Members LeonardScaper Posted September 24, 2013 Members Share Posted September 24, 2013 Scrambled eggsOh baby how I love your legsOK, not that one. But I had the acoustic guitar out last night working up a sound for a riff I liked and while I was listening back to it I leaned into the out front mic and sang a few lyrics. http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12510721I've been staring down the barrel And therein lies the case against me Now that I'm wearing cheap apparel I can finally see That squaring off with the folks around meAin't the way to be Now I'll admit that I write this way often...that is, I get a riff that feels good and just sing something against it. Those first lyrics seldom stick. This set, however, may have potential. I kind of like the complex metaphor that puts the character under pressure in a somewhat transient circumstance with a possible personality disorder.So....I know it's busy around here, but if anybody has any ideas, either lyrically or conceptually that they might like to offer....I'll be spending some time on the musical development while the stew simmers.Regards to all Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted September 24, 2013 Members Share Posted September 24, 2013 I like it. I'd go with it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members nat whilk II Posted September 24, 2013 Members Share Posted September 24, 2013 sounds like a guy in a shotgun wedding wearing a cheap rented tux....which can be a good metaphor for all sorts of situations.... nat whilk ii Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted September 24, 2013 Author Members Share Posted September 24, 2013 I like that....damn!Could make for a good story tune.....seriously good idea.I wonder where else this thing might go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted September 25, 2013 Moderators Share Posted September 25, 2013 It music sounds awesome! The words have a natural flow that use the mid phrase rhymed nicely. But I question if you are going to ultimately be happy with its lack of logic. If you're set on that, well, it does work. But it's not so nonsesical to be playful. Ultimately it doesn't mean anything. And you've already said as much so... You know this. But what if the stuff below DID tie together supporting a narrative thread? I've been staring down the barrelAnd therein lies the case against me Now that I'm wearing cheap apparel I can finally see That squaring off with the folks around meAin't the way to be Therein is not the case against you. but your penance, the shell. Cheap apparel seems an odd gateway to clear, true perception. These leaps of logic would be simple to bridge while keeping what REALLY works about this; the way your rhyme, word choice for sound, and your phrasing all work with your cool music. If those cool images were tied together in a logic that furthered a specific point... it would be pure magic. Or not. It really works fine as is, albeit, with the possible caveats I mentioned. This one is lightning in a bottle. Find where the electricity is in it and don't lose that! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted September 25, 2013 Moderators Share Posted September 25, 2013 Just riffing on possibilities. No keepers, just playing for inspiration. Do you know mystic river? Old friends, but the one with the gun is set to "correct" a SERIOUS misstep involving his daughter. And there's this guy on his knees with a gun to his head, childhood friends, and lots of tears all around. Great book/movie. Anyway, what about a simple fall from grace in the ranks of the edge dwellers? I've been staring down the barrelAnd therein lies the price I'll payOn my knees wearing cheap apparel Flashing on better days Squaring off with these folks around meAin't the way to be Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted September 25, 2013 Author Members Share Posted September 25, 2013 Yeah.....I'm starting really like this one. Played around with it in my head this morning asking myself....what do I want it to mean...where do I want it to go?I don't think I want it to be a specific 'story song'....you know me, I tend to stick with the 'lesson songs'. So I'm thinking that this character is faced with a life decision...something that needs to be decided NOW. Perhaps he has been in this situation before and made the wrong decision...hence the attire and the attitude.I'm thinking that I might be able to keep the specifics of the decision somewhat nebulous to the listener....with lots of metaphor....to enable them to apply the song's meaning to something that they may be going through....or may have gone through.I've been staring down the barrelAnd therein lies the price I might payOn my knees wearing the cheap apparel Of this passing phase Squaring off with life like thisMight not be the wayThanks for the great help with this possible opening verse, Lee. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted September 25, 2013 Moderators Share Posted September 25, 2013 Nice! ^^^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted September 25, 2013 Moderators Share Posted September 25, 2013 No way mine would've worked, for sure. I was just trying to illustrate how the lines could be tied together logically. To make it a through line. I didn't even consider making the meter work to his music. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted September 25, 2013 Members Share Posted September 25, 2013 I don't have much intelligent to say except that I don't think the word "therein" should be used in popular music - like maybe ever. (What's next, "heretofore"?) The line could be "and RIGHT THERE lies the case against me" maybe? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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