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"Summer's Waltz" -- new WIP

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  • "Summer's Waltz" -- new WIP

    Here's a little something I just worked up this morning. Far from finished. Just some initial paint strokes.

     

    Summer's Waltz

    Summer

    “Good Vibrations” was probably a good record but who's to know? You had to play it about 90 bloody times to even hear what they were singing about. What’s next? Rock opera? —Pete Townshend, Melody Maker Interview, 1966.

  • #2

    This is a really well crafted lyric.

    If I'm being super picky, the only weak point is some of the language in the sounds dated, but even still, I don't think it's a big problem.

    catching rays, sweat as a peach, summer blues.

    I aslo don't know that I like the repitition of the word 'dog.'

    The last verse is perfection.

    ...

    Comment


    • LCK
      LCK commented
      Editing a comment

      rhino55 wrote:

      This is a really well crafted lyric.

      If I'm being super picky, the only weak point is some of the language in the sounds dated, but even still, I don't think it's a big problem.

      catching rays, sweat as a peach, summer blues.

      I aslo don't know that I like the repitition of the word 'dog.'

      The last verse is perfection.


      I'm quite sure some of the language sounds dated. I can't get Johnny Mercer out of my head.

      Yeah, the "dog" line is undergoing some changes.

      Here's the latest version.

      Summer


  • #3
    Elsie K! Don't you just love the way Siri interprets phrases?

    You are the king of the rewrite my friend. Seriously, wow!
    __________
    Your god doesn't exist but my god does and he is all loving. If you disagree with me I'll kill you. - Prince Ea

    Comment


    • LCK
      LCK commented
      Editing a comment

      Lee Knight wrote:
      Elsie K! Don't you just love the way Siri interprets phrases?

      You are the king of the rewrite my friend. Seriously, wow!

      Just getting started, my friend.

      I didn't quite like the "patches of greens and tans," and the window fans. Maybe I'll come back to it.

      But for now...

       

      When we get diz-zy on sun-drenched days
      from toss-ing Frisbees or catch-ing rays,
      from canoeing or doing a couple somersaults
      we


  • #4
    Wow
    __________
    Your god doesn't exist but my god does and he is all loving. If you disagree with me I'll kill you. - Prince Ea

    Comment


    • #5
      I love the way your mind works else CK. And I love my Siri. :-)
      __________
      Your god doesn't exist but my god does and he is all loving. If you disagree with me I'll kill you. - Prince Ea

      Comment


      • LCK
        LCK commented
        Editing a comment

        Final draft (except the line in red)?

         

        Sunlit patches of golds and greens,
        screen door latches and ice machines,
        and a walk down the block for root beers or malts,
        they



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