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  • Hypocrites -Somewhere on target?

    This is a first demo - pitch issues,bass mistake issues, etc etc....

    Anywhere on target or toss out?

    BTW, the idea for this when a guy drove up to me to look at something I was selling. He got out of his very hot very expensive red sports car.He introduced himself as a preacher.

    I'm sure he is a sincere guy, but it gave me the idea for this song.

    Hypocrites
    (c)2013 Rick Dieffenbach

    The preacher in his sports car
    So bright and shiny red
    0 to 60 in under 3
    its heaven sent
    He says

    The pundits on the TV
    Telling what will sell
    And if the tide ever   turns away
    They'll  change their mind as well

    CHORUS:
    Hypocrites
    All around
    Each  a clown
    Wearing a false face
    Trying not to leave a trace
    Of who they really are
    Hypocrites


    BRIDGE (not written)

    The politician speaks out
    decries  moral decay
    Hiring  women to feed him pleasure
    Sometimes
    Underage

    Sometimes I have to wonder
    Sometimes I have to pray
    Am I among the  hypocrites
    I meet
    most everyday

    Chorus and end

     

     

    "Now and then... occasionally... it seems to have.... too many notes"

  • #2

    rickidoo wrote:

    This is a first demo - pitch issues,bass mistake issues, etc etc....

    Anywhere on target or toss out?

    BTW, the idea for this when a guy drove up to me to look at something I was selling. He got out of his very hot very expensive red sports car.He introduced himself as a preacher.

    I'm sure he is a sincere guy, but it gave me the idea for this song.

    Hypocrites
    (c)2013 Rick Dieffenbach

    The preacher in his limo,
    upholstery Spanish calf.
    "One needs comfort when one speaks,"
    he says, "on God's behalf."

    Some of this is good, other parts don't quite gel. For instance, I don't think I've ever seen a mega-successful preacher driving a sports car. They usually ride in limos (hence my suggestion above).

    And as usual, I love the track...

    “I think you make yourself an antenna for songs, and songs want to be around you. And then they bring other songs along, and then they’re all sittin’ around, and they’re drinking your beer, and they’re sleeping on the floor.” —Tom Waits

    Comment


    • mbfrancis
      mbfrancis commented
      Editing a comment

      This is great.

      LCK is right, they usually don't drive sports cars.

      I think the last verse (Sometimes I have to wonder)  should maybe the bridge, where you break out of the tone and look in the mirror.  


  • #3

    Listened twice and this isn't hitting home for me for reasons I can't put my finger on at the moment.  I'll trying listening some more and trying to give useable feedback.

    Don't listen to Justin.
    LCK - 2/21/2012

    Comment


    • #4

      rickidoo wrote:

      This is a first demo - pitch issues,bass mistake issues, etc etc....

      Anywhere on target or toss out?

      BTW, the idea for this when a guy drove up to me to look at something I was selling. He got out of his very hot very expensive red sports car.He introduced himself as a preacher.

      I'm sure he is a sincere guy, but it gave me the idea for this song.


      Yeah, even though you had this sort of weird, anomalous experience -- which would make a great song of its own -- it still doesn't fit the theme of this particular song IMO.

      For what it's worth, I still think the preacher in his limo, or the preacher in his Bentley would work better.

      “I think you make yourself an antenna for songs, and songs want to be around you. And then they bring other songs along, and then they’re all sittin’ around, and they’re drinking your beer, and they’re sleeping on the floor.” —Tom Waits

      Comment


      • mbfrancis
        mbfrancis commented
        Editing a comment

        Just listened to music - I expected this to be *a lot* angrier, something like "Masters of War."  The music feels super bouncy, like you're just breezily making observations.  This would work if you cynically turned the mirror more definitively on yourself, "oh well, we're all hypocrites,"  like a Randy Newman thing.  But if you're genuinely upset by hypocrisy it might benefit from some teeth in the arrangement and performance.


    • #5
      Actually, for me... The issue is the stark word hypocrite. I think you've done a great job of cleaning up the verses, and LCK's input looks to possibly further inform the verses if you go there (I do think he's on to something) but....

      Hypocrite.

      It feels a little like if Paul Simon had said "I'll help you out when you've got an issue" as opposed to "like a bridge over troubled water, I will lay me down".

      It feels like it needs an interesting way to say hypocrite,

      Two Faces
      Double Sided Coin
      Sunday Lip Service
      Holy Poser
      Wolf in Preacher's Clothing
      Sacred Masquerader
      Holy Backslider
      The Preacher's New Clothes

      Something not so on point, but that may be very wrong of me...
      __________
      Your god doesn't exist but my god does and he is all loving. If you disagree with me I'll kill you. - Prince Ea

      Comment


      • LCK
        LCK commented
        Editing a comment

        Lee Knight wrote:

        Hypocrite.

        It feels a little like if Paul Simon had said "I'll help you out when you've got an issue" as opposed to "like a bridge over troubled water, I will lay me down".

        It feels like it needs an interesting way to say hypocrite,


        I agree.


    • #6

      As alway the comments on the board cause me to think. Whats the point etc?

      Version #4


      OK, so I remixed the song significantly, I believe the new mix in itself helps with the overall mood of it. And then I added the "hypocrite, hypocrite, hypocrite ... you know who you are" after the 2nd chorus.  To me, those three words are the hook and the message.

      I do intend to do a final vocal record.


      And onto the next song!!!!!


      Thank you all for your assist!!!!!  It really caused me to think much.

      Rick

      "Now and then... occasionally... it seems to have.... too many notes"

      Comment


      • Oswlek
        Oswlek commented
        Editing a comment

        rickidoo wrote:

        As alway the comments on the board cause me to think. Whats the point etc?

        Version #4


        OK, so I remixed the song significantly, I believe the new mix in itself helps with the overall mood of it. And then I added the "hypocrite, hypocrite, hypocrite ... you know who you are" after the 2nd chorus.  To me, those three words are the hook and the message.

        I do intend to do a final vocal record.


        And onto the next song!!!!!


        Thank you all for your assist!!!!!  It really caused me to think much.

        Rick


        I think you finally nailed it, Rick.


    • #7
      Wow, Rick! Now you've got a lot of depth in the lyric. Not too much to be confusing and just enough to make it interesting. My only comment might be that you could find an alternative for the word hypocrite in the verses.

      Kind of like the Beatles with little piggies.

      And a big or not. Nice, nice work!
      __________
      Your god doesn't exist but my god does and he is all loving. If you disagree with me I'll kill you. - Prince Ea

      Comment



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