Members LCK Posted October 12, 2013 Members Share Posted October 12, 2013 "Kristin"D?7 A7sus4 A7 D?7 A7sus4 A7The mem Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted October 12, 2013 Members Share Posted October 12, 2013 Lovely.I'd like to know what she did/does to *you*...so maybe after every 4 lines of pretty, soaring metaphor you tie it to reality. You don't sound invested here.For example...wondrous things are Kristinshe Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted October 12, 2013 Author Members Share Posted October 12, 2013 mbfrancis wrote: Lovely.I'd like to know what she did/does to *you*...so maybe after every 4 lines of pretty, soaring metaphor you tie it to reality. You don't sound invested here.For example...wondrous things are Kristinshe Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 14, 2013 Moderators Share Posted October 14, 2013 LCK wrote: "Kristin"D?7 A7sus4 A7 D?7 A7sus4 A7The mem Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted October 14, 2013 Author Members Share Posted October 14, 2013 Lee Knight wrote: It's great. Really nice. A couple of observations. Beside just restating how nice it is. It's really nice. The repeated rhyme using the Oh sound in your verse. It's great. But... your emphasis on SNOW, and I don't mean in performance though it's there too, but in melody both pitch and rhythm, it feels like, "Yes, already, we hear the rhyme. Got it!" like a distant star softly glows. B-7 E7 E6 E7 She Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted October 14, 2013 Members Share Posted October 14, 2013 There is a lot of great imagery here. Lyrically, I think your opening couplet falls a little flat compared to the rest of what you have. I assume that the memory is a simile and then you switch to metaphors describing her on purpose. I think the metaphors are much stronger. This probably wouldn't work because you already have an established melody but imagine this as an opening line: She's the kiss of December snowflakesthe mystery of where summer goes I also think "I couldn't make her stay" is awkward. The rest is present tense and then it switches to past tense. "I can't make her stay" or "she never stays" would make more sense. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted October 14, 2013 Members Share Posted October 14, 2013 rhino55 wrote: There is a lot of great imagery here. Lyrically, I think your opening couplet falls a little flat compared to the rest of what you have. I assume that the memory is a simile and then you switch to metaphors describing her on purpose. I think the metaphors are much stronger. This probably wouldn't work because you already have an established melody but imagine this as an opening line: She's the kiss of December snowflakes the mystery of where summer goes I also think "I couldn't make her stay" is awkward. The rest is present tense and then it switches to past tense. "I can't make her stay" or "she never stays" would make more sense. I disagree. He is recalling her in the present tense and lamenting her prior absence. Twisting that final sentence makes her loss more immediate, which isn't what the song is about. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted October 14, 2013 Author Members Share Posted October 14, 2013 rhino55 wrote: There is a lot of great imagery here. Lyrically, I think your opening couplet falls a little flat compared to the rest of what you have. I assume that the memory is a simile and then you switch to metaphors describing her on purpose. I think the metaphors are much stronger. What you're saying has a lot of merit because I've been vacillating between this "newer" lyric and the original. I needed to start with memory because I wanted the internal rhyme b/w Kristin and distant.I think I'm going to go back to the original opening, which was simpler. 1.Kristin, lovely Kristinis the whispering rain on a rose.She Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 16, 2013 Moderators Share Posted October 16, 2013 Or not, because I don't always hear these things till much later in the game. If it's not "troublesome" for you as well, you might be better off following your original direction. I really don't know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted October 16, 2013 Author Members Share Posted October 16, 2013 Lee Knight wrote: Or not, because I don't always hear these things till much later in the game. If it's not "troublesome" for you as well, you might be better off following your original direction. I really don't know. I think you may be detecting an absence of natural flow in the 2nd section. I don't know. I'll have to sit with it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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