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Fallen (In Love) - Zachariah

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  • Fallen (In Love) - Zachariah

    Fallen (In Love)
    Zachariah

    Song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fjO9AGI4Ubk

    The way you smile
    Brightens up my day and night
    The way your touch brings chills down my spine

    You're lying down
    But your heart's right up there I know
    Cos I see it tonight
    I see it tonight

    I know it's true
    It ain't as easy as the books say it should

    Footsteps drown the patter of rain
    Big bright smile against a grey terrain

    I think I'll be falling
    I think I'll be falling
    I think I'll be falling
    I think I'll be falling

    I see it now
    Yeah I see it now

    I think I've just fallen
    I think I've just fallen
    I think I've just fallen
    I think I've just fallen down

    Pick me up
    Pick me up
    From the very ground
    Pick me up


  • #2

    Hey--

    There's some nice stuff here.  I like your voice, nice tone, and the minimal aching vibe is great.  I really like the melody that goes up on "fallen"  - reminds me of The Script, "I'm falling to PIECES."   And I like the rain/terrain line.

    I have some challenges with it though:

    * It feels kind of formless, like you're figuring it out as you go.  It's hard to follow from one section to the next.  In general if you're going to go agains verse/chorus convention, I'd have a good reason.  It might help to have a consistent structure to give the listener somethign to hang on to.

    * There's not a lot of detail here to engage me, so I'm not really invested in the song.  I.e. why should I care?  Also I'm not really sure what you're saying, what the message is. The one piece of detail (rain/terrain) doesn't really tell me anything.  

    * A lot of the words here are very common in songs: fallen in love, chillls dow my spine, pick me up - it would be great to steer clear of some of these and say something unique, or say it uniquely.  This feels a little synthetic.  I'd rather you *showed* us how you fell in love, rather than *telling* us over and over.  Again, we're not invested at all.

    * *Which* books say *what* is easy? - are there really books that say falling in love is easy?  And why isn't it easy...tell me about why it's hard.

     

    Some good stuff - hope this helps.

    Comment


    • Oswlek
      Oswlek commented
      Editing a comment

      mbfrancis wrote:

      Hey--

      There's some nice stuff here.  I like your voice, nice tone, and the minimal aching vibe is great.  I really like the melody that goes up on "fallen"  - reminds me of The Script, "I'm falling to PIECES."   And I like the rain/terrain line.

      I have some challenges with it though:

      * It feels kind of formless, like you're figuring it out as you go.  It's hard to follow from one section to the next.  In general if you're going to go agains verse/chorus convention, I'd have a good reason.  It might help to have a consistent structure to give the listener somethign to hang on to.

      * There's not a lot of detail here to engage me, so I'm not really invested in the song.  I.e. why should I care?  Also I'm not really sure what you're saying, what the message is. The one piece of detail (rain/terrain) doesn't really tell me anything.  

      * A lot of the words here are very common in songs: fallen in love, chillls dow my spine, pick me up - it would be great to steer clear of some of these and say something unique, or say it uniquely.  This feels a little synthetic.  I'd rather you *showed* us how you fell in love, rather than *telling* us over and over.  Again, we're not invested at all.

      * *Which* books say *what* is easy? - are there really books that say falling in love is easy?  And why isn't it easy...tell me about why it's hard.

       

      Some good stuff - hope this helps.


      Ditto.  There is a song there, but it still needs to be chisled into shape.


  • #3
    Ah it's finally gotten through!

    Thanks for accepting me as a member of this community, have every intention to do so. It's been great so far, feedback's been very constructive.

    Hope to hear your thoughts on the new song I've written, what's good and what's to be improved.

    Love
    Zachariah

    Comment













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