Members rsadasiv Posted May 5, 2013 Members Share Posted May 5, 2013 A quick one while the kids are outside. Lyrics (no offense to hipster hat wearers intended)He was kind of eccentricStayed up late into the nightHe was kind of dyslexicCouldn't tell his left from his right He got married to a womanThen she went crazyMight have been the other way around When you feel like you are brokenThings around you tend to crackYeah when you feel like you are brokenThings around you, they tend to crack His wife she was a poet and a painterSee her dancing down the streetWearing out her toe shoes on the sidewalkDancing up and down the street And you knew that she was crazyBut I knew her from way back when she was fun When you feel like you are brokenThings around you tend to crackYeah when you feel like you are brokenThings around you, they tend to crack It's a nothing kind of song about nothing peopleBut there's nothing really wrong with thatWe can't all be some kind of {censored}ing Jesus hipsterIn a Frank Sinatra pork pie hat But they were real and this is trueAnd I know cause I was there And that's all I've got to say except:I wish I didn't always feel so brokenAnd I wish she hadn't cracked. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted May 5, 2013 Members Share Posted May 5, 2013 rsadasiv wrote: A quick one while the kids are outside. Lyrics (no offense to hipster hat wearers intended) He was kind of eccentric Stayed up late into the night He was kind of dyslexic Couldn't tell his left from his right He got married to a woman Then she went crazy Might have been the other way around When you feel like you are broken Things around you tend to crack Yeah when you feel like you are broken Things around you, they tend to crack His wife she was a poet and a painter See her dancing down the street Wearing out her toe shoes on the sidewalk Dancing up and down the street And you knew that she was crazy But I knew her from way back when she was fun When you feel like you are broken Things around you tend to crack Yeah when you feel like you are broken Things around you, they tend to crack It's a nothing kind of song about nothing people But there's nothing really wrong with that We can't all be some kind of {censored}ing Jesus hipster In a Frank Sinatra pork pie hat But they were real and this is true And I know cause I was there And that's all I've got to say except: I wish I didn't always feel so broken And I wish she hadn't cracked. I like it. I thought one line needed a little work (in red, above).The chorus sounds like it could use something else. I know hooks are repetitive themes, but I'd like to hear a little more melodic variation in your chorus. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted May 6, 2013 Author Members Share Posted May 6, 2013 Yeah, the chorus is pretty similar to the ore-chorus, and it repeats twice. I'll see if I can't come up with something better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted May 6, 2013 Members Share Posted May 6, 2013 I like the idea, and there are some good lines here. I'm craving a bit more musically, but that can develop. In the chorus, I'm hearing a couple of possibilities in production that might help drive a melody : When you feel like you are broken...........music that enhances the word 'broken'. Things around you tend to crack..............music that enhances the word 'crack'. Yeah when you feel like you are broken...music that enhances the word 'broken'. Things around you, they tend to crack.....music that enhances the word 'crack'. And when you've finished with this you might explore your entendre of, 'A quick one while the kids are outside'.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted May 6, 2013 Members Share Posted May 6, 2013 Here are my ideas for giving this just a little spark.1) You hit the wrong note at 1:32. Make it the right note because it is awesome.2) Cut the first chorus in half.That's it Other than that, this is great.I'd also suggest dropping V3 and just running wth a guitar solo there. Build and hit B3 with serious momentum and kill that final chorus. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted May 6, 2013 Author Members Share Posted May 6, 2013 Oswlek wrote: Here are my ideas for giving this just a little spark. 1) You hit the wrong note at 1:32. Make it the right note because it is awesome. 2) Cut the first chorus in half. That's it Other than that, this is great. I'd also suggest dropping V3 and just running wth a guitar solo there. Build and hit B3 with serious momentum and kill that final chorus. Yeah, that's a clam. I was kind of intrigued by the way it fell next to "crazy", and I was sort of considering developing a harmonically "out" line to represent mental illness from the context of the lyric. I'm a sucker for those kind of high-concept things, even though they seldom turn out well. But yeah, as it stands now that's just a clam. Chorus is too long. Roger that. I'm also not totally feeling the move to D there - I ususally like the verse to sort of circle around the tonic and have the chorus resolve back to the tonic hard, but not sure that's the right thing here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted May 6, 2013 Members Share Posted May 6, 2013 Oswlek wrote: Here are my ideas for giving this just a little spark. 1) You hit the wrong note at 1:32. Make it the right note because it is awesome. 2) Cut the first chorus in half. That's it Other than that, this is great. I'd also suggest dropping V3 and just running wth a guitar solo there. Build and hit B3 with serious momentum and kill that final chorus. What did I ever do to you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted May 6, 2013 Members Share Posted May 6, 2013 Oswlek wrote: Here are my ideas for giving this just a little spark. 1) You hit the wrong note at 1:32. Make it the right note because it is awesome. 2) Cut the first chorus in half. That's it Other than that, this is great. I'd also suggest dropping V3 and just running wth a guitar solo there. Build and hit B3 with serious momentum and kill that final chorus. I like verse 3. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted May 14, 2013 Author Members Share Posted May 14, 2013 How about this for the second half of the chorus: And when you feelLike your words have been stolenThen you might wishThat you could have them back Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted May 14, 2013 Moderators Share Posted May 14, 2013 rsadasiv wrote: A quick one while the kids are outside. Lyrics (no offense to hipster hat wearers intended) He was kind of eccentricStayed up late into the nightHe was kind of dyslexicCouldn't tell his left from his rightHe got married to a womanThen she went crazyMight have been the other way aroundWhen you feel like you are brokenThings around you tend to crackYeah when you feel like you are brokenThings around you, they tend to crackHis wife she was a poet and a painterSee her dancing down the streetWearing out her toe shoes on the sidewalkDancing up and down the streetAnd you knew that she was crazyBut I knew her from way back when she was funWhen you feel like you are brokenThings around you tend to crackYeah when you feel like you are brokenThings around you, they tend to crackIt's a nothing kind of song about nothing peopleBut there's nothing really wrong with thatWe can't all be some kind of {censored}ing Jesus hipsterIn a Frank Sinatra pork pie hatBut they were real and this is trueAnd I know cause I was thereAnd that's all I've got to say except:I wish I didn't always feel so brokenAnd I wish she hadn't cracked. The lyric is great. The music for the chorus I like alot as well. There's this feeling that the chorus isn't quite giving me enough though. I don't mean the melody isn't right or the chords... it's more to do with the fact that, on the one hand, the symmetry and directness of the lyric works well in repetition. And on the other hand, the too symmetrical nature of it seems to drain the punch of your lyrical intent. The perfectly symmetrical repetition feels almost right, but not enough to be right just yet. I'd try adding a single line of lyric on the second half to give the chorus a little kick. And maybe try alter a few little things in the repeat... When you feel like you are brokenThings around you tend to crackYeah when you feel like you are broken Unable to pick up the slackThings around you...... they crack Not that that ^^^ is any great shakes, but I do think if you were to put more time into the building of your motives through repetition, which you do, and then varying the motives, you'd be on the right track to lighting up your lyric. Now this section: He got married to a womanThen she went crazyMight have been the other way around There's an issue with the chords against your melody here. Right on "married" you're playing a variation of a V chord that makes the melody which is bouncing around between the 1st and 2nd of the tonic center. It pulls funny. Then when you do play a straight A chord, your V, it's better but still feels like you're not really using the chords, or the melody, one or the other, to their advantage. As though the meeting of the two were a bit too accidental and not in a particularly interesting way, but in more of a diluted key center way. The 1 of the scale on the V chord... you're a half step above the leading tone that the V chord craves. It's a funny rub. I would take your melody and chords to the piano and see what you're doing. And then go through the verses trying to highlight your lyric by using chords and melody that tap into the basic diatonic chord functions. Or not, but I sort of think so. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted May 14, 2013 Author Members Share Posted May 14, 2013 Lee Knight wrote: rsadasiv wrote: A quick one while the kids are outside. Lyrics (no offense to hipster hat wearers intended) He was kind of eccentric Stayed up late into the night He was kind of dyslexic Couldn't tell his left from his right He got married to a woman Then she went crazy Might have been the other way around When you feel like you are broken Things around you tend to crack Yeah when you feel like you are broken Things around you, they tend to crack His wife she was a poet and a painter See her dancing down the street Wearing out her toe shoes on the sidewalk Dancing up and down the street And you knew that she was crazy But I knew her from way back when she was fun When you feel like you are broken Things around you tend to crack Yeah when you feel like you are broken Things around you, they tend to crack It's a nothing kind of song about nothing people But there's nothing really wrong with that We can't all be some kind of {censored}ing Jesus hipster In a Frank Sinatra pork pie hat But they were real and this is true And I know cause I was there And that's all I've got to say except: I wish I didn't always feel so broken And I wish she hadn't cracked. The lyric is great. The music for the chorus I like alot as well. There's this feeling that the chorus isn't quite giving me enough though. I don't mean the melody isn't right or the chords... it's more to do with the fact that, on the one hand, the symmetry and directness of the lyric works well in repetition. And on the other hand, the too symmetrical nature of it seems to drain the punch of your lyrical intent. The perfectly symmetrical repetition feels almost right, but not enough to be right just yet. I'd try adding a single line of lyric on the second half to give the chorus a little kick. And maybe try alter a few little things in the repeat... When you feel like you are broken Things around you tend to crack Yeah when you feel like you are broken Unable to pick up the slack Things around you...... they crack Not that that ^^^ is any great shakes, but I do think if you were to put more time into the building of your motives through repetition, which you do, and then varying the motives, you'd be on the right track to lighting up your lyric. Now this section: He got married to a woman Then she went crazy Might have been the other way around There's an issue with the chords against your melody here. Right on "married" you're playing a variation of a V chord that makes the melody which is bouncing around between the 1st and 2nd of the tonic center. It pulls funny. Then when you do play a straight A chord, your V, it's better but still feels like you're not really using the chords, or the melody, one or the other, to their advantage. As though the meeting of the two were a bit too accidental and not in a particularly interesting way, but in more of a diluted key center way. The 1 of the scale on the V chord... you're a half step above the leading tone that the V chord craves. It's a funny rub. I would take your melody and chords to the piano and see what you're doing. And then go through the verses trying to highlight your lyric by using chords and melody that tap into the basic diatonic chord functions. Or not, but I sort of think so. Yes. I think it's that Jobim-style A/G that's bugging you. I wanted to shift the key center there, but the melody didn't get the memo. Will try on piano (d@mn wanky guitarists ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted May 14, 2013 Members Share Posted May 14, 2013 Lee Knight wrote: rsadasiv wrote: A quick one while the kids are outside. Lyrics (no offense to hipster hat wearers intended) He was kind of eccentric Stayed up late into the night He was kind of dyslexic Couldn't tell his left from his right He got married to a woman Then she went crazy Might have been the other way around When you feel like you are broken Things around you tend to crack Yeah when you feel like you are broken Things around you, they tend to crack His wife she was a poet and a painter See her dancing down the street Wearing out her toe shoes on the sidewalk Dancing up and down the street And you knew that she was crazy But I knew her from way back when she was fun When you feel like you are broken Things around you tend to crack Yeah when you feel like you are broken Things around you, they tend to crack It's a nothing kind of song about nothing people But there's nothing really wrong with that We can't all be some kind of {censored}ing Jesus hipster In a Frank Sinatra pork pie hat But they were real and this is true And I know cause I was there And that's all I've got to say except: I wish I didn't always feel so broken And I wish she hadn't cracked. The lyric is great. The music for the chorus I like alot as well. There's this feeling that the chorus isn't quite giving me enough though. I don't mean the melody isn't right or the chords... it's more to do with the fact that, on the one hand, the symmetry and directness of the lyric works well in repetition. And on the other hand, the too symmetrical nature of it seems to drain the punch of your lyrical intent. The perfectly symmetrical repetition feels almost right, but not enough to be right just yet. I'd try adding a single line of lyric on the second half to give the chorus a little kick. And maybe try alter a few little things in the repeat... When you feel like you are broken Things around you tend to crack Yeah when you feel like you are broken Unable to pick up the slack Things around you...... they crack Not that that ^^^ is any great shakes, but I do think if you were to put more time into the building of your motives through repetition, which you do, and then varying the motives, you'd be on the right track to lighting up your lyric. Now this section: He got married to a woman Then she went crazy Might have been the other way around There's an issue with the chords against your melody here. Right on "married" you're playing a variation of a V chord that makes the melody which is bouncing around between the 1st and 2nd of the tonic center. It pulls funny. Then when you do play a straight A chord, your V, it's better but still feels like you're not really using the chords, or the melody, one or the other, to their advantage. As though the meeting of the two were a bit too accidental and not in a particularly interesting way, but in more of a diluted key center way. The 1 of the scale on the V chord... you're a half step above the leading tone that the V chord craves. It's a funny rub. I would take your melody and chords to the piano and see what you're doing. And then go through the verses trying to highlight your lyric by using chords and melody that tap into the basic diatonic chord functions. Or not, but I sort of think so. Lee, listen to PC that starts at 1:29. I suggested Ram use that Bb in all of the PCs and I think that would solve a lot of the issues you have with that part. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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