Jump to content

Could you please criticize and interpret my lyrics? Title: The Best


Recommended Posts

  • Members

 

I really scared you away 

And I'm so sorry nowadays 

I know you won't hear me anyway 

But I got things I need to say 

 

I was unintentionally being a jerk 

And what I did wasn't gonna work 

You won't let me in 'cause I blew it 

But I'm gonna help you in spirit 

 

Though you'll probably hate me forever 

I don't think I should be bitter 

I still wish you the best 

Happiness and nothing less 

 

It was the fault of my stupidity 

That made me forget your safety 

Still, I wish you the best 

Happiness and nothing less 

 

I shoulda been more low-key 

The things I did were stupid 

If you were me, you'd have scared me 

And that's what I'm sorry 

 

This world is extremely scary 

And you reacted accordingly 

I'm sorry that I made you 

Feel torn apart 

 

Though you'll probably hate me forever 

I don't think I should be bitter 

I still wish you the best 

Happiness and nothing less 

 

It was the fault of my stupidity 

That made me forget your safety 

Still, I wish you the best 

Happiness and nothing less

 

 
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

 


likeimglowinginthedark wrote:

 

 
I really scared you away 

 

And I'm so sorry nowadays 

 

I know you won't hear me anyway 

 

But I got things I need to say 

 

 

 

I was unintentionally being a jerk 

 

And what I did wasn't gonna work 

 

You won't let me in 'cause I blew it 

 

But I'm gonna help you in spirit 

 

 

 

Though you'll probably hate me forever 

 

I don't think I should be bitter 

 

I still wish you the best 

 

Happiness and nothing less 

 

 

 

It was the fault of my stupidity 

 

That made me forget your safety 

 

Still, I wish you the best 

 

Happiness and nothing less 

 

 

 

I shoulda been more low-key 

 

The things I did were stupid 

 

If you were me, you'd have scared me 

 

And that's what I'm sorry 

 

 

 

This world is extremely scary 

 

And you reacted accordingly 

 

I'm sorry that I made you 

 

Feel torn apart 

 

 

 

Though you'll probably hate me forever 

 

I don't think I should be bitter 

 

I still wish you the best 

 

Happiness and nothing less 

 

 

 

It was the fault of my stupidity 

 

That made me forget your safety 

 

Still, I wish you the best 

 

Happiness and nothing less

 

 
 

 

There are some good ideas here. I think the lines "I wish you the best ... happiness and nothing less" are quite good, and are the key components. Some of the lines, though, sound a bit stilted and artificial, meaning they don't necessarily sound like the way you'd actually talk to someone.

But you have a good premise, and a good lyrical hook.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I agree there are a couple of good lines here.

My challenge is that you are doing a lot of telling, very little showing.  You say over and over that you messed up, that you don't deserve the other person, that you're sorry, etc., without examples or proof - e.g., it might be more powerful to tell us *what* you did that was so stupid vs. saying "I was stupid," if that makes sense.  How did you comprimise the other person's "safety"...that would be more interesting than what's here, which is all super general, and - as LCK notes - somewhat artificial.

Hope this helps.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

This sounds really personal. I'm sure whoever it was written to will get it, but to someone that doesn't know the story, it's kind of a tease.

 

I'll +1 what francis said.

 

I'd be much more invested in the story if I knew what it was. These lines are the ones where I think getting into more specifics would really help:

 

And what I did wasn't gonna work

 

The things I did were stupid

 

And you reacted accordingly

 

.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

The things I did were stupid. . . . , What things? 

You describe some nice emotions. You call out regret and remorse. You even take the high-road and say you're want what's best for the other person. But you don't actually say anything about what really happened. You're going back over the same territory without ever getting in deeper to the story. 

 

Now that's just my opinion. (I never pretend to know that much). But for my taste i'd like some juicy detail to make it real for me the listener. 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

 

Lots to work with here I think.

The verses, as I think Marshall pointed out, are telling the story. In my mind, its like a documentary camera following someone around, recording what they are saying.

WHat I think it needs, is to rewrite the choruses in such a way that they contrast quite a bit from the verses. Using the same documentary camera metaphor, think of it like this... the verses are the the whole body shots and occasional closeups. But the chorus is where they camera zooms in extremely close so we can feel the emotions of the person... we can experience the tears... the guilt... the regret... the longing... . The chorus must be written in such a way as to bring us close to those emotions.  And for that to happen, the words need paint an image of the emotions.

 

Do that, I feel, and then when one hops back into the verses, they will be more impactful.

I am sorry if I can not provide specific examples. Maybe someone else can. I can only write about the  emotions and feelings I think the chorus needs to do.. not quite so literally.

Best,

 

Richard

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...