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  • Old Sun Smiling

    I have this idea...  but it's at the 'germ of something' stage.  Really, only two verses so far... not even a chorus.  I do have the song mapped out, but haven't been able to sing it yet as I'm still recovering from the flu.

     

    Gone are the days of winter

    Spring has settled in

    That old sun is smiling once again

     

    Sleep with the windows open

    A breeze of fresh cut grass

    Thankful the cold has come to pass

     

    That's all I've got so far.  Thoughts?


  • #2

    bee3 wrote:

    I have this idea...  but it's at the 'germ of something' stage.  Really, only two verses so far... not even a chorus.  I do have the song mapped out, but haven't been able to sing it yet as I'm still recovering from the flu.

     

    Gone are the days of winter
    Spring has settled in
    That old sun is smiling once again
     
    Sleep with the windows open
    A breeze of fresh cut grass
    Thankful the cold has come to pass

     

    That's all I've got so far.  Thoughts?


    It's a good start. A couple phrases in the 2nd verse are a bit off. I don't mind "a breeze of fresh-cut grass." That's an interesting way putting things. But "come to pass" means that something had been in the process of happening and has finally happened, which makes the last line mean the opposite of what you intended.

    Maybe "thankful the cold has fin'lly passed?"

    "I write from a different place. I do not even know what it is called, or if it has a name. It just comes and I sculpt it. But it is also a lot of hard work." —Van Morrison

    Comment


    • bee3
      bee3 commented
      Editing a comment

      LCK wrote:

      bee3 wrote:

      I have this idea...  but it's at the 'germ of something' stage.  Really, only two verses so far... not even a chorus.  I do have the song mapped out, but haven't been able to sing it yet as I'm still recovering from the flu.

       

      Gone are the days of winter
      Spring has settled in
      That old sun is smiling once again
       
      Sleep with the windows open
      A breeze of fresh cut grass
      Thankful the cold has come to pass

       

      That's all I've got so far.  Thoughts?


      It's a good start. A couple phrases in the 2nd verse are a bit off. I don't mind "a breeze of fresh-cut grass." That's an interesting way putting things. But "come to pass" means that something had been in the process of happening and has finally happened, which makes the last line mean the opposite of what you intended.

      Maybe "thankful the cold has fin'lly passed?"


      I was worried about that line, but I don't know if I get how it doesn't make sense.  Need to wrap my head around that.


  • #3
    Breeze of fresh cut grass. That's good.
    __________
    Your god doesn't exist but my god does and he is all loving. If you disagree with me I'll kill you. - Prince Ea

    Comment


    • #4
      Thankful winter's grip has thawed at last
      __________
      Your god doesn't exist but my god does and he is all loving. If you disagree with me I'll kill you. - Prince Ea

      Comment


      • bee3
        bee3 commented
        Editing a comment

        Thankful the frost is gone at last


      • Oswlek
        Oswlek commented
        Editing a comment

        Lee Knight wrote:
        Thankful winter's grip has thawed at last

        I like that ^


    • #5
      Sometimes it is unavoidable to end a line with again, but I try and avoid it when I can. I think you could say something much more visceral in that spot... something along the lines of "A breeze of fresh cut grass."

      the sun thaws out frozen skin

      the landscape shed its frozen skin
      ...

      Comment


      • #6

        bee3 wrote:

        I have this idea...  but it's at the 'germ of something' stage.  Really, only two verses so far... not even a chorus.  I do have the song mapped out, but haven't been able to sing it yet as I'm still recovering from the flu.

         

        Gone are the days of winter

        Spring has settled in

        That old sun is smiling once again

         

        Sleep with the windows open

        A breeze of fresh cut grass

        Thankful the cold has come to pass

         

        That's all I've got so far.  Thoughts?


        So... thoughts? Sure! I got some!

         

        I think at this point you might ask yourself, what is this going to be. What is the twist or slant or POV. You can just make a song about how happy you are that spring is here. Why not? Or... you can have a cool list song  like Dylan's Everything is Broken.

         

        Broken lines broken strings
        Broken threads broken springs
        Broken idols broken heads
        People sleeping in broken beds
        Ain't no use jiving
        Ain't no use joking
        Everything is broken.

        In the first two lines it's a list. Broken this, broken that. Not unlike a smiling sun, an open window and some yummy smelling breeze. But then... he starts dealing out subtext. Broken idols? Broken heads? Whoa, and there's people sleeping in broken beds. So not only is the gate hinge hosed and the 'fridge on the blink, but governments and marriages are on the fritz as well?

         

        I love that. So with this smiling sun and nice breeze, you might also imply rebirth. The rekindling of a relationship. The epiphany of seeing the error of your ways. Some sort of Roll Away the Stone. Deeper than just the trappings of a nice season.

        __________
        Your god doesn't exist but my god does and he is all loving. If you disagree with me I'll kill you. - Prince Ea

        Comment


        • oldgitplayer
          oldgitplayer commented
          Editing a comment

          Lee Knight wrote:

          I love that. So with this smiling sun and nice breeze, you might also imply rebirth. The rekindling of a relationship. The epiphany of seeing the error of your ways. Some sort of Roll Away the Stone. Deeper than just the trappings of a nice season.

          I agree - but consciously avoid re-writing 'Here Comes the Sun' with different phrases.

          Renewal is always a good positive theme.


      • #7
        Should it be a new sun?
        ...

        Comment


        • bee3
          bee3 commented
          Editing a comment

          rhino55 wrote:
          Should it be a new sun?


          I like the idea of my old friend, the sun, shining again.  I hate winter.


        • LCK
          LCK commented
          Editing a comment

          rhino55 wrote:
          Should it be a new sun?

          Interesting point.

          I think it's "old sun" because it was gone and now it's back again.

          It also echoes the title of this tune from the 1940s:


      • #8

        Fantastic! You seem to have taken all the input as inspiration rather than putting you off. A man after my own heart, nothing weird intended there.

        Seriously, I love this subtext thing going on here. I agree with Justin that it seems to call for some sort of unifying, signature phrase. And that, I believe, should be your title, whichever you choose.

        To use someone close to your heart, Pink Floyd, Wish You Were Here. As all roads lead to Rome, I think this lyric could benefit from all lines leading to that title and theme.

        Don't think twice it's alright. I've seen the needle and the damage done. Comfortably numb. Et cetera et cetera et cetera.

        __________
        Your god doesn't exist but my god does and he is all loving. If you disagree with me I'll kill you. - Prince Ea

        Comment


        • bee3
          bee3 commented
          Editing a comment

          Gone are the days of winter

          Spring has settled in

          That old sun is smiling once again

           

          Sleep with the windows open

          A breeze of fresh cut grass

          Thankful the frost is gone at last

           

          And every morning with its rise

          A smile as if to say goodbye

          To yesterday's sins

          It's good to know that an old friend

          Will shine a light through my descent

          Until I rise


      • #9
        What I love is that B has his way of saying things. If he can take this input and put it into his words that to me is a homerun.

        I, personally, love the way he's taken mine and other's input up to this point and made it his own. Because his own is a great voice.
        __________
        Your god doesn't exist but my god does and he is all loving. If you disagree with me I'll kill you. - Prince Ea

        Comment


        • oldgitplayer
          oldgitplayer commented
          Editing a comment

          ^^^

          Most important observation of the month......

          And now let me hit the Kudos tab.


        • LCK
          LCK commented
          Editing a comment

          Lee Knight wrote:
          What I love is that B has his way of saying things. If he can take this input and put it into his words that to me is a homerun.

          Me too.

          As I said, I think the opening verses are fresh and original, very Bee-like.


      • #10
        Yeah, I dug that you said that. It's true, he is smoking.
        __________
        Your god doesn't exist but my god does and he is all loving. If you disagree with me I'll kill you. - Prince Ea

        Comment



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