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"Kristin" -- new (2nd) demo (10/15/13)

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  • "Kristin" -- new (2nd) demo (10/15/13)

     

    "Kristin"

    D?7 A7sus4 A7         D?7 A7sus4 A7
    The mem

    “Good Vibrations” was probably a good record but who's to know? You had to play it about 90 bloody times to even hear what they were singing about. What’s next? Rock opera? —Pete Townshend, Melody Maker Interview, 1966.

  • #2

    Lovely.

    I'd like to know what she did/does to *you*...so maybe after every 4 lines of pretty, soaring metaphor you tie it to reality.  You don't sound invested here.

    For example...

    wondrous things are Kristin
    she

    Comment


    • LCK
      LCK commented
      Editing a comment

      mbfrancis wrote:

      Lovely.

      I'd like to know what she did/does to *you*...so maybe after every 4 lines of pretty, soaring metaphor you tie it to reality.  You don't sound invested here.

      For example...

      wondrous things are Kristin
      she


  • #3

    LCK wrote:

     


    "Kristin"


    D?7 A7sus4 A7         D?7 A7sus4 A7
    The mem

    __________
    Ain't no sacrilege to call Elvis king
    Dad is great and all but he never could sing -
    Jesus

    Comment


    • LCK
      LCK commented
      Editing a comment

      Lee Knight wrote:

      It's great. Really nice. A couple of observations. Beside just restating how nice it is. It's really nice. The repeated rhyme using the Oh sound in your verse. It's great. But... your emphasis on SNOW, and I don't mean in performance though it's there too, but in melody both pitch and rhythm, it feels like, "Yes, already, we hear the rhyme. Got it!"

      like a distant star softly glows.
                      B-7         E7         E6     E7
      She


  • #4
    There is a lot of great imagery here. Lyrically, I think your opening couplet falls a little flat compared to the rest of what you have.

    I assume that the memory is a simile and then you switch to metaphors describing her on purpose. I think the metaphors are much stronger.

    This probably wouldn't work because you already have an established melody but imagine this as an opening line:

    She's the kiss of December snowflakes
    the mystery of where summer goes

    I also think "I couldn't make her stay" is awkward. The rest is present tense and then it switches to past tense. "I can't make her stay" or "she never stays" would make more sense.
    ...

    Comment


    • Oswlek
      Oswlek commented
      Editing a comment

      rhino55 wrote:
      There is a lot of great imagery here. Lyrically, I think your opening couplet falls a little flat compared to the rest of what you have.

      I assume that the memory is a simile and then you switch to metaphors describing her on purpose. I think the metaphors are much stronger.

      This probably wouldn't work because you already have an established melody but imagine this as an opening line:

      She's the kiss of December snowflakes
      the mystery of where summer goes

      I also think "I couldn't make her stay" is awkward. The rest is present tense and then it switches to past tense. "I can't make her stay" or "she never stays" would make more sense.

      I disagree.  He is recalling her in the present tense and lamenting her prior absence.  Twisting that final sentence makes her loss more immediate, which isn't what the song is about. 


    • LCK
      LCK commented
      Editing a comment

      rhino55 wrote:
      There is a lot of great imagery here. Lyrically, I think your opening couplet falls a little flat compared to the rest of what you have.

      I assume that the memory is a simile and then you switch to metaphors describing her on purpose. I think the metaphors are much stronger.

      What you're saying has a lot of merit because I've been vacillating between this "newer" lyric and the original. I needed to start with memory because I wanted the internal rhyme b/w Kristin and distant.

      I think I'm going to go back to the original opening, which was simpler.

       

      1.
      Kristin, lovely Kristin
      is the whispering rain on a rose.
      She


  • #5
    Or not, because I don't always hear these things till much later in the game. If it's not "troublesome" for you as well, you might be better off following your original direction. I really don't know.
    __________
    Ain't no sacrilege to call Elvis king
    Dad is great and all but he never could sing -
    Jesus

    Comment


    • LCK
      LCK commented
      Editing a comment

      Lee Knight wrote:
      Or not, because I don't always hear these things till much later in the game. If it's not "troublesome" for you as well, you might be better off following your original direction. I really don't know.

      I think you may be detecting an absence of natural flow in the 2nd section. I don't know. I'll have to sit with it...













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