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A Forgotten Man

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  • A Forgotten Man

    This is a new one I'm working on...

    Edit: here is a video for this one.

     

    Forgotten Man

    I


  • #2
    This is a great start. There are a few spots that could use some smoothing.

    Forgotten Man

    I
    ...

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    • Lee Knight
      Lee Knight commented
      Editing a comment

      I'm little distracted by my emotion reading that to offer any input. I love it.


    • Lee Knight
      Lee Knight commented
      Editing a comment


      Now I sit beside your grave
      I wish your life I could have saved (wording is awkward)
      Son, this I promise you
      I


  • #3
    Thanks guys. I'll give those ideas a whirl... tomorrow. Minutes after I finished this last night (as I was uploading to YouTube), I got blindsided by a nasty stomach bug.

    Yuck.

    Comment


    • solobtv
      solobtv commented
      Editing a comment
      It takes a lot of guts to put work up for scrutiny. Good luck to you!

  • #4

    Nice tune.

    I understand the concept you're going for, which is kinda tough to convey. I found the perspective kind of hard and confusing to follow at times. Feels like there a lot of jumping around between the characters, the father, the mother and the son. And then you turn the whole song completely around at the end. If it weren't for the lyrics on the page it would have been an even harder song to follow.

    Another issue I had was with the chorus. The 2nd half of the choruses change each time, which I felt made the choruses not stand out enough, especially when your verses are relatively long.

    Just my two cents. I hope this feedback is helpful to you.

    Btw, I'm not sure if anyone else noticed it or not, but the melody of the first and second line of each verse sounds a lot like the song "I Dreamed a Dream".

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