Members LCK Posted June 6, 2013 Members Share Posted June 6, 2013 One of the songs on my theoretical LP of Sinatra songs ends with the lines: How unwise to have been outsmartedby this twist in life's oldest gameNow the songs of the broken heartedfill each passing breeze with sad melodiesthat whisper your name. Now I don't know if it would be cool or uncool to follow that song with one that opens with a girl's name. So, thinking it might be a cool idea, this sort of came to me today as a possibility.There are two songs that could serve as basic models for this. "Kristin"1.Kristin.Kristin, Kristin, Kristinrecalls the mist of a May time rose,the kiss of Christmas snowflakesthat melt on your cheeks and nose. 2.Kristin.Kristin, Kristin, Kristina silver star at the break of day,or a lingering desert sunsetthat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted June 6, 2013 Author Members Share Posted June 6, 2013 I did a little more work on it... 1.Kristin.Kristin, Kristin, Kristinrecalls the mist of a May time rose,and the kiss of Christmas snowflakesas they melt on your cheeks and nose. 2.Kristin.Kristin, Kristin, Kristina single star at the close of day,two sleeping bags zipped up as onein the chill of the setting autumn sunabove the rim of the canyon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted June 6, 2013 Members Share Posted June 6, 2013 The shift from the kiss of Christmas snowflakesmelting on a cheek in V1 to the somewhat rugged image of sleeping bags in V2 (imagination filled in hiking boots and other outback paraphanalia), was a bit of a difficult leap for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted June 10, 2013 Moderators Share Posted June 10, 2013 He shoots he scores I love it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted June 11, 2013 Moderators Share Posted June 11, 2013 Personally... I love "is the glistening dew on a rose". "Is" and "glis" are nicely closed with the tongue on front hard palate and your consonant "dew". I think that line really works Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted June 11, 2013 Author Members Share Posted June 11, 2013 Lee Knight wrote: Personally... I love "is the glistening dew on a rose". "Is" and "glis" are nicely closed with the tongue on front hard palate and your consonant "dew". I think that line really works Cool. Thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted June 16, 2013 Author Members Share Posted June 16, 2013 LCK wrote: "Kristin"1.Kristin.Kristin, Kristin, Kristinrecalls the mist of a May time rose,the kiss of Christmas snowflakesthat melt on your cheeks and nose.2.Kristin.Kristin, Kristin, Kristina silver star at the break of day,or a lingering desert sunsetthat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted June 16, 2013 Moderators Share Posted June 16, 2013 Looks great! But I still really prefer: She's the mystery of where summer goes It's a mildly awkward line and yet... It feels right to me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted June 16, 2013 Members Share Posted June 16, 2013 It's got even better, but I agree with Lee. Woman is a mystery - I don't care how many times I hear it.The one thing that strikes me however is the final line I couldn't make her stay. I know we use the phrase in colloquial usage, but the actual words imply coercion. Is their perhaps another way of putting it? Or maybe it's not necessary, in that the colloquial, I couldn't make her stay is the best way of saying it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted June 16, 2013 Author Members Share Posted June 16, 2013 Lee Knight wrote: Looks great! But I still really prefer: She's the mystery of where summer goes It's a mildly awkward line and yet... It feels right to me First of all, thanks.Secondly, you make a very good point. The thing is I didn't want to repeat the "myst" in the first verse with "mist" in the second. That's why I made the change. But you're right. The original is a much better line than its replacement.So for the 2nd verse: "Wisps made of fog?" "Whispers of fog?" or just back to "mists of the night that drift away?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members djohn11s Posted June 17, 2013 Members Share Posted June 17, 2013 +1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Crqc Posted June 19, 2013 Members Share Posted June 19, 2013 LCK wrote: LCK wrote: "Kristin"1.Kristin.Kristin, Kristin, Kristinrecalls the mist of a May time rose,the kiss of Christmas snowflakesthat melt on your cheeks and nose.2.Kristin.Kristin, Kristin, Kristina silver star at the break of day,or a lingering desert sunsetthat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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