Members LCK Posted May 13, 2013 Members Share Posted May 13, 2013 I put together a tune for the first version of this title, but wanted to try something simpler. I came up with this. Something NewWhen I awakeand see your smileI Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted May 13, 2013 Moderators Share Posted May 13, 2013 All the following is quick and first reaction so it may all be way off the mark. Here goes... Something NewWhen I awakeand see your smileI Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted May 13, 2013 Members Share Posted May 13, 2013 Agreed with Lee, right down to the cheery/dreary pair. It could work - and maybe it does in song - but right now it isn't 100% there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted May 14, 2013 Moderators Share Posted May 14, 2013 Well Lee, I much prefer your first draft. As you probably surmised from my comments I like that zinger at the end. Of course you've got to go where you've got to go or you've got to do what you've got to do. Still, for me, I thought the zinger was the song. To take the idea of someone new and putting it through the ringer in different ways was a very cool basic concept for your lyric. I do agree that there is gold to be mined in the idea of Woody Allen and his modern take on NYC nostalgia. Not to say that you want to rip off his gig, but there's something there that when you do manage to finesse the classic with the modern something special comes about. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted May 14, 2013 Author Members Share Posted May 14, 2013 Lee Knight wrote: Well Lee, I have much preferred your first draft. As you probably surmise from my comments I like that zinger at the end. Of course you've got to go or you've got to go on you've got to do what you've got to do. Still, for me, I thought the zinger was the song. To take the idea of someone new and putting it through the ringer in different ways was a very cool basic concept for your lyric. I do agree that there is gold to be mined in the idea of Woody Allen and his modern take on NYC nostalgia. Not to say that you want to rip off his gig, but there's something there that when you do manage to finesse the classic with the modern something special comes about. Now that's helpful.You know it's not like I actually know what I'm doing here. Sometimes (most of the time) I'm just groping my way towards some vague idea of something, hoping to fill the pieces in as I go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted May 14, 2013 Moderators Share Posted May 14, 2013 Ha! Just like me, my friend. Seriously, it's hard to know when you have an idea that is worthy, or an idea that isn't really an idea. That's why I tend to post lots of my ideas and some of them fly based on reaction and some of them died in the wind. But I get your MO. Throw it against the wall and see what sticks. I get that for sure. I love that your initial idea was a pretty well developed concept, twist and all. Personally, I wouldn't lose the twist as I see that as being the idea itself. Your mileage, may of course, vary. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members nat whilk II Posted May 17, 2013 Members Share Posted May 17, 2013 I'm late to the party here - My first response, listening rather than reading, is that I want a slower tempo, a 6/8 blues thing. Less charm, more misery. Cause this is a very sad lyric, confessional, bruised in the same place yet again. Chords comped with strings rather than the busier fingerpicked style, too. I do get the Lightfoot reference from Lee's comment, especially from the folkie-style Ferry Cross The Mersey chord pattern at the first of the verses, the A to G or whatever key you're in. That works well in this tune. The sad-Sinatra comment is also interesting. Oh, yes, I can hear him singing this most definitely. The thing is this - to get this type of material across, personally I think the main thing is the vocal. Not the chords, not even the lyrics - just the sheer delivery power of the vocal. You've got to convince someone brought up on punk and Red Bull that there's a sincere feeling in the tune, and not just style and charm and sentimentality. Which brings me to my main point - you've got a lot more voice than you let out on the leash. I suggest paying it out a few more yards and give your voice a chance to explore the mood you're channelling. That's why I think I want to hear the song slower, so that you can stretch out words in your lyric like "funny" and "new" and "stars" and "spent" and "found" and so on. And sing less on the beat, but stretch in and out of the strict rhythm vocally. Write songs for your singing, not songs that you sing. That's my halftime coaches talk... nat whilk ii Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted May 17, 2013 Author Members Share Posted May 17, 2013 nat whilk II wrote: I'm late to the party here - My first response, listening rather than reading, is that I want a slower tempo, a 6/8 blues thing. Less charm, more misery. Cause this is a very sad lyric, confessional, bruised in the same place yet again. Chords comped with strings rather than the busier fingerpicked style, too. I do get the Lightfoot reference from Lee's comment, especially from the folkie-style Ferry Cross The Mersey chord pattern at the first of the verses, the A to G or whatever key you're in. That works well in this tune. The sad-Sinatra comment is also interesting. Oh, yes, I can hear him singing this most definitely. The thing is this - to get this type of material across, personally I think the main thing is the vocal. Not the chords, not even the lyrics - just the sheer delivery power of the vocal. You've got to convince someone brought up on punk and Red Bull that there's a sincere feeling in the tune, and not just style and charm and sentimentality. Which brings me to my main point - you've got a lot more voice than you let out on the leash. I suggest paying it out a few more yards and give your voice a chance to explore the mood you're channelling. That's why I think I want to hear the song slower, so that you can stretch out words in your lyric like "funny" and "new" and "stars" and "spent" and "found" and so on. And sing less on the beat, but stretch in and out of the strict rhythm vocally. Write songs for your singing, not songs that you sing. That's my halftime coaches talk... nat whilk ii All good points. I think those ideas would improve things a lot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members milla_ulliel Posted May 20, 2013 Members Share Posted May 20, 2013 It si important to hear the music created for this text, so you can feel the real power of the text, but I think it is quite good. Dreamwell Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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