Fallen (In Love) - Zachariah

[ZachariahAS]

 

Fallen (In Love)

Zachariah

 

Song:

 

The way you smile

Brightens up my day and night

The way your touch brings chills down my spine

 

You're lying down

But your heart's right up there I know

Cos I see it tonight

I see it tonight

 

I know it's true

It ain't as easy as the books say it should

 

Footsteps drown the patter of rain

Big bright smile against a grey terrain

 

I think I'll be falling

I think I'll be falling

I think I'll be falling

I think I'll be falling

 

I see it now

Yeah I see it now

 

I think I've just fallen

I think I've just fallen

I think I've just fallen

I think I've just fallen down

 

Pick me up

Pick me up

From the very ground

Pick me up

[mbfrancis]

Hey--

There's some nice stuff here.  I like your voice, nice tone, and the minimal aching vibe is great.  I really like the melody that goes up on "fallen"  - reminds me of The Script, "I'm falling to PIECES."   And I like the rain/terrain line.

I have some challenges with it though:

* It feels kind of formless, like you're figuring it out as you go.  It's hard to follow from one section to the next.  In general if you're going to go agains verse/chorus convention, I'd have a good reason.  It might help to have a consistent structure to give the listener somethign to hang on to.

* There's not a lot of detail here to engage me, so I'm not really invested in the song.  I.e. why should I care?  Also I'm not really sure what you're saying, what the message is. The one piece of detail (rain/terrain) doesn't really tell me anything.  

* A lot of the words here are very common in songs: fallen in love, chillls dow my spine, pick me up - it would be great to steer clear of some of these and say something unique, or say it uniquely.  This feels a little synthetic.  I'd rather you *showed* us how you fell in love, rather than *telling* us over and over.  Again, we're not invested at all.

* *Which* books say *what* is easy? - are there really books that say falling in love is easy?  And why isn't it easy...tell me about why it's hard.

 

Some good stuff - hope this helps.

[Oswlek]

 

---

mbfrancis wrote:

 

 

Hey--

 

There's some nice stuff here.  I like your voice, nice tone, and the minimal aching vibe is great.  I really like the melody that goes up on "fallen"  - reminds me of The Script, "I'm falling to PIECES."   And I like the rain/terrain line.

 

I have some challenges with it though:

 

* It feels kind of formless, like you're figuring it out as you go.  It's hard to follow from one section to the next.  In general if you're going to go agains verse/chorus convention, I'd have a good reason.  It might help to have a consistent structure to give the listener somethign to hang on to.

* There's not a lot of detail here to engage me, so I'm not really invested in the song.  I.e. why should I care?  Also I'm not really sure what you're saying, what the message is. The one piece of detail (rain/terrain) doesn't really tell me anything.  

* A lot of the words here are very common in songs: fallen in love, chillls dow my spine, pick me up - it would be great to steer clear of some of these and say something unique, or say it uniquely.  This feels a little synthetic.  I'd rather you *showed* us how you fell in love, rather than *telling* us over and over.  Again, we're not invested at all.

* *Which* books say *what* is easy? - are there really books that say falling in love is easy?  And why isn't it easy...tell me about why it's hard.

 

Some good stuff - hope this helps.

---

 

Ditto.  There is a song there, but it still needs to be chisled into shape.

[ZachariahAS]

Ah it's finally gotten through!

 

Thanks for accepting me as a member of this community, have every intention to do so. It's been great so far, feedback's been very constructive.

 

Hope to hear your thoughts on the new song I've written, what's good and what's to be improved.

 

Love

Zachariah