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An original In My Dreams. Some thoughts please?

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  • An original In My Dreams. Some thoughts please?

    I've had quite a good response for this song when I've sung it, but that's mainly from people who know me, or perhaps aren't so objective, so I'd like my songs to be listened to by people who have more experience. I'm after opinions on the structure of the song and how it gets it's message across or not and what I can do to improve that.

    I'm really thankful for any tips and reviews good or bad,honestly!!

     

    than me.


  • #2

    Can you post the lyrics, please?

    Don't listen to Justin.
    LCK - 2/21/2012

    Comment


    • DCMusic
      DCMusic commented
      Editing a comment

      Here we go;

       

      All I wanted was standing right there, I was

      Wearing a dress with a flower in my hair and all I needed was

      To hear three words from you, I've never heard from you,but in my dreams,

      You take my hand and we start to dance and everything feels so right

      You say I love you, I love you too,

      But I only get to love you in my dreams

       

      And all I'm thinking, well you're hand in hand with her, I wish I could be her

      I'm going crazy, but in my time,but I love you in so many ways so I keep quiet

      But in my head, you close your eyes, press your lips on mine and

      All else fades away, you say I love you,I love you too

      But I only get to love you in my dreams

       

      And all my dreams are full of colour as you put your hand in mine

      And we dance around in darkness until the morning light

      And in my dreams you kiss me softly with your fingers in my hair

      And then I wake in morning just to find that you're not there

       

      But In my dreams,in my dreams in my dreams

      You take my hand and we start to dance and everything feels so right

      You close your eyes, press your lips on mine and all else fades away

      You come on closer and in my ear you whisper three simple words

      You say I love you,I love you too

      But I only get to love you in my dreams


    • Lee Knight
      Lee Knight commented
      Editing a comment

      deleted, cross post ^ ^ ^


  • #3

    It is absolutely lovely.  I agree with everyone else about the vocal performance and IMO it comes down to breathing space.  The words are clustered so tightly that you have not time to get a full breath until the breaks.  Going through the lyrics, it seems like some small tweaks to get rid of "with/and/but" type words would do wonders.  For instance, the first verse could be:

     

    All I wanted was standing right there, I was

    Wearing a dress, with a flower in my hair and I only needed was

    To hear three words from you, just three words from you, but in my dreams,

    You take my hand and we start to dance and everything feels so right

    You say I love you, I love you too,

    But I only get to love you in my dreams

     

    Try that and if you like it, I'll go through the other verses.

     

    The other thing is that fpr me the bridge doesn't pop enough.  I'm assuming this stanza is the bridge:

     

    And all my dreams are full of colour as you put your hand in mine

    And we dance around in darkness until the morning light

    And in my dreams you kiss me softly with your fingers in my hair

    And then I wake in morning just to find that you're not there

     

    I don't think it needs a melodic change, just more oomph in the performance.  Sell me that you are living your deepest desire in those moments. 

    Don't listen to Justin.
    LCK - 2/21/2012

    Comment


    • oldgitplayer
      oldgitplayer commented
      Editing a comment

      I agree with what everybody else is saying about clearer enunciation of words. You have a terrific voice and I was very surprised when you started speaking and your accent revealed you to be a Brit!

      You sing with such a strong American accent that I automatically took you to be one. Is this what you want to build your singing career on? I'd love to hear you sing in your own voice without affecting the American accent. Authenticity is always my personal preference, but others may disagree.

      Otherwise, I think your songwriting is very good for a beginner and your voice control  and expression, excellent.



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