Members likeimglowinginthedark Posted October 13, 2013 Members Share Posted October 13, 2013 I really scared you away And I'm so sorry nowadays I know you won't hear me anyway But I got things I need to say I was unintentionally being a jerk And what I did wasn't gonna work You won't let me in 'cause I blew it But I'm gonna help you in spirit Though you'll probably hate me forever I don't think I should be bitter I still wish you the best Happiness and nothing less It was the fault of my stupidity That made me forget your safety Still, I wish you the best Happiness and nothing less I shoulda been more low-key The things I did were stupid If you were me, you'd have scared me And that's what I'm sorry This world is extremely scary And you reacted accordingly I'm sorry that I made you Feel torn apart Though you'll probably hate me forever I don't think I should be bitter I still wish you the best Happiness and nothing less It was the fault of my stupidity That made me forget your safety Still, I wish you the best Happiness and nothing less Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted October 13, 2013 Members Share Posted October 13, 2013 likeimglowinginthedark wrote: I really scared you away And I'm so sorry nowadays I know you won't hear me anyway But I got things I need to say I was unintentionally being a jerk And what I did wasn't gonna work You won't let me in 'cause I blew it But I'm gonna help you in spirit Though you'll probably hate me forever I don't think I should be bitter I still wish you the best Happiness and nothing less It was the fault of my stupidity That made me forget your safety Still, I wish you the best Happiness and nothing less I shoulda been more low-key The things I did were stupid If you were me, you'd have scared me And that's what I'm sorry This world is extremely scary And you reacted accordingly I'm sorry that I made you Feel torn apart Though you'll probably hate me forever I don't think I should be bitter I still wish you the best Happiness and nothing less It was the fault of my stupidity That made me forget your safety Still, I wish you the best Happiness and nothing less There are some good ideas here. I think the lines "I wish you the best ... happiness and nothing less" are quite good, and are the key components. Some of the lines, though, sound a bit stilted and artificial, meaning they don't necessarily sound like the way you'd actually talk to someone.But you have a good premise, and a good lyrical hook. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted October 13, 2013 Members Share Posted October 13, 2013 I agree there are a couple of good lines here.My challenge is that you are doing a lot of telling, very little showing. You say over and over that you messed up, that you don't deserve the other person, that you're sorry, etc., without examples or proof - e.g., it might be more powerful to tell us *what* you did that was so stupid vs. saying "I was stupid," if that makes sense. How did you comprimise the other person's "safety"...that would be more interesting than what's here, which is all super general, and - as LCK notes - somewhat artificial.Hope this helps. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Chicken Monkey Posted October 13, 2013 Members Share Posted October 13, 2013 I'll second LCK. This sounds genuine as far as the feelings behind it, but several of the lines are in "poem-ese". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members likeimglowinginthedark Posted October 14, 2013 Author Members Share Posted October 14, 2013 edited Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members likeimglowinginthedark Posted October 14, 2013 Author Members Share Posted October 14, 2013 an edit I made to my lyrics: *that's why I'm sorry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted October 14, 2013 Members Share Posted October 14, 2013 This sounds really personal. I'm sure whoever it was written to will get it, but to someone that doesn't know the story, it's kind of a tease. I'll +1 what francis said. I'd be much more invested in the story if I knew what it was. These lines are the ones where I think getting into more specifics would really help: And what I did wasn't gonna work The things I did were stupid And you reacted accordingly . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Marshal Posted October 18, 2013 Members Share Posted October 18, 2013 The things I did were stupid. . . . , What things? You describe some nice emotions. You call out regret and remorse. You even take the high-road and say you're want what's best for the other person. But you don't actually say anything about what really happened. You're going back over the same territory without ever getting in deeper to the story. Now that's just my opinion. (I never pretend to know that much). But for my taste i'd like some juicy detail to make it real for me the listener. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rickidoo Posted October 18, 2013 Members Share Posted October 18, 2013 Lots to work with here I think.The verses, as I think Marshall pointed out, are telling the story. In my mind, its like a documentary camera following someone around, recording what they are saying.WHat I think it needs, is to rewrite the choruses in such a way that they contrast quite a bit from the verses. Using the same documentary camera metaphor, think of it like this... the verses are the the whole body shots and occasional closeups. But the chorus is where they camera zooms in extremely close so we can feel the emotions of the person... we can experience the tears... the guilt... the regret... the longing... . The chorus must be written in such a way as to bring us close to those emotions. And for that to happen, the words need paint an image of the emotions. Do that, I feel, and then when one hops back into the verses, they will be more impactful.I am sorry if I can not provide specific examples. Maybe someone else can. I can only write about the emotions and feelings I think the chorus needs to do.. not quite so literally.Best, Richard Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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