Members rickidoo Posted September 28, 2013 Members Share Posted September 28, 2013 This is a first demo - pitch issues,bass mistake issues, etc etc....Anywhere on target or toss out?BTW, the idea for this when a guy drove up to me to look at something I was selling. He got out of his very hot very expensive red sports car.He introduced himself as a preacher.I'm sure he is a sincere guy, but it gave me the idea for this song.Hypocrites©2013 Rick DieffenbachThe preacher in his sports carSo bright and shiny red0 to 60 in under 3its heaven sentHe says The pundits on the TVTelling what will sellAnd if the tide ever turns awayThey'll change their mind as well CHORUS:HypocritesAll aroundEach a clownWearing a false faceTrying not to leave a traceOf who they really areHypocrites BRIDGE (not written) The politician speaks outdecries moral decayHiring women to feed him pleasureSometimesUnderage Sometimes I have to wonderSometimes I have to prayAm I among the hypocritesI meetmost everyday Chorus and end Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted September 29, 2013 Members Share Posted September 29, 2013 rickidoo wrote: This is a first demo - pitch issues,bass mistake issues, etc etc.... Anywhere on target or toss out? BTW, the idea for this when a guy drove up to me to look at something I was selling. He got out of his very hot very expensive red sports car.He introduced himself as a preacher. I'm sure he is a sincere guy, but it gave me the idea for this song.Hypocrites ©2013 Rick DieffenbachThe preacher in his limo, upholstery Spanish calf. "One needs comfort when one speaks," he says, "on God's behalf." Some of this is good, other parts don't quite gel. For instance, I don't think I've ever seen a mega-successful preacher driving a sports car. They usually ride in limos (hence my suggestion above).And as usual, I love the track... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted October 1, 2013 Members Share Posted October 1, 2013 This is great.LCK is right, they usually don't drive sports cars.I think the last verse (Sometimes I have to wonder) should maybe the bridge, where you break out of the tone and look in the mirror. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted October 2, 2013 Members Share Posted October 2, 2013 Listened twice and this isn't hitting home for me for reasons I can't put my finger on at the moment. I'll trying listening some more and trying to give useable feedback. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted October 2, 2013 Members Share Posted October 2, 2013 rickidoo wrote: This is a first demo - pitch issues,bass mistake issues, etc etc.... Anywhere on target or toss out? BTW, the idea for this when a guy drove up to me to look at something I was selling. He got out of his very hot very expensive red sports car.He introduced himself as a preacher. I'm sure he is a sincere guy, but it gave me the idea for this song. Yeah, even though you had this sort of weird, anomalous experience -- which would make a great song of its own -- it still doesn't fit the theme of this particular song IMO.For what it's worth, I still think the preacher in his limo, or the preacher in his Bentley would work better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted October 2, 2013 Members Share Posted October 2, 2013 Just listened to music - I expected this to be *a lot* angrier, something like "Masters of War." The music feels super bouncy, like you're just breezily making observations. This would work if you cynically turned the mirror more definitively on yourself, "oh well, we're all hypocrites," like a Randy Newman thing. But if you're genuinely upset by hypocrisy it might benefit from some teeth in the arrangement and performance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 3, 2013 Moderators Share Posted October 3, 2013 Actually, for me... The issue is the stark word hypocrite. I think you've done a great job of cleaning up the verses, and LCK's input looks to possibly further inform the verses if you go there (I do think he's on to something) but.... Hypocrite. It feels a little like if Paul Simon had said "I'll help you out when you've got an issue" as opposed to "like a bridge over troubled water, I will lay me down". It feels like it needs an interesting way to say hypocrite, Two FacesDouble Sided CoinSunday Lip ServiceHoly PoserWolf in Preacher's ClothingSacred Masquerader Holy BacksliderThe Preacher's New Clothes Something not so on point, but that may be very wrong of me... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted October 3, 2013 Members Share Posted October 3, 2013 Lee Knight wrote: Hypocrite. It feels a little like if Paul Simon had said "I'll help you out when you've got an issue" as opposed to "like a bridge over troubled water, I will lay me down". It feels like it needs an interesting way to say hypocrite, I agree. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rickidoo Posted October 4, 2013 Author Members Share Posted October 4, 2013 As alway the comments on the board cause me to think. Whats the point etc?Version #4 OK, so I remixed the song significantly, I believe the new mix in itself helps with the overall mood of it. And then I added the "hypocrite, hypocrite, hypocrite ... you know who you are" after the 2nd chorus. To me, those three words are the hook and the message.I do intend to do a final vocal record. And onto the next song!!!!! Thank you all for your assist!!!!! It really caused me to think much.Rick Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted October 4, 2013 Members Share Posted October 4, 2013 rickidoo wrote: As alway the comments on the board cause me to think. Whats the point etc?Version #4 OK, so I remixed the song significantly, I believe the new mix in itself helps with the overall mood of it. And then I added the "hypocrite, hypocrite, hypocrite ... you know who you are" after the 2nd chorus. To me, those three words are the hook and the message. I do intend to do a final vocal record. And onto the next song!!!!! Thank you all for your assist!!!!! It really caused me to think much. Rick I think you finally nailed it, Rick. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 4, 2013 Moderators Share Posted October 4, 2013 Wow, Rick! Now you've got a lot of depth in the lyric. Not too much to be confusing and just enough to make it interesting. My only comment might be that you could find an alternative for the word hypocrite in the verses. Kind of like the Beatles with little piggies. And a big or not. Nice, nice work! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.