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  • Red Thief

    I really miss the Stickboy Challenges the board used to have.  Always felt it built songwriting muscle by forcing me to do go in directions I might not otherwise would have.

    There is a website called "soundfight.org", that in essence throws the equivalent of a particular type of Stickboy challange out - usually in the form of a phrase. They give you the phrase, and you need to write a song around it.

    And so the upcoming phrase is "Red Thief". And here is the song, just an instrument and vocal. Cowritten with the lovely and talented Annunciata Pascale.

    Suggestions, likes dislikes etc welcomed, as always.

     

    Red Thief
    (c)2013 Richard Brooks (That's me!) and Annunciata Pascale

    V1: In she walked in that red dress
    I was thinking thoughts I must confess
    Although I hadn't thought
    Much of them through

    <div class="signaturecontainer"><i>&quot;Now and then... occasionally... it seems to have.... too many notes&quot;</i><br></div>

  • #2

    As always the melody and music is very engaging.  I have a number of thoughts for you to consider.

    *  Three verses before the first chorus is asking a lot of the listener.  I initially thought you should just trim off V3, but C2 arrived quicker than I expected, so it should be possible to sneak V3 in after C1.  No matter what you do, you need to get to C1 sooner.

     

    *  You miss a great chance for a hammer line at the end of the chorus.  "Unaware of her schemes" is a throwaway, doesn't add anything to the lyric that hasn't already been said.  Why not just hit us with the title again?

    She was a red thief in the night
    Took my innocent dreams
    And stole my light
    She was a red thief (or something more colorful such as "That dirty red thief", only better than that )

     

    *  Why must you confess?  That feels like it is there for the rhyme.  In fact, all the "thought" rhetoric feels clunky.

     

    *  "Must confess" feels even more unnecessary when you introduce something that you really must confess to in the bridge.  More evidence that a change to V1 would probably strengthen the song.

     

    *  I'm not sure "wonderful" is the right word for your life.  You spent this entire song telling how low down, dirty this bedazzling witch is and how much she hurt you, but then you twist and say how great things are.  I'd keep it more cautiously optimstic, like "I'm alright".  That hit home because it felt more honest, wasn't selling anything extra.

     

    *  It had been 20 year or more it seemed.

     

    *  In the nght and stole my light both feel a bit too cliche.  I wish I had something better to offer, but they held me back from really engaging with the chorus.

     

    Great stuff, Rick.

    Don't listen to Justin.
    LCK - 2/21/2012

    Comment


    • rhino55
      rhino55 commented
      Editing a comment
      +1 to all the stuff Os said.

      This is a great start and if you address the issues he brought up, you'll have a dynamite song.

    • Lee Knight
      Lee Knight commented
      Editing a comment

      Oswlek wrote:

       


      She was a red thief (or something more colorful such as "That dirty red thief", only better than that )




       


      That skanky soul sucking vampire bitch of a red thief troll mama?


       


      I like this as well, Rick. It's cool.


  • #3
    I'd re-order it slightly

    V1
    V2
    Chorus
    V4
    V3
    Bridge
    Chorus

    I don't know that I'd do V5 and V6. They're good and I like the story arc, but if you're fine now, was she really that bad?
    ...

    Comment


    • Oswlek
      Oswlek commented
      Editing a comment

      rhino55 wrote:
      I'd re-order it slightly

      V1
      V2
      Chorus
      V4
      V3
      Bridge
      Chorus

      I don't know that I'd do V5 and V6. They're good and I like the story arc, but if you're fine now, was she really that bad?

      I'm debating whether you need to spell out what she did.  If not, you could go

      V1
      V2
      Chorus
      V4
      V6

      Chorus
      Bridge
      Chorus

      Which would allow you to add that tag at the end.

      That said, as long as the optimism levels are scaled back, I don't mind the twist at the end.


  • #4
    j
    rickidoo wrote:

    Red Thief
    (c)2013 Richard Brooks (That's me!) and Annunciata Pascale

    V1: In she walked in that red dress
    I was thinking thoughts feeling things, I must confess
    Although I hadn't thought
    Much of them through

    "I write from a different place. I do not even know what it is called, or if it has a name. It just comes and I sculpt it. But it is also a lot of hard work." —Van Morrison

    Comment


    • mbfrancis
      mbfrancis commented
      Editing a comment

      LCK wrote:

      There's an easy metric to test when a song's lyric goes on too long. Ask yourself: Am I Bob Dylan? If not then you probably need to tighten things up.


       

      Classic.

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