Time To Stop

[Kotch]

I don't often do acoustic songs. The trio of drums, bass, and guitar is usually at the heart of everything I write. But for this one, I decided to make an exception and do the whole singer/songwriter thing, with just me singing and playing an acoustic guitar. And then, because I'm chicken, I added some percussion afterwards.

 

https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/113223261/5090-2013/K036_TimeToStop.mp3

 

This city's so expensive

That we work just like dogs all day

To make ends meet

There's no time for anything but work

But when we get the time

We only sleep

But it's time to stop

Time to slow down

And well past time 

To put our feet back on the ground

I feel I have to rush

Though I'm not going anywhere

I feel is worth that much

And I don't get to see you

Cos you're spending every

Waking hour out at work

I'd take the time to see you

But you and I both know

We're too tied down

You'd think this place was rich enough

To spend a day or two

Out of town

[Chicken Monkey]

I think it's always great to take a step outside your comfort zone.  I'm on the fence about the extra-long second and fourth lines of the verses--it's a little awkward, but it's also unexpected and attention-getting.  You could maybe clean that up a bit.  There are a few glaring cliches ("work like dogs" right off) that water down your lyric.  I think the melody is cool, or at least a good fit for your voice--it's got that 80s pop feel to it--Tears for Fears type thing.

[LCK]

 

---

Chicken Monkey wrote:

 

 

There are a few glaring cliches ("work like dogs" right off) that water down your lyric.  I think the melody is cool, or at least a good fit for your voice--it's got that 80s pop feel to it--Tears for Fears type thing.

---

 

Very nice tune, guitar work, and vocal.

I like this a lot, but I think the lyric needs a more visceral, atmospheric approach. I find it to be a bit too generalized. Phrases like "the city's so expensive," "work like dogs to make ends meet," and "no time for anything but work," "when we get the time we only sleep," and "spending every waking hour at work" are just throwing the same general ideas at the wall to see which of the variations you've come up with might stick.

If I were you I'd think about replacing some of these generalities with specifics.

[rhino55]

 

Lyrically I was with you until "to put our feet back on the ground." There is no other mention of not being on the ground so it has no context. If that line is integral to what you are trying to say you should explain why in the verses.

 

I'm with LCK on using some more specifics. When I first started hanging out here people would tell me I was telling and not showing, it pissed me off, because I didn't really understand it, but I got better about being specific and my songs are better for it. I think you have that going on here.

 

As an example:

 

This city's so expensive

That we have to work just like dogs all day

 

vs

 

5.50 for a cup of coffee

Why've we stayed in this city so long

 

By showing (using specifics) and not telling the listener will get the meaning in a much more tangible way.

[Lee Knight]

---

rhino55 wrote:

 

 

This city's so expensive

That we have to work just like dogs all day

 

vs

 

5.50 for a cup of coffee

Why've we stayed in this city so long

 

By showing (using specifics) and not telling the listener will get the meaning in a much more tangible way.

---

 

 

What a great example ^^^ of the show don't tell. Nice.

[Kotch]

Yeah, okay.

I guess the problem here is that I worked from a title someone else suggested. And that meant I didn't really feel it, or dig down into the subject matter as much as I possibly should have. It ended up being one where I concentrated on the music more than the lyrics.

 

[Lee Knight]

Yeah, but the fix is fun! Take every cliche and make the same point with different words. I have to do it with every thing I write. But you end up with something that was good but is now fresh.