
        screen door latches and ice machines,
        and a walk down the block for root beers or malts,
        they

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