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Endure - another that needs reworking

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  • Endure - another that needs reworking

    This is a song I wrote about the emotional journey my wife and I went through when we found out our son has Down Syndrome.  From grief through fear and trepidation, finally resolve to be the best supporters and advocates we can be.  I know there is potential for some "awww" factor to come into play, but please be as critical as possible.  The song means a lot to me, and as of now it is only strong enough to lurk in the shadows.  I really want it to be one I am proud of not just for the subject matter, and I know it isn't quite there yet.  In particular there are some serious clunkers in the lyric, a few lines don't make any sense whatsoever. 

    I've reddened the lines I am most unhappy with or unsure about, but everything is open for discussion.  Old recording, bad singing, yada yada yada...

    Please don't post any condolence type comments.  Michael is a great boy and I wouldn't change him if I could.  Thanks for the help.

    EDIT:  Can I just say that this picture^ melts my heart no matter how many times I see it?

     

    V1A

    Restless feet and uneasy hands
    Wondering what God has planned
    Alone... with our tears, and our fears

    V1B

    He will be the light of your life
    Though it may take you some time
    To accept this next step unknown.  I know

    C

    Son... your path may be
    One... unyielding
    You... you will endure

    V2A

    Expectations may change
    Old routines rearrange
    This new world, we will explore.  I'm sure

    V2B

    Life will ask a lot of you
    At times you'll wish you were through
    Hold on.  It's our decree, Mikey

    C

    Son... your path may be
    One... unyielding
    You... you will endure

    B

    What lies ahead won't beset us
    You can live you life and that is glorious
    And I know that it won't be smooth
    But it's all right here for you

    We'll survive, we will survive
    We will endure
    We'll survive, we will survive
    We will endure

    Don't listen to Justin.
    LCK - 2/21/2012

  • #2

    Wowza... Thanks for inviting us to be a part of this highly personal song.

    Lyrically I think the language could stand to be plainer. I'm thinking 'decree' and 'beset' which you already have in red.

    For V2B

    Life will ask a lot of you
    At times you'll wish you were through
    hold on. It's all any of us can do

    That changes the rhyme scheme a bit but I think it could work.

    For the second line of the chorus have you tried?

    un.... yielding

    As far as the bridge goes I think... and I might be reading too far into what you wrote in the OP not asking for condolences etc... expressing the sentiment that life will be hard for you just like it is for everybody, in that way we are all the same sort of thing might be cool.

    ...

    Comment


    • Oswlek
      Oswlek commented
      Editing a comment

      rhino55 wrote:

      Wowza... Thanks for inviting us to be a part of this highly personal song.

      Lyrically I think the language could stand to be plainer. I'm thinking 'decree' and 'beset' which you already have in red.

      For V2B

      Life will ask a lot of you
      At times you'll wish you were through
      hold on. It's all any of us can do

      That changes the rhyme scheme a bit but I think it could work.

      For the second line of the chorus have you tried?

      un.... yielding

      As far as the bridge goes I think... and I might be reading too far into what you wrote in the OP not asking for condolences etc... expressing the sentiment that life will be hard for you just like it is for everybody, in that way we are all the same sort of thing might be cool.


      I agree with eveything you have here, Ryan.  I wrote this several years ago when I thought the language had to be..... creative to be a proper lyric, but I was already thinking it needed to be more natural and straightforward.  Glad to get immediate confirmation on that.

      Your idea for the bridge is dynamite, I'll let it rattle around and see what comes out.  The chorus and V2B ideas are also definite improvements, thanks.

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