Jump to content

FDBK - Space Refugees - WIP


oldgitplayer

Recommended Posts

  • Members

I've been somewhat excited over the past few days with being able to post the other song 'Happiness not included' and receive feedback to integrate with a re-write and re-record that my co-writer and I have agreed to do.

This is another song from 18 months back where I took his backing track and wrote the lyric and vocal melody. The vocal is dodgy because its just a tad out of my range, but it's OK for this purpose.

A bit of background to the lyric is needed :

There have been many refugees seeking asylum in Australia in recent years. They arrive from different parts of the world usually in rusty old boats via Indonesia. Unfortunately, both sides of the Australian political spectrum have not been overly welcoming, and the issue has ceased to be humanitarian, and become a political football.

I wanted to write a song that didn't focus on local issues, because the problem is global, so I decided to ask the question, 'What would we do if we had refugees from another world? How would we treat them?'

The song is structured in a normal Verse / Chorus / Bridge pattern, but the verses are to be sung by one vocalist providing one point of view. The bridge is to be sung by a second vocalist representing another point of view. And the chorus is the unthinking mob, voicing simplistic possession and prejudice. I have done all the vocals, so they are not as differentiated as they would be if a final recording is made.

Please provide feedback - I value your input.

If the song is meh, then we won't develop it further, but if you think the idea is worth pursuing, then we'll do some further work on it.

http://picosong.com/nvLf

 

Space refugees

Burton / Stibbard 2011

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hi Phil,

I definitely think the idea is worth pursuing.  Musically, it sounds spot-on to me (melody and harmony).

I think the lyric is mostly there, though there are a couple of spots that I suggest re-working.  I love verse 2 and the chorus - I think you nailed those.  Verse 1 starts out good, but I found these four lines to be too on-the-nose and too much of a reveal for the first verse:

We may not make you welcome

We may not lend a hand

And send you off to struggle

Back in your own land.

Once you've said that, the song is pretty much over.  The repeat in verse 3 might work, as you don't have the "reveal" aspect to worry about there, but I still find it a little too matter-of-fact.

The bridge is the other lyrical trouble spot.  It starts off talking about the wife and kids, then switches to "we don't want your kind around here - scram!"  Again, I find those last three lines to be too on-the-nose.  Your chorus already handles the "get the hell out of here" theme, so I think it's overkill to hammer it home again here.  I'd fill out that space by expanding on the wife and kids a little more, maybe some insults about the ugly wife and ill-behaved crumb-crunchers?

Anyway, it's certainly not meh, and absolutely worth pursuing.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

It's really gratifying to hear you say that you like the melody...:smileyhappy:  Over the past couple of years I've considered myself someone who doesn't have a handle on melody, but maybe I have? I guess I need convincing.

I hear what you are saying about the lyric. I know I'm responding to the politics of the global situation. Refugees who seek asylum from religious or ethnic persecution in their own countries are often treated with bureaucratic indifference and sent back to where they came from, hence I'm saying it like it is.  

We may not make you welcome

We may not lend a hand

And send you off to struggle

Back in your own land.

Perhaps it should be on the nose - I don't know. The song is my response to heartlesness, and a wish to awaken the listener to their own prejudices as well as the politics of the situation. It may work as an idea, but not as a song, and I could be better off salvaging the music and writing another lyric altogether.

Let's see what some of the other responses are. There's usually divergence of opinion.

Thanks for the input.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Sweet!  I really like the verses thematically and melodically.  I'm not a huge fan of the chorus, it didn't pop enough for me but I suppose if it were really a chorus of people that might help.  The bridge is cool, I like the idea of a second voice doing that one.

There were several lyric spots that felt off to me, I'll highlight them below:


Verse 1 : Vocalist No.1

If you travel from a distant star

Down to planet Earth

Searching for some refuge

In our universe. - ("Universe" is everything, "galaxy" fits the meaning better, but I'd consider dropping this idea altogether)

We may not make you welcome

We may not lend a hand - A good line, but the prosody is off, "may" should get the first downbeat stress, with "we" hitting the last upbeat of the prior measure)

And send you off to struggle

Back in your own land.  (I'd almost prefer you just repeated the two lines above)

 

Chorus by 'Mob'

This is our planet

And not for you to share

We're quite sure we want it all

We think that's only fair. (I don't hate this, but I don't love it, and this should be one of the coolest parts of the entire song)

 

Verse 2 : Vocalist No.1

Don't bug us with your problems

Don't tell us tales of woe

What makes you think that we would care

You have nowhere to go.

You speak some other language

Refugees from outer space

If we let you live with us

You'll just be outa place.

 

Bridge : Vocalist No.2

Is that your wife and children?

Are you a family man?

We don't want space refugees

So go home while you can

Get
home while you can.

 

Chorus by 'Mob'

This is our planet

And not for you to share

We're quite sure we want it all

We think that's only fair.

 

Verse 3 : Vocalist No.1 (
Repeat Verse 1)

So if you travel from a distant star

Down to planet Earth

Searching for some refuge

In our universe.

We may not make you welcome

We may not lend a hand

And send you off to struggle

Back in your own land.

 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

You speak some other language

Big round eyes and a lime green face 

If we let you live with us

You'll just be outa place

 

:)

 

I dig it, Philster!!! Nice work.  BTW, the gang vocal is the funnest part. You throw a neighborhood BBQ and teach everyone the chorus real quick and open up the mics! Doesn't have to be perfect. These are Earth people, we're not perfect. Cool tune.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

 


Oswlek wrote:

 

 

Sweet!  I really like the verses thematically and melodically.  I'm not a huge fan of the chorus, it didn't pop enough for me but I suppose if it were really a chorus of people that might help.  The bridge is cool, I like the idea of a second voice doing that one.

 

There were several lyric spots that felt off to me, I'll highlight them below:

Verse 1 : Vocalist No.1

If you travel from a distant star

Down to planet Earth

Searching for some refuge

In our universe. - ("Universe" is everything, "galaxy" fits the meaning better, but I'd consider dropping this idea altogether)

'Universe' works for me - it is where we all live - them and us, in our shared universe.

 

We may not make you welcome

We may not lend a hand - A good line, but the prosody is off, "may" should get the first downbeat stress, with "we" hitting the last upbeat of the prior measure)

You're absolutely right about this one, but it's just me coming in to early and stuffing up. The line works when sung on the right stress.

And send you off to struggle

Back in your own land.  (I'd almost prefer you just repeated the two lines above)

 

Chorus by 'Mob'

This is our planet

And not for you to share

We're quite sure we want it all

We think that's only fair. (I don't hate this, but I don't love it, and this should be one of the coolest parts of the entire song)

I rather like this line, but we Brits do 'facetious' with a straight face  and tea and biscuits.

 

 

Verse 2 : Vocalist No.1

Don't bug us with your problems

Don't tell us tales of woe

What makes you think that we would care

You have nowhere to go.

You speak some other language

Refugees from outer space

If we let you live with us

You'll just be outa place.

 

Bridge : Vocalist No.2

Is that your wife and children?

Are you a family man?

We don't want space refugees

So go home while you can

Get
home while you can.

 

Chorus by 'Mob'

This is our planet

And not for you to share

We're quite sure we want it all

We think that's only fair.

 

Verse 3 : Vocalist No.1 (
Repeat Verse 1)

So if you travel from a distant star

Down to planet Earth

Searching for some refuge

In our universe.

We may not make you welcome

We may not lend a hand

And send you off to struggle

Back in your own land.

 

 

 

 

Both you and Lee K have suggested getting the chorus sung so it really sounds like a mob - I'll definitely get that done somehow.

BTW - my other comments are alongside your red ones, but in blue.

Thanks for the input.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

 


rhino55 wrote:

 

Cool concept.

 

 

 

I'll +1 the comments for stronger language especially in the chorus.

 


 

Glad you like the idea. I still like the concept (and it's still highly topical in Australian politics and media), even though it's about 2 years now since I wrote it. So I'll persevere.......

I think the song's structure and instrumentation can stay, but I'm looking at 10% change in vocal melody and maybe 25% rewriting of the lyric.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...