Members bee3 Posted April 11, 2013 Members Share Posted April 11, 2013 I have this idea... but it's at the 'germ of something' stage. Really, only two verses so far... not even a chorus. I do have the song mapped out, but haven't been able to sing it yet as I'm still recovering from the flu. Gone are the days of winterSpring has settled inThat old sun is smiling once again Sleep with the windows openA breeze of fresh cut grassThankful the cold has come to pass That's all I've got so far. Thoughts? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted April 11, 2013 Members Share Posted April 11, 2013 bee3 wrote: I have this idea... but it's at the 'germ of something' stage. Really, only two verses so far... not even a chorus. I do have the song mapped out, but haven't been able to sing it yet as I'm still recovering from the flu. Gone are the days of winter Spring has settled in That old sun is smiling once again Sleep with the windows open A breeze of fresh cut grass Thankful the cold has come to pass That's all I've got so far. Thoughts? It's a good start. A couple phrases in the 2nd verse are a bit off. I don't mind "a breeze of fresh-cut grass." That's an interesting way putting things. But "come to pass" means that something had been in the process of happening and has finally happened, which makes the last line mean the opposite of what you intended.Maybe "thankful the cold has fin'lly passed?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted April 11, 2013 Moderators Share Posted April 11, 2013 Breeze of fresh cut grass. That's good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted April 11, 2013 Moderators Share Posted April 11, 2013 Thankful winter's grip has thawed at last Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted April 11, 2013 Author Members Share Posted April 11, 2013 LCK wrote: bee3 wrote: I have this idea... but it's at the 'germ of something' stage. Really, only two verses so far... not even a chorus. I do have the song mapped out, but haven't been able to sing it yet as I'm still recovering from the flu. Gone are the days of winter Spring has settled in That old sun is smiling once again Sleep with the windows open A breeze of fresh cut grass Thankful the cold has come to pass That's all I've got so far. Thoughts? It's a good start. A couple phrases in the 2nd verse are a bit off. I don't mind "a breeze of fresh-cut grass." That's an interesting way putting things. But "come to pass" means that something had been in the process of happening and has finally happened, which makes the last line mean the opposite of what you intended. Maybe "thankful the cold has fin'lly passed?"I was worried about that line, but I don't know if I get how it doesn't make sense. Need to wrap my head around that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted April 11, 2013 Author Members Share Posted April 11, 2013 Thankful the frost is gone at last Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted April 11, 2013 Members Share Posted April 11, 2013 Lee Knight wrote: Thankful winter's grip has thawed at last I like that ^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted April 11, 2013 Members Share Posted April 11, 2013 Sometimes it is unavoidable to end a line with again, but I try and avoid it when I can. I think you could say something much more visceral in that spot... something along the lines of "A breeze of fresh cut grass." the sun thaws out frozen skin the landscape shed its frozen skin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted April 11, 2013 Moderators Share Posted April 11, 2013 bee3 wrote: I have this idea... but it's at the 'germ of something' stage. Really, only two verses so far... not even a chorus. I do have the song mapped out, but haven't been able to sing it yet as I'm still recovering from the flu. Gone are the days of winter Spring has settled in That old sun is smiling once again Sleep with the windows open A breeze of fresh cut grass Thankful the cold has come to pass That's all I've got so far. Thoughts? So... thoughts? Sure! I got some! I think at this point you might ask yourself, what is this going to be. What is the twist or slant or POV. You can just make a song about how happy you are that spring is here. Why not? Or... you can have a cool list song like Dylan's Everything is Broken. Broken lines broken strings Broken threads broken springs Broken idols broken heads People sleeping in broken beds Ain't no use jiving Ain't no use joking Everything is broken. In the first two lines it's a list. Broken this, broken that. Not unlike a smiling sun, an open window and some yummy smelling breeze. But then... he starts dealing out subtext. Broken idols? Broken heads? Whoa, and there's people sleeping in broken beds. So not only is the gate hinge hosed and the 'fridge on the blink, but governments and marriages are on the fritz as well? I love that. So with this smiling sun and nice breeze, you might also imply rebirth. The rekindling of a relationship. The epiphany of seeing the error of your ways. Some sort of Roll Away the Stone. Deeper than just the trappings of a nice season. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted April 11, 2013 Members Share Posted April 11, 2013 Lee Knight wrote: I love that. So with this smiling sun and nice breeze, you might also imply rebirth. The rekindling of a relationship. The epiphany of seeing the error of your ways. Some sort of Roll Away the Stone. Deeper than just the trappings of a nice season. I agree - but consciously avoid re-writing 'Here Comes the Sun' with different phrases.Renewal is always a good positive theme. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted April 12, 2013 Members Share Posted April 12, 2013 Should it be a new sun? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted April 12, 2013 Author Members Share Posted April 12, 2013 rhino55 wrote: Should it be a new sun? I like the idea of my old friend, the sun, shining again. I hate winter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted April 12, 2013 Members Share Posted April 12, 2013 rhino55 wrote: Should it be a new sun? Interesting point.I think it's "old sun" because it was gone and now it's back again.It also echoes the title of this tune from the 1940s: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted April 12, 2013 Moderators Share Posted April 12, 2013 Fantastic! You seem to have taken all the input as inspiration rather than putting you off. A man after my own heart, nothing weird intended there. Seriously, I love this subtext thing going on here. I agree with Justin that it seems to call for some sort of unifying, signature phrase. And that, I believe, should be your title, whichever you choose. To use someone close to your heart, Pink Floyd, Wish You Were Here. As all roads lead to Rome, I think this lyric could benefit from all lines leading to that title and theme. Don't think twice it's alright. I've seen the needle and the damage done. Comfortably numb. Et cetera et cetera et cetera. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted April 12, 2013 Author Members Share Posted April 12, 2013 Gone are the days of winterSpring has settled inThat old sun is smiling once again Sleep with the windows openA breeze of fresh cut grassThankful the frost is gone at last And every morning with its riseA smile as if to say goodbyeTo yesterday's sinsIt's good to know that an old friendWill shine a light through my descentUntil I rise Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted April 12, 2013 Moderators Share Posted April 12, 2013 What I love is that B has his way of saying things. If he can take this input and put it into his words that to me is a homerun. I, personally, love the way he's taken mine and other's input up to this point and made it his own. Because his own is a great voice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted April 12, 2013 Members Share Posted April 12, 2013 ^^^Most important observation of the month......And now let me hit the Kudos tab. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted April 12, 2013 Members Share Posted April 12, 2013 Lee Knight wrote: What I love is that B has his way of saying things. If he can take this input and put it into his words that to me is a homerun. Me too.As I said, I think the opening verses are fresh and original, very Bee-like. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted April 12, 2013 Moderators Share Posted April 12, 2013 Yeah, I dug that you said that. It's true, he is smoking. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.