Members rickidoo Posted September 22, 2013 Members Share Posted September 22, 2013 For what its worth.. I tried to write a story song. Wanting to be Seen©2013 Rick DieffenbachSallie was a girl of 17Left her home to pursue the dreamA simple downhome Georgia girlIn old blue jeans and curls Thumbing rides to TennesseeNashville was her destinyOld bald drivers with wanton eyesTelling her their lies ================================ChorusCause In her mind she sees herselfCenter stage with no one elseSinging songs that she has doneRocken her list of number 1s============================= Wait'en on tables for her big breakPlay'en open mikes that she could makeNever 'been a beauty queenWanting to be seen Late one night as Sallie playedA talent scout gave her a gradeShe would never find her fameShe looked way far too plain CHORUS (INSTRUMENTAL - NOT INCLUDED IN THIS VERSION) Sallie's in her 20's nowDancing as she twirls aroundHums along as old men stareTransfixed by her body and her hair CHORUS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted September 22, 2013 Members Share Posted September 22, 2013 You have been doing some very interesting stuff, Rick....this is really quite good. Your instrumentation and arrangement skills have turned a serious corner.Check out those piano hits at the beginning......if you could cut them up and nudge them a bit for timing it would move nicely. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted September 23, 2013 Members Share Posted September 23, 2013 Story is good, but I feel like it's missing a little something to make it pop. Why is it important that now that shes in her 20s old men are transfixed? What caused the change and why does it matter? I've enjoyed watching your lyrical output improve as much as it has since you've been hanging out here. You're doing a good job of showing us what's happening. On this one I think the wording gets awkward at times. For example, if you and I were having a conversation about Sallie, you probably wouldn't say "Sallie was a girl of 17." You'd most likely say "When Sallie was 17." "Rocken her list of number 1s" feels the same way to me. I think a more conversational lyric makes for a more natural lyric. Sometimes it works well, so feel free to disregard, that's just something I personally strive for. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted September 23, 2013 Members Share Posted September 23, 2013 rickidoo wrote: For what its worth.. I tried to write a story song. LCK: Nice first attempt, though there are a few problems with your storytelling. So, please don't take offense, but as a "teaching" exercise, I'm going to deconstruct a few verses and show where and how they're lacking in the right zing and whatnot on the creative -lyric writing (or ordinary conversation) scale.Sallie was a girl of 17 Sally is a girl's name, so it's not necessary to say that she "was a girl." You want to give her age, of course, to show the changes that take place at the end, when her dreams fall through. Probably something like "Sally had just turned 17..." might work better. It tells us everything we need to know (at this point at least), but it has a forward thrust to it that "was a girl of 17" doesn't.Left her home to pursue the dream "Left her home" doesn't do much for the listener. Why did she leave home? Oh, yeah to pursue a dream (not the dream). So maybe "Sally had just turned 17 when she left town to find a dream..."A simple downhome Georgia girl Simple and downhome are really two ways of saying the same thing. They're also words that, more often that not, tend to put listeners to sleep. Also, you're telling us for the second (actually third) time that Sally is a girl. What else is she besides a girl? There are lots of possibilities here that are being overlooked. Maybe she's an "awkward, homegrown Georgia peach..." Maybe she's shy and skinny. Give us concrete images that paint real pictures of who this girl is.In old blue jeans and curls I know this feels like you're painting a picture of Sally for us, but a) both blue jeans and curls are more than a bit cliche (old blue jeans less so than curls), and b) the two things are mismatched: blue jeans are articles of clothing while curls tell us what her hair is like. So while she might be in old blue jeans, she can't rightly be said to be in curls, ya get me? Also, I suspect that if you weren't telling us, for the third time, that Sally was a girl -- and hadn't ended the preceding line with the word "girl" -- you probably wouldn't be telling us that she had her hair in curls. You'd have used a different word because it wouldn't have to rhyme (sort of) with girl. Thumbing rides to Tennessee Again you're repeating yourself. Thumbing (or hitching) involves getting rides from strangers. So you don't need to say she's "thumbing rides." Since she's from Georgia you could say she's "thumbing north," or that she "thumbs her way to Tennessee."Nashville was her destiny That's a bit corny, but since it's probably an accurate reflection of how Sally feels about Nashville, it's not that bad. It's not great. It's mostly there to rhyme with Tennessee, and to tell us that she has a dream of becoming a country music star. There are a lot of other ways to do that.Old bald drivers with wanton eyes You don't need to tell us these guys are old and bald. That feels really awkward. Just "Balding drivers..." might work, though I suspect that not all the drivers who picked her up were going bald. Meanwhile, wanton eyes does not work at all. If this were an 17th Century ballad "wanton" might be acceptable, or even de rigeur. But in this song it sticks out like a sore thumb. Also, while I know you want to say something about the shift that's taking poor Sally from a sweet, innocent gawky but pretty-in-her-own-way Georgia-peach-with-a-dream to the stripper she becomes at the end of the song, you're overdoing it. Not all men who pick up hitchhikers are bald or have wanton eyes.Telling her their lies Who cares if they're telling her lies? You're veering away from a song lyric to the kind of audio/visual presentation we used to get in junior high, telling us about the dangers of hitchhiking. Why not tell the truth: some of the drivers were probably nice, and maybe some had "grubby paws" and "wrong ideas." So this:Sallie was a girl of 17Left her home to pursue the dreamA simple downhome Georgia girlIn old blue jeans and curls Thumbing rides to TennesseeNashville was her destinyOld bald drivers with wanton eyesTelling her their lies ================================ChorusCause In her mind she sees herselfCenter stage with no one elseSinging songs that she has doneRocken her list of number 1s============================= might become something like this: Sally had just turned seventeen.Her mom was soft, her dad was mean.With her guitar and a dollar billshe left the dust of Taylorsville.The Opry was her destinyso she thumbed north to Tennessee.Some who stopped were decent guysothers stripped her with their eyes.=============================But in her mind it'll be all right,with her guitar and songs to write.Center stage, she'll feel the thrillshe won't go back to Taylorsville.============================= Or not... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rickidoo Posted September 24, 2013 Author Members Share Posted September 24, 2013 Here is an email I just sent LCK.==================================================Hi Lee,Because of the %$%$T software the board is using, I have to reset my password every time I log into the site. What a friggen mess. So wanted to drop you an email anyways.What you did on my lyrics as fantastic. Blew me away. On a lyrical writing scale of 0 to 10, I have fought and clawed my way from a 0.2 to a 1 or 2, and you showed me (with probably 10 mins of work on your part) what a 7 or 8 looks like. Honestly, I know I will keep improving but I think I will not live long enough to make it to a 7 or 8. I so desperately need a lyrical partner who is the yin to my yang.But at any rate, I wanted to thank you for doing that, and taking the time to educate me to boot. Bless you, Rick======================================================== Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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