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  • Time To Stop

    I don't often do acoustic songs. The trio of drums, bass, and guitar is usually at the heart of everything I write. But for this one, I decided to make an exception and do the whole singer/songwriter thing, with just me singing and playing an acoustic guitar. And then, because I'm chicken, I added some percussion afterwards.

     

    https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/113223261/5090-2013/K036_TimeToStop.mp3

     

    This city's so expensive
    That we work just like dogs all day
    To make ends meet
    There's no time for anything but work
    But when we get the time
    We only sleep

    But it's time to stop
    Time to slow down
    And well past time 
    To put our feet back on the ground

    I feel I have to rush
    Though I'm not going anywhere
    I feel is worth that much
    And I don't get to see you
    Cos you're spending every
    Waking hour out at work

    I'd take the time to see you
    But you and I both know
    We're too tied down
    You'd think this place was rich enough
    To spend a day or two
    Out of town


  • #2

    I think it's always great to take a step outside your comfort zone.  I'm on the fence about the extra-long second and fourth lines of the verses--it's a little awkward, but it's also unexpected and attention-getting.  You could maybe clean that up a bit.  There are a few glaring cliches ("work like dogs" right off) that water down your lyric.  I think the melody is cool, or at least a good fit for your voice--it's got that 80s pop feel to it--Tears for Fears type thing.

    Jukejoint Handmedowns (my band)

    Find our album on iTunes!

    A Month of Songs (Songwriting blog)







    Originally Posted by gennation


    Neither of us is gay or anything, it just happened.

    Comment


    • LCK
      LCK commented
      Editing a comment

      Chicken Monkey wrote:

      There are a few glaring cliches ("work like dogs" right off) that water down your lyric.  I think the melody is cool, or at least a good fit for your voice--it's got that 80s pop feel to it--Tears for Fears type thing.


      Very nice tune, guitar work, and vocal.

      I like this a lot, but I think the lyric needs a more visceral, atmospheric approach. I find it to be a bit too generalized. Phrases like "the city's so expensive," "work like dogs to make ends meet," and "no time for anything but work," "when we get the time we only sleep," and "spending every waking hour at work" are just throwing the same general ideas at the wall to see which of the variations you've come up with might stick.

      If I were you I'd think about replacing some of these generalities with specifics.


  • #3

    Lyrically I was with you until "to put our feet back on the ground." There is no other mention of not being on the ground so it has no context. If that line is integral to what you are trying to say you should explain why in the verses.

    I'm with LCK on using some more specifics. When I first started hanging out here people would tell me I was telling and not showing, it pissed me off, because I didn't really understand it, but I got better about being specific and my songs are better for it. I think you have that going on here.

    As an example:

    This city's so expensive
    That we have to work just like dogs all day

    vs

    5.50 for a cup of coffee
    Why've we stayed in this city so long

    By showing (using specifics) and not telling the listener will get the meaning in a much more tangible way.

    ...

    Comment


    • Lee Knight
      Lee Knight commented
      Editing a comment

      rhino55 wrote:


      This city's so expensive
      That we have to work just like dogs all day

      vs

      5.50 for a cup of coffee
      Why've we stayed in this city so long

      By showing (using specifics) and not telling the listener will get the meaning in a much more tangible way.





      What a great example ^^^ of the show don't tell. Nice.


    • Kotch
      Kotch commented
      Editing a comment

      Yeah, okay.

      I guess the problem here is that I worked from a title someone else suggested. And that meant I didn't really feel it, or dig down into the subject matter as much as I possibly should have. It ended up being one where I concentrated on the music more than the lyrics.

       


  • #4
    Yeah, but the fix is fun! Take every cliche and make the same point with different words. I have to do it with every thing I write. But you end up with something that was good but is now fresh.
    __________
    Ain't no sacrilege to call Elvis king
    Dad is great and all but he never could sing -
    Jesus

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