God-Forsaken Town

[fenderbender9]

A few lines I'm not a fan of in this one, but it definitely has the honesty and emotion in it I'm trying to convey. Really, the first line of the chorus I'm not a fan of either. Feel free to suggest changes. 

 

God-Forsaken Town

 

(Verse)

Standin

[Lee Knight]

Before I check out yor tune, and I'm looking forward to it because I remember digging your stuff, I want to mention to not forget to check out other's tunes and try to offer feedback. It's like a deposit. Help... And be helped.

 

Looking forward to getting a chance to check it out.

[fenderbender9]

Will do, Lee. Sorry about that! It's been a while. 

[rhino55]

I think there is a disconnect between the last 3 lines of the second verse and the rest of the lyric.

[Lee Knight]

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fenderbender9 wrote:

A few lines I'm not a fan of in this one, but it definitely has the honesty and emotion in it I'm trying to convey. Really, the first line of the chorus I'm not a fan of either. Feel free to suggest changes. 

 

God-Forsaken Town

 

(Verse)

Standin

[rhino55]

and +1 to everything LK said. Great stuff there.

[fenderbender9]

Thanks guys. I'm not at all attached to most of the lyrics. The first verse is on the right track and I think I'll stick with that theme, Lee. Haha the problem is I let the song sit after a break up and came back to it right after a really bitter fight with "the man" and his corporate shennanigans...namely in a church job I held getting paid minimum wage and denied a raise as an interim employee filling in a full time job...it's a whole nother story for a whole nother time, but that's why there's a gap in the story. Not sure how I missed it...thanks for the input!

[LCK]

 

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Lee Knight wrote:

 

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fenderbender9 wrote:

 

A few lines I'm not a fan of in this one, but it definitely has the honesty and emotion in it I'm trying to convey. Really, the first line of the chorus I'm not a fan of either. Feel free to suggest changes. 

 

God-Forsaken Town

 

(Verse)

Standin

[davie]

Very interesting. I'm loving the line:

"pay a visit to our biggest thieves, who use a crown as their defense"

 

Not really sure what does "back into my bed" in the first verse mean though. I'm guessing the first verse is describing a drunken-sorta dream state? lol

The lyrics sounds like something that would work in a folk/americana genre. Anyway, I'm looking forward to hearing how the song unfolds.

[Kotch]

I can see how you might be a little dissatisfied with this one. There's some strong imagery in there, which is good. But it doesn't quite come together as a coherent whole.

I think the chief problem here is the mismatch between the chorus and two verses. In the first verse, it seems like you're talking about leaving a woman. In the second, you're wishing a hurrican will pay a visit to some decadent people. In the chorus, you talk about leaving a town.

If you want to revisit this and tighten it up, I'd say just talk about one of those things. Or maybe you can find a way to link those three ideas together more strongly, so there's a bit more of a narrative. That's my two cents worth.