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  • Broken/Crack (acoustic demo)

    A quick one while the kids are outside.

     

    Lyrics (no offense to hipster hat wearers intended)

    He was kind of eccentric
    Stayed up late into the night
    He was kind of dyslexic
    Couldn't tell his left from his right

    He got married to a woman
    Then she went crazy
    Might have been the other way around

    When you feel like you are broken
    Things around you tend to crack
    Yeah when you feel like you are broken
    Things around you, they tend to crack

    His wife she was a poet and a painter
    See her dancing down the street
    Wearing out her toe shoes on the sidewalk
    Dancing up and down the street

    And you knew that she was crazy
    But I knew her from way back when she was fun

    When you feel like you are broken
    Things around you tend to crack
    Yeah when you feel like you are broken
    Things around you, they tend to crack

    It's a nothing kind of song about nothing people
    But there's nothing really wrong with that
    We can't all be some kind of ****************ing Jesus hipster
    In a Frank Sinatra pork pie hat

    But they were real and this is true
    And I know cause I was there

    And that's all I've got to say except:
    I wish I didn't always feel so broken
    And I wish she hadn't cracked.

     

    Lyrics Songs Demos Videos Covers Dj Facebook Tumblr

    Before you leave the house, look in the mirror and take one thing off.

    -Coco Chanel

  • #2

    rsadasiv wrote:

    A quick one while the kids are outside.

     

    Lyrics (no offense to hipster hat wearers intended)

    He was kind of eccentric
    Stayed up late into the night
    He was kind of dyslexic
    Couldn't tell his left from his right

    He got married to a woman
    Then she went crazy
    Might have been the other way around

    When you feel like you are broken
    Things around you tend to crack
    Yeah when you feel like you are broken
    Things around you, they tend to crack

    His wife she was a poet and a painter
    See her dancing down the street
    Wearing out her toe shoes on the sidewalk
    Dancing up and down the street

    And you knew that she was crazy
    But I knew her from way back when she was fun

    When you feel like you are broken
    Things around you tend to crack
    Yeah when you feel like you are broken
    Things around you, they tend to crack

    It's a nothing kind of song about nothing people
    But there's nothing really wrong with that
    We can't all be some kind of ****************ing Jesus hipster
    In a Frank Sinatra pork pie hat

    But they were real and this is true
    And I know cause I was there

    And that's all I've got to say except:
    I wish I didn't always feel so broken
    And I wish she hadn't cracked.


    I like it. I thought one line needed a little work (in red, above).

    The chorus sounds like it could use something else. I know hooks are repetitive themes, but I'd like to hear a little more melodic variation in your chorus.

    “Good Vibrations” was probably a good record but who's to know? You had to play it about 90 bloody times to even hear what they were singing about. What’s next? Rock opera? —Pete Townshend, Melody Maker Interview, 1966.

    Comment


    • rsadasiv
      rsadasiv commented
      Editing a comment
      Yeah, the chorus is pretty similar to the ore-chorus, and it repeats twice. I'll see if I can't come up with something better.

    • oldgitplayer
      oldgitplayer commented
      Editing a comment

      I like the idea, and there are some good lines here.

      I'm craving a bit more musically, but that can develop.

      In the chorus, I'm hearing a couple of possibilities in production that might help drive a melody :

      When you feel like you are broken...........music that enhances the word 'broken'.
      Things around you tend to crack..............music that enhances the word 'crack'.
      Yeah when you feel like you are broken...music that enhances the word 'broken'.
      Things around you, they tend to crack.....music that enhances the word 'crack'.

       

      And when you've finished with this you might explore your entendre of, 'A quick one while the kids are outside'...png" alt=":smileywink:" title="Smiley Wink" />

       


  • #3

    Here are my ideas for giving this just a little spark.

    1)  You hit the wrong note at 1:32.  Make it the right note because it is awesome.

    2)  Cut the first chorus in half.

    That's it  Other than that, this is great.

    I'd also suggest dropping V3 and just running wth a guitar solo there.  Build and hit B3 with serious momentum and kill that final chorus.

    Don't listen to Justin.
    LCK - 2/21/2012

    Comment


    • rsadasiv
      rsadasiv commented
      Editing a comment

      Oswlek wrote:

      Here are my ideas for giving this just a little spark.

      1)  You hit the wrong note at 1:32.  Make it the right note because it is awesome.

      2)  Cut the first chorus in half.

      That's it  Other than that, this is great.

      I'd also suggest dropping V3 and just running wth a guitar solo there.  Build and hit B3 with serious momentum and kill that final chorus.


      Yeah, that's a clam.  I was kind of intrigued by the way it fell next to "crazy", and I was sort of considering developing a harmonically "out" line to represent mental illness from the context of the lyric. I'm a sucker for those kind of high-concept things, even though they seldom turn out well. But yeah, as it stands now that's just a clam.

      Chorus is too long. Roger that. I'm also not totally feeling the move to D there - I ususally like the verse to sort of circle around the tonic and have the chorus resolve back to the tonic hard, but not sure that's the right thing here.


    • bee3
      bee3 commented
      Editing a comment

      Oswlek wrote:

      Here are my ideas for giving this just a little spark.

      1)  You hit the wrong note at 1:32.  Make it the right note because it is awesome.

      2)  Cut the first chorus in half.

      That's it  Other than that, this is great.

      I'd also suggest dropping V3 and just running wth a guitar solo there.  Build and hit B3 with serious momentum and kill that final chorus.


      What did I ever do to you? 


    • LCK
      LCK commented
      Editing a comment

      Oswlek wrote:

      Here are my ideas for giving this just a little spark.

      1)  You hit the wrong note at 1:32.  Make it the right note because it is awesome.

      2)  Cut the first chorus in half.

      That's it  Other than that, this is great.

      I'd also suggest dropping V3 and just running wth a guitar solo there.  Build and hit B3 with serious momentum and kill that final chorus.


      I like verse 3.


  • #4
    How about this for the second half of the chorus:

    And when you feel
    Like your words have been stolen
    Then you might wish
    That you could have them back
    Lyrics Songs Demos Videos Covers Dj Facebook Tumblr

    Before you leave the house, look in the mirror and take one thing off.

    -Coco Chanel

    Comment


    • #5

      rsadasiv wrote:

      A quick one while the kids are outside.



       


      Lyrics (no offense to hipster hat wearers intended)


      He was kind of eccentric
      Stayed up late into the night
      He was kind of dyslexic
      Couldn't tell his left from his right

      He got married to a woman
      Then she went crazy
      Might have been the other way around

      When you feel like you are broken
      Things around you tend to crack
      Yeah when you feel like you are broken
      Things around you, they tend to crack

      His wife she was a poet and a painter
      See her dancing down the street
      Wearing out her toe shoes on the sidewalk
      Dancing up and down the street

      And you knew that she was crazy
      But I knew her from way back when she was fun

      When you feel like you are broken
      Things around you tend to crack
      Yeah when you feel like you are broken
      Things around you, they tend to crack

      It's a nothing kind of song about nothing people
      But there's nothing really wrong with that
      We can't all be some kind of ****************ing Jesus hipster
      In a Frank Sinatra pork pie hat

      But they were real and this is true
      And I know cause I was there

      And that's all I've got to say except:
      I wish I didn't always feel so broken
      And I wish she hadn't cracked.


       




       


      The lyric is great. The music for the chorus I like alot as well. There's this feeling that the chorus isn't quite giving me enough though. I don't mean the melody isn't right or the chords... it's more to do with the fact that, on the one hand, the symmetry and directness of the lyric works well in repetition. And on the other hand, the too symmetrical nature of it seems to drain the punch of your lyrical intent. The perfectly symmetrical repetition feels almost right, but not enough to be right just yet. I'd try adding a single line of lyric on the second half to give the chorus a little kick. And maybe try alter a few little things in the repeat...


       


      When you feel like you are broken
      Things around you tend to crack
      Yeah when you feel like you are broken


      Unable to pick up the slack
      Things around you...... they crack


       


      Not that that ^^^ is any great shakes, but I do think if you were to put more time into the building of your motives through repetition, which you do,  and then varying  the motives, you'd be on the right track to lighting up your lyric.


       


      Now this section:


       


      He got married to a woman
      Then she went crazy
      Might have been the other way around


       



      There's an issue with the chords against your melody here. Right on "married" you're playing a variation of a  V chord that makes the melody which is bouncing around between the 1st and 2nd of the tonic center. It pulls funny. Then when you do play a straight A chord, your V, it's better but still feels like you're not really using the chords, or the melody, one or the other, to their advantage. As though the meeting of the two were a bit too accidental and not in a particularly interesting way, but in more of a diluted key center way. The 1 of the scale on the V chord... you're a half step above the leading tone that the V chord craves. It's a funny rub.


       


      I would take your melody and chords to the piano and see what you're doing. And then go through the verses trying to highlight your lyric by using chords and melody that tap into the basic diatonic chord functions. 


       


      Or not, but I sort of think so.

      __________
      Ain't no sacrilege to call Elvis king
      Dad is great and all but he never could sing -
      Jesus

      Comment


      • rsadasiv
        rsadasiv commented
        Editing a comment

        Lee Knight wrote:

        rsadasiv wrote:

        A quick one while the kids are outside.

         

        Lyrics (no offense to hipster hat wearers intended)

        He was kind of eccentric
        Stayed up late into the night
        He was kind of dyslexic
        Couldn't tell his left from his right

        He got married to a woman
        Then she went crazy
        Might have been the other way around

        When you feel like you are broken
        Things around you tend to crack
        Yeah when you feel like you are broken
        Things around you, they tend to crack

        His wife she was a poet and a painter
        See her dancing down the street
        Wearing out her toe shoes on the sidewalk
        Dancing up and down the street

        And you knew that she was crazy
        But I knew her from way back when she was fun

        When you feel like you are broken
        Things around you tend to crack
        Yeah when you feel like you are broken
        Things around you, they tend to crack

        It's a nothing kind of song about nothing people
        But there's nothing really wrong with that
        We can't all be some kind of ****************ing Jesus hipster
        In a Frank Sinatra pork pie hat

        But they were real and this is true
        And I know cause I was there

        And that's all I've got to say except:
        I wish I didn't always feel so broken
        And I wish she hadn't cracked.

         


         

        The lyric is great. The music for the chorus I like alot as well. There's this feeling that the chorus isn't quite giving me enough though. I don't mean the melody isn't right or the chords... it's more to do with the fact that, on the one hand, the symmetry and directness of the lyric works well in repetition. And on the other hand, the too symmetrical nature of it seems to drain the punch of your lyrical intent. The perfectly symmetrical repetition feels almost right, but not enough to be right just yet. I'd try adding a single line of lyric on the second half to give the chorus a little kick. And maybe try alter a few little things in the repeat...

         

        When you feel like you are broken
        Things around you tend to crack
        Yeah when you feel like you are broken

        Unable to pick up the slack
        Things around you...... they crack

         

        Not that that ^^^ is any great shakes, but I do think if you were to put more time into the building of your motives through repetition, which you do,  and then varying  the motives, you'd be on the right track to lighting up your lyric.

         

        Now this section:

         

        He got married to a woman
        Then she went crazy
        Might have been the other way around

         


        There's an issue with the chords against your melody here. Right on "married" you're playing a variation of a  V chord that makes the melody which is bouncing around between the 1st and 2nd of the tonic center. It pulls funny. Then when you do play a straight A chord, your V, it's better but still feels like you're not really using the chords, or the melody, one or the other, to their advantage. As though the meeting of the two were a bit too accidental and not in a particularly interesting way, but in more of a diluted key center way. The 1 of the scale on the V chord... you're a half step above the leading tone that the V chord craves. It's a funny rub.

         

        I would take your melody and chords to the piano and see what you're doing. And then go through the verses trying to highlight your lyric by using chords and melody that tap into the basic diatonic chord functions. 

         

        Or not, but I sort of think so.


         

        Yes. I think it's that Jobim-style A/G that's bugging you. I wanted to shift the key center there, but the melody didn't get the memo. Will try on piano (d@mn wanky guitarists )


      • Oswlek
        Oswlek commented
        Editing a comment

        Lee Knight wrote:

        rsadasiv wrote:

        A quick one while the kids are outside.

         

        Lyrics (no offense to hipster hat wearers intended)

        He was kind of eccentric
        Stayed up late into the night
        He was kind of dyslexic
        Couldn't tell his left from his right

        He got married to a woman
        Then she went crazy
        Might have been the other way around

        When you feel like you are broken
        Things around you tend to crack
        Yeah when you feel like you are broken
        Things around you, they tend to crack

        His wife she was a poet and a painter
        See her dancing down the street
        Wearing out her toe shoes on the sidewalk
        Dancing up and down the street

        And you knew that she was crazy
        But I knew her from way back when she was fun

        When you feel like you are broken
        Things around you tend to crack
        Yeah when you feel like you are broken
        Things around you, they tend to crack

        It's a nothing kind of song about nothing people
        But there's nothing really wrong with that
        We can't all be some kind of ****************ing Jesus hipster
        In a Frank Sinatra pork pie hat

        But they were real and this is true
        And I know cause I was there

        And that's all I've got to say except:
        I wish I didn't always feel so broken
        And I wish she hadn't cracked.

         


         

        The lyric is great. The music for the chorus I like alot as well. There's this feeling that the chorus isn't quite giving me enough though. I don't mean the melody isn't right or the chords... it's more to do with the fact that, on the one hand, the symmetry and directness of the lyric works well in repetition. And on the other hand, the too symmetrical nature of it seems to drain the punch of your lyrical intent. The perfectly symmetrical repetition feels almost right, but not enough to be right just yet. I'd try adding a single line of lyric on the second half to give the chorus a little kick. And maybe try alter a few little things in the repeat...

         

        When you feel like you are broken
        Things around you tend to crack
        Yeah when you feel like you are broken

        Unable to pick up the slack
        Things around you...... they crack

         

        Not that that ^^^ is any great shakes, but I do think if you were to put more time into the building of your motives through repetition, which you do,  and then varying  the motives, you'd be on the right track to lighting up your lyric.

         

        Now this section:

         

        He got married to a woman
        Then she went crazy
        Might have been the other way around

         


        There's an issue with the chords against your melody here. Right on "married" you're playing a variation of a  V chord that makes the melody which is bouncing around between the 1st and 2nd of the tonic center. It pulls funny. Then when you do play a straight A chord, your V, it's better but still feels like you're not really using the chords, or the melody, one or the other, to their advantage. As though the meeting of the two were a bit too accidental and not in a particularly interesting way, but in more of a diluted key center way. The 1 of the scale on the V chord... you're a half step above the leading tone that the V chord craves. It's a funny rub.

         

        I would take your melody and chords to the piano and see what you're doing. And then go through the verses trying to highlight your lyric by using chords and melody that tap into the basic diatonic chord functions. 

         

        Or not, but I sort of think so.


        Lee, listen to PC that starts at 1:29.  I suggested Ram use that Bb in all of the PCs and I think that would solve a lot of the issues you have with that part.













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