OC Fair (first submission)

[mbfrancis]

OK, some of you are incredibly sharp lyricists, so I'd love some feedback on this, I've been living with it a while...like almost 10 years, and just finished a final polish.  The structure is odd - verse verse chorus bridge verse chorus - but works in context of music.  It's the subject and imagery and the overall coherence I may have lost perspective on.  Any help appreciated.  Here's a rough piano demo.

Thanks! 

 

"OC Fair"

 

So

[oldgitplayer]

I think you are right about there being a problem with coherence. Generally I found myself unable to join the dots and comprehend what the song is really about.

However the following part is absolutely clear musically and lyrically - it stands out from the rest of the song with clarity and strength.

I

[blue2blue]

The song has a charming melody and sound, your rhyme scheme helps tie it together nicely and give the words a nice sound and vibe, a light, classic show tune feel. But the words themselves seem  a bit forced or rhyme-led. It sounds like you had the idea for the song and the vibe and captured that overall vibe nicely; but one gets the feeling that maybe you stopped searching for more coherent, meaningful lyrics a little too soon. In places it seems like you 'settled' for images and circumstances that seem more than a bit off-the-top, as though they were the first thoughts that crossed your mind when rolling the song subject around in your head.

I think the song, overall, has terrific potential. Once the words are up to the level of the music, melody and vibe, I think you'll have a winner.

 

Full disclosure: I grew up in OC, CA,  and currently live less than a mile away from the county line in Long Beach, but, as far as I can remember, I've never been to the OC Fair. I saw some of my first real rock shows on the fairgrounds, when to my first rock festival there (Newport '68), and went to other fairs in the county, Strawberry Festival, (City of) Orange Fair (or whatever it was called), and even LA Co's County Fair in Pomona. But, far as I remember...   

[LCK]

 

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mbfrancis wrote:

 

OK, some of you are incredibly sharp lyricists, so I'd love some feedback on this, I've been living with it a while...like almost 10 years, and just finished a final polish.  The structure is odd -

verse verse chorus bridge verse chorus - 

but works in context of music.  It's the subject and imagery and the overall coherence I may have lost perspective on.  Any help appreciated.  H

ere's a rough 

piano demo

.

Thanks! 

 

"OC Fair"

 

So

[rhino55]

cool lyric.  Hope this helps.

 

 

"OC Fair"

 

So

[Oswlek]

 

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mbfrancis wrote:

 

OK, some of you are incredibly sharp lyricists, so I'd love some feedback on this, I've been living with it a while...like almost 10 years, and just finished a final polish.  The structure is odd -

verse verse chorus bridge verse chorus - 

but works in context of music.  It's the subject and imagery and the overall coherence I may have lost perspective on.  Any help appreciated.  H

ere's a rough 

piano demo

.

Thanks! 

 

"OC Fair"

 

So

[LeonardScaper]

Listening right now. This really is a great tune as is......lots of cool changes.

Lots of good advise above for fine tuning lyrics and such.......I'm just enjoying the listen.

[saturn1]

 

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mbfrancis wrote:

 

OK, some of you are incredibly sharp lyricists, so I'd love some feedback on this, I've been living with it a while...like almost 10 years, and just finished a final polish.  The structure is odd -

verse verse chorus bridge verse chorus - 

but works in context of music.  It's the subject and imagery and the overall coherence I may have lost perspective on.  Any help appreciated.  H

ere's a rough 

piano demo

.

Thanks! 

 

"OC Fair"

 

So

[mbfrancis]

 

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blue2blue wrote:

 

 

...But the words themselves seem  a bit forced or rhyme-led. It sounds like you had the idea for the song and the vibe and captured that overall vibe nicely; but one gets the feeling that maybe you stopped searching for more coherent, meaningful lyrics a little too soon. In places it seems like you 'settled' for images and circumstances that seem more than a bit off-the-top, as though they were the first thoughts that crossed your mind when rolling the song subject around in your head.

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Yeah, this is what I'm afraid of - I think I've maybe let the boppy music and rhyme scheme cover up some coherence issues.

In my mind (ha) the song is reasonably coherent: female singer, whose relationship to an alcoholic/addict/whatever has made her neurotic, so that she's not entirely sympathetic (paranoid about his safety, thinks she's blameless and "pure" although she is a party to the whole thing).  In the opening he's leaving, already drunk, she's terrified for him.  In the bridge, she relates a recent relapse (not at the fair) that he revealed to her nonchalantly ("without breaking a sweat"), breaking her heart.  Last verse she imagines his drunk but contrite return, holding herself blameless in the situation, so "pure" she can't stand it.    

Specifically, the lines about funnel cake and scrubbing your face are figurative - in the first I like the idea that he indulges so much (of everything) and he becomes "more" (literally) than she can endure.  In the second, scrubbing his face is an act of contrition, but he can never be as pure as she. 

So...any ideas for a) better aligning the words to the sketch above or b) altering the sketch to make it resonate better (a more sympathetic narrator maybe?) would be appreciated.  I can live with *some* murk in the story, but it should all cohere, and should *resonate*, and not just "sound" cool/scan. The fact that it takes so much explanation is probably not a good sign, ha.

Thanks again for all the fantastic comments.  

 

[rickidoo]

mb - any chance of getting some preliminary music posted here? Would love to hear how this will work in an actual tune.

[mbfrancis]

 

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rickidoo wrote:

 

 

mb - any chance of getting some preliminary music posted here? Would love to hear how this will work in an actual tune.

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Piano demo:

Here's a DB download

Here's a SC link