An original In My Dreams. Some thoughts please?

[DCMusic]

I've had quite a good response for this song when I've sung it, but that's mainly from people who know me, or perhaps aren't so objective, so I'd like my songs to be listened to by people who have more experience. I'm after opinions on the structure of the song and how it gets it's message across or not and what I can do to improve that.

I'm really thankful for any tips and reviews good or bad,honestly!!

 

than me.

[Oswlek]

Can you post the lyrics, please?

[DCMusic]

Here we go;

 

All I wanted was standing right there, I was

Wearing a dress with a flower in my hair and all I needed was

To hear three words from you, I've never heard from you,but in my dreams,

You take my hand and we start to dance and everything feels so right

You say I love you, I love you too,

But I only get to love you in my dreams

 

And all I'm thinking, well you're hand in hand with her, I wish I could be her

I'm going crazy, but in my time,but I love you in so many ways so I keep quiet

But in my head, you close your eyes, press your lips on mine and

All else fades away, you say I love you,I love you too

But I only get to love you in my dreams

 

And all my dreams are full of colour as you put your hand in mine

And we dance around in darkness until the morning light

And in my dreams you kiss me softly with your fingers in my hair

And then I wake in morning just to find that you're not there

 

But In my dreams,in my dreams in my dreams

You take my hand and we start to dance and everything feels so right

You close your eyes, press your lips on mine and all else fades away

You come on closer and in my ear you whisper three simple words

You say I love you,I love you too

But I only get to love you in my dreams

[Lee Knight]

deleted, cross post ^ ^ ^

[Oswlek]

 

It is absolutely lovely.  I agree with everyone else about the vocal performance and IMO it comes down to breathing space.  The words are clustered so tightly that you have not time to get a full breath until the breaks.  Going through the lyrics, it seems like some small tweaks to get rid of "with/and/but" type words would do wonders.  For instance, the first verse could be:

 

All I wanted was standing right there, I was

Wearing a dress, with a flower in my hair and I only needed was

To hear three words from you, just three words from you, but in my dreams,

You take my hand and we start to dance and everything feels so right

You say I love you, I love you too,

But I only get to love you in my dreams

 

Try that and if you like it, I'll go through the other verses.

 

The other thing is that fpr me the bridge doesn't pop enough.  I'm assuming this stanza is the bridge:

 

And all my dreams are full of colour as you put your hand in mine

And we dance around in darkness until the morning light

And in my dreams you kiss me softly with your fingers in my hair

And then I wake in morning just to find that you're not there

 

I don't think it needs a melodic change, just more oomph in the performance.  Sell me that you are living your deepest desire in those moments. 

 

[oldgitplayer]

I agree with what everybody else is saying about clearer enunciation of words. You have a terrific voice and I was very surprised when you started speaking and your accent revealed you to be a Brit!

You sing with such a strong American accent that I automatically took you to be one. Is this what you want to build your singing career on? I'd love to hear you sing in your own voice without affecting the American accent. Authenticity is always my personal preference, but others may disagree.

Otherwise, I think your songwriting is very good for a beginner and your voice control  and expression, excellent.