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Broken/Crack (acoustic demo)


rsadasiv

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A quick one while the kids are outside.

 

 

Lyrics (no offense to hipster hat wearers intended)

He was kind of eccentric

Stayed up late into the night

He was kind of dyslexic

Couldn't tell his left from his right

 

He got married to a woman

Then she went crazy

Might have been the other way around

 

When you feel like you are broken

Things around you tend to crack

Yeah when you feel like you are broken

Things around you, they tend to crack

 

His wife she was a poet and a painter

See her dancing down the street

Wearing out her toe shoes on the sidewalk

Dancing up and down the street

 

And you knew that she was crazy

But I knew her from way back when she was fun

 

When you feel like you are broken

Things around you tend to crack

Yeah when you feel like you are broken

Things around you, they tend to crack

 

It's a nothing kind of song about nothing people

But there's nothing really wrong with that

We can't all be some kind of {censored}ing Jesus hipster

In a Frank Sinatra pork pie hat

 

But they were real and this is true

And I know cause I was there

 

And that's all I've got to say except:

I wish I didn't always feel so broken

And I wish she hadn't cracked.

 

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rsadasiv wrote:

 

 

A quick one while the kids are outside.

 

 

 

 

Lyrics (no offense to hipster hat wearers intended)

 

He was kind of eccentric

 

Stayed up late into the night

 

He was kind of dyslexic

 

Couldn't tell his left from his right

 

 

 

He got married to a woman

 

Then she went crazy

 

Might have been the other way around

 

 

 

When you feel like you are broken

 

Things around you tend to crack

 

Yeah when you feel like you are broken

 

Things around you, they tend to crack

 

 

 

His wife she was a poet and a painter

 

See her dancing down the street

 

Wearing out her toe shoes on the sidewalk

 

Dancing up and down the street

 

 

 

And you knew that she was crazy

 

But I knew her from way back when she was fun

 

 

 

When you feel like you are broken

 

Things around you tend to crack

 

Yeah when you feel like you are broken

 

Things around you, they tend to crack

 

 

 

It's a nothing kind of song about nothing people

 

But there's nothing really wrong with that

 

We can't all be some kind of {censored}ing Jesus hipster

 

In a Frank Sinatra pork pie hat

 

 

 

But they were real and this is true

 

And I know cause I was there

 

 

 

And that's all I've got to say except:

 

I wish I didn't always feel so broken

 

And I wish she hadn't cracked.

 

I like it. I thought one line needed a little work (in red, above).

The chorus sounds like it could use something else. I know hooks are repetitive themes, but I'd like to hear a little more melodic variation in your chorus.

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I like the idea, and there are some good lines here.

I'm craving a bit more musically, but that can develop.

In the chorus, I'm hearing a couple of possibilities in production that might help drive a melody :

When you feel like you are broken...........music that enhances the word 'broken'.

Things around you tend to crack..............music that enhances the word 'crack'.

Yeah when you feel like you are broken...music that enhances the word 'broken'.

Things around you, they tend to crack.....music that enhances the word 'crack'.

 

And when you've finished with this you might explore your entendre of, 'A quick one while the kids are outside'..:smileywink:

 

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Here are my ideas for giving this just a little spark.

1)  You hit the wrong note at 1:32.  Make it the right note because it is awesome.

2)  Cut the first chorus in half.

That's it  Other than that, this is great.

I'd also suggest dropping V3 and just running wth a guitar solo there.  Build and hit B3 with serious momentum and kill that final chorus.

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Oswlek wrote:

Here are my ideas for giving this just a little spark.

1)  You hit the wrong note at 1:32.  Make it the
right
note because it is awesome.

2)  Cut the first chorus in half.

That's it  Other than that, this is great.

I'd also suggest dropping V3 and just running wth a guitar solo there.  Build and hit B3 with serious momentum and kill that final chorus.

Yeah, that's a clam.  I was kind of intrigued by the way it fell next to "crazy", and I was sort of considering developing a harmonically "out" line to represent mental illness from the context of the lyric. I'm a sucker for those kind of high-concept things, even though they seldom turn out well. But yeah, as it stands now that's just a clam. ;)

Chorus is too long. Roger that. I'm also not totally feeling the move to D there - I ususally like the verse to sort of circle around the tonic and have the chorus resolve back to the tonic hard, but not sure that's the right thing here.

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Oswlek wrote:

 

 

Here are my ideas for giving this just a little spark.

 

1)  You hit the wrong note at 1:32.  Make it the
right
note because it is awesome.

 

2)  Cut the first chorus in half.

 

That's it  Other than that, this is great.

 

I'd also suggest dropping V3 and just running wth a guitar solo there.  
Build and hit B3 with serious momentum
and kill that final chorus.

 

What did I ever do to you? 

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Oswlek wrote:

 

 

Here are my ideas for giving this just a little spark.

 

1)  You hit the wrong note at 1:32.  Make it the
right
note because it is awesome.

 

2)  Cut the first chorus in half.

 

That's it  Other than that, this is great.

 

I'd also suggest dropping V3 and just running wth a guitar solo there.  Build and hit B3 with serious momentum and kill that final chorus.

 

I like verse 3.

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rsadasiv wrote:

A quick one while the kids are outside.

 

Lyrics (no offense to hipster hat wearers intended)

He was kind of eccentric

Stayed up late into the night

He was kind of dyslexic

Couldn't tell his left from his right


He got married to a woman

Then she went crazy

Might have been the other way around


When you feel like you are broken

Things around you tend to crack

Yeah when you feel like you are broken

Things around you, they tend to crack


His wife she was a poet and a painter

See her dancing down the street

Wearing out her toe shoes on the sidewalk

Dancing up and down the street


And you knew that she was crazy

But I knew her from way back when she was fun


When you feel like you are broken

Things around you tend to crack

Yeah when you feel like you are broken

Things around you, they tend to crack


It's a nothing kind of song about nothing people

But there's nothing really wrong with that

We can't all be some kind of {censored}ing Jesus hipster

In a Frank Sinatra pork pie hat


But they were real and this is true

And I know cause I was there


And that's all I've got to say except:

I wish I didn't always feel so broken

And I wish she hadn't cracked.

 

 

The lyric is great. The music for the chorus I like alot as well. There's this feeling that the chorus isn't quite giving me enough though. I don't mean the melody isn't right or the chords... it's more to do with the fact that, on the one hand, the symmetry and directness of the lyric works well in repetition. And on the other hand, the too symmetrical nature of it seems to drain the punch of your lyrical intent. The perfectly symmetrical repetition feels almost right, but not enough to be right just yet. I'd try adding a single line of lyric on the second half to give the chorus a little kick. And maybe try alter a few little things in the repeat...

 

When you feel like you are broken
Things around you tend to crack
Yeah when you feel like you are broken

Unable to pick up the slack
Things around you...... they crack

 

Not that that ^^^ is any great shakes, but I do think if you were to put more time into the building of your motives through repetition, which you do,  and then varying  the motives, you'd be on the right track to lighting up your lyric.

 

Now this section:

 

He got married to a woman
Then she went crazy
Might have been the other way around

 


There's an issue with the chords against your melody here. Right on "married" you're playing a variation of a  V chord that makes the melody which is bouncing around between the 1st and 2nd of the tonic center. It pulls funny. Then when you do play a straight A chord, your V, it's better but still feels like you're not really using the chords, or the melody, one or the other, to their advantage. As though the meeting of the two were a bit too accidental and not in a particularly interesting way, but in more of a diluted key center way. The 1 of the scale on the V chord... you're a half step above the leading tone that the V chord craves. It's a funny rub.

 

I would take your melody and chords to the piano and see what you're doing. And then go through the verses trying to highlight your lyric by using chords and melody that tap into the basic diatonic chord functions. 

 

Or not, but I sort of think so. :)

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Lee Knight wrote:


rsadasiv wrote:

A quick one while the kids are outside.

 

Lyrics (no offense to hipster hat wearers intended)

He was kind of eccentric

Stayed up late into the night

He was kind of dyslexic

Couldn't tell his left from his right

 

He got married to a woman

Then she went crazy

Might have been the other way around

 

When you feel like you are broken

Things around you tend to crack

Yeah when you feel like you are broken

Things around you, they tend to crack

 

His wife she was a poet and a painter

See her dancing down the street

Wearing out her toe shoes on the sidewalk

Dancing up and down the street

 

And you knew that she was crazy

But I knew her from way back when she was fun

 

When you feel like you are broken

Things around you tend to crack

Yeah when you feel like you are broken

Things around you, they tend to crack

 

It's a nothing kind of song about nothing people

But there's nothing really wrong with that

We can't all be some kind of {censored}ing Jesus hipster

In a Frank Sinatra pork pie hat

 

But they were real and this is true

And I know cause I was there

 

And that's all I've got to say except:

I wish I didn't always feel so broken

And I wish she hadn't cracked.

 

 

The lyric is great. The music for the chorus I like alot as well. There's this feeling that the chorus isn't quite giving me enough though. I don't mean the melody isn't right or the chords... it's more to do with the fact that, on the one hand, the symmetry and directness of the lyric works well in repetition. And on the other hand, the 
too
symmetrical nature of it seems to drain the punch of your lyrical intent. The perfectly symmetrical repetition feels almost right, but not enough to 
be
right just yet. I'd try adding a single line of lyric on the second half to give the chorus a little
kick. 
And maybe try alter a few little things in the repeat...

 

When you feel like you are broken

Things around you tend to crack

Yeah when you feel like you are broken

Unable to pick up the slack

Things around you...... they crack

 

Not that that ^^^ is any great shakes, but I do think if you were to put more time into the building of your motives through repetition, which you do,  and then
varying  the motives
, you'd be on the right track to lighting up your lyric.

 

Now this section:

 

He got married to a woman

Then she went crazy

Might have been the other way around

 

There's an issue with the chords against your melody here. Right on "married" you're playing a variation of a  V chord that makes the melody which is bouncing around between the 1st and 2nd of the tonic center. It pulls funny. Then when you do play a straight A chord, your V, it's better but still feels like you're not really using the chords, or the melody, one or the other, to their advantage. As though the meeting of the two were a bit too accidental and not in a particularly interesting way, but in more of a diluted key center way. The 1 of the scale on the V chord... you're a half step 
above
the leading tone that the V chord craves. It's a funny rub.

 

I would take your melody and chords to the piano and see what you're doing. And then go through the verses trying to highlight your lyric by using chords and melody that tap into the basic diatonic chord 
functions.
 

 

Or not, but I sort of think so.
:)

 

Yes. I think it's that Jobim-style A/G that's bugging you. I wanted to shift the key center there, but the melody didn't get the memo. Will try on piano (d@mn wanky guitarists ;))

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Lee Knight wrote:


rsadasiv wrote:

A quick one while the kids are outside.

 

Lyrics (no offense to hipster hat wearers intended)

He was kind of eccentric

Stayed up late into the night

He was kind of dyslexic

Couldn't tell his left from his right

 

He got married to a woman

Then she went crazy

Might have been the other way around

 

When you feel like you are broken

Things around you tend to crack

Yeah when you feel like you are broken

Things around you, they tend to crack

 

His wife she was a poet and a painter

See her dancing down the street

Wearing out her toe shoes on the sidewalk

Dancing up and down the street

 

And you knew that she was crazy

But I knew her from way back when she was fun

 

When you feel like you are broken

Things around you tend to crack

Yeah when you feel like you are broken

Things around you, they tend to crack

 

It's a nothing kind of song about nothing people

But there's nothing really wrong with that

We can't all be some kind of {censored}ing Jesus hipster

In a Frank Sinatra pork pie hat

 

But they were real and this is true

And I know cause I was there

 

And that's all I've got to say except:

I wish I didn't always feel so broken

And I wish she hadn't cracked.

 

 

The lyric is great. The music for the chorus I like alot as well. There's this feeling that the chorus isn't quite giving me enough though. I don't mean the melody isn't right or the chords... it's more to do with the fact that, on the one hand, the symmetry and directness of the lyric works well in repetition. And on the other hand, the 
too
symmetrical nature of it seems to drain the punch of your lyrical intent. The perfectly symmetrical repetition feels almost right, but not enough to 
be
right just yet. I'd try adding a single line of lyric on the second half to give the chorus a little
kick. 
And maybe try alter a few little things in the repeat...

 

When you feel like you are broken

Things around you tend to crack

Yeah when you feel like you are broken

Unable to pick up the slack

Things around you...... they crack

 

Not that that ^^^ is any great shakes, but I do think if you were to put more time into the building of your motives through repetition, which you do,  and then
varying  the motives
, you'd be on the right track to lighting up your lyric.

 

Now this section:

 

He got married to a woman

Then she went crazy

Might have been the other way around

 

There's an issue with the chords against your melody here. Right on "married" you're playing a variation of a  V chord that makes the melody which is bouncing around between the 1st and 2nd of the tonic center. It pulls funny. Then when you do play a straight A chord, your V, it's better but still feels like you're not really using the chords, or the melody, one or the other, to their advantage. As though the meeting of the two were a bit too accidental and not in a particularly interesting way, but in more of a diluted key center way. The 1 of the scale on the V chord... you're a half step 
above
the leading tone that the V chord craves. It's a funny rub.

 

I would take your melody and chords to the piano and see what you're doing. And then go through the verses trying to highlight your lyric by using chords and melody that tap into the basic diatonic chord 
functions.
 

 

Or not, but I sort of think so.
:)

Lee, listen to PC that starts at 1:29.  I suggested Ram use that Bb in all of the PCs and I think that would solve a lot of the issues you have with that part.

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