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  • Never Know When Jesus

    Okay I hope this works. sorry if not. Let me know what you think, please. Thanks.

     

    http://www.reverbnation.com/2ndhandsuspects/song/18883151-never-know-when-jesus

     

    Never Know When Jesus

    I                                                                                                                 III

    There


  • #2

    OK--

    1) Maybe don't submit two tracks at a time, you're asking a lot without having reviewed anything yourself.  

    2) When you post the lyrics, please don't use columns, it shows up all broken on mobile devices.

    3) Personally, I don't think you should set up your recordings with an intro - it should stand on it's own.  

    4) Really hard to hear this one - maybe re-record w/out ths intro?

     

    Sounds cool, though, good topic.  The melody reminds me of this old New Order song, actualy.

    Comment


    • LCK
      LCK commented
      Editing a comment

      mbfrancis wrote:

      OK--

      1) Maybe don't submit two tracks at a time, you're asking a lot without having reviewed anything yourself.  

      2) When you post the lyrics, please don't use columns, it shows up all broken on mobile devices.

      3) Personally, I don't think you should set up your recordings with an intro - it should stand on it's own.  

      4) Really hard to hear this one - maybe re-record w/out ths intro?

       


      Good points. I'd also post one song at a time, if I were you.

      Also, do you consider these songs works in progress, or finished products (writing wise)?


  • #3
    Great idea gir a tune.

    And yes, what Francis is saying is very important regarding formatting of text. If you're writing things out in a program like Word perhaps and pasting them into the forming software, beware. You don't really want to do any formatting beyond just a line break. That's it, and then when you paste if you get the paste option pulldown (lightning bolt), choose text only. Lastly, don't ignore the preview tab to see how your text will eventually appear as a post. Your text right now is scattered all over the page and impossible to read. But please don't be discouraged we want to get this stuff in.

    So the first thing that occurs to me as I listen to your tune is why didn't you write that intro into the song itself? That's a pretty cool story that puts you and your father and the homeless guy all in one place. The other suggestion would be to try a few things that might separate the verse from the chorus. Try...

    Singing in a different register, a lower one, for your verses. That way you chorus will pop.

    Using a different cadence or melodic rhythm for your verses for the same reason.

    Starting the verse on a different chord than the chorus for the same reason. Or even a different pool of chords to really set that verse apart from your chorus.

    All in all, this feels like a really good polished first draft. I think now is the time to apply some craft to really make your message jump out of the listener.

    If you're inclined. That's what we do here... we rewrite.
    ___

    Comment


    • #4
      Oh and don't rely on Siri like I do or you'll end up with bizarre words scattered here and there like in my post above. :-)
      ___

      Comment


      • blue2blue
        blue2blue commented
        Editing a comment

        Lee Knight wrote:
        Oh and don't rely on Siri like I do or you'll end up with bizarre words scattered here and there like in my post above. :-)


        knew it.  grin 

        Attached Files

    • #5
      Oh dear lord I did even realize it looked like that. , sorry! I was trying to conserve space. I am in the process of re recording this. The story is part if the song though. In my head there is some picking behind the story which I am not a good enough player to do. I wanted the story, which us true, yoder the tone. Like those old 70's country talking songs.

      Thanks!

      Comment


      • mbfrancis
        mbfrancis commented
        Editing a comment

        The columns look fine on my laptop, but on mobile it's a total mess.

        (FYI I manage web sites and almost 20% of our traffic is from mobile devices.)


      • blue2blue
        blue2blue commented
        Editing a comment

        tony333 wrote:
        Oh dear lord I did even realize it looked like that. , sorry! I was trying to conserve space. I am in the process of re recording this. The story is part if the song though. In my head there is some picking behind the story which I am not a good enough player to do. I wanted the story, which us true, yoder the tone. Like those old 70's country talking songs.

        Thanks!

        Page space comes cheap on the internet.  wink.gif 


         


        And, as noted, the widespread use of phones and tablets to view websites complicates things... or, more to the point, forces simplification if we want to have any hope fo being able to be read across devices. 


         

        Attached Files

    • #6

      This song has great intentions, but it is badly in need of some spice.  It isn't the listener's responsibility to stick something out, it is the song's responsibility to grab and retain my interest.  Playing the same chord progression with the same melody isn't the best way to accomplish this, particularly when the progression is perhaps the most basic imaginable.  Not that there is anything wrong with G-D-C, but it isn't engaging in and of itself.

      If you are a beginner and you don't have a diverse array of chords at your fingertips, then consider at least switching it up.  If the verse is G-D-C, then make it C-G-D in the chorus.  If you think you have a special progression (I would disagree here) then you'll need to get more comfortable writing alternate melodies that feel different even if the underlying music hasn't changed much.

      Keep cracking!

      Don't listen to Justin.
      LCK - 2/21/2012

      Comment


      • #7
        Thanks again. I am a novice player but do agree about doing something to make to chorus "pop".

        Comment


        • mbfrancis
          mbfrancis commented
          Editing a comment

          Hey for a novice this is pretty damn good - shows enourmous promise.  Don't be discouraged by all the feedback - if we didn't like it we wouldn't bother.  


      • #8
        Isn't there a verse somewhere where Jesus says whatever you do for the least of my people, you also do for me?
        ...

        Comment


        • nat whilk II
          nat whilk II commented
          Editing a comment

          Yeah, and it's in the context of a parable about Judgement Day, too.  Gospel of Matthew, chapter 25.  So I'm thinking Tony knows his Bible.  

           

           

          nat whilk ii


      • #9

        I agree with the cutting down of the story. That makes a lot of sense.

        Something you guys and gals should know is that I am in no way an overly religous person. Nor do i know the Bible, basically at all, except the stories that most people know. I am a believer but not in organized religon. But my religious views are for a different forum and a different time, although they clearly influenced the song.

        I have toyed with the idea of changing the title to lesson the "stength of message" , if that makes sense.

        In v3 when I am singing about a guy talking to himself, that was inspired by a comic named Marc maron. In one of his stand ups he made reference to the homeless people in NY and how they talk to themselves, ot loud, and that it might be God telling them good things to do. Not really sure why I remebered that at the time I was writing this  but I rarely know where these ideas come from. I just kind of let them come and see what happens.

        The other thing that is impossible is for you to know my father and the person he was and how he went through life. That has a lot of bearing on the lines and the song.

        Thanks, I am learning a lot and getting some good ideas. 

        Comment


        • oldgitplayer
          oldgitplayer commented
          Editing a comment

          I'm going to chime in now..........

          This is a good idea but it hasn't yet become a good song.

          Apart from some of the detail discussed thus far, the song doesn't quite know what it wants to be. The 'tone' or 'flavour' of the song feels only half formed.

          Do you want the song to be poignant and compassionate like Ralph McTell's 'Streets of London' or are you headed somewhere else?

          I think this needs some thought before tackling any re-write.


        • mbfrancis
          mbfrancis commented
          Editing a comment

          tony333 wrote:

          I agree with the cutting down of the story. That makes a lot of sense.

          Something you guys and gals should know is that I am in no way an overly religous person. Nor do i know the Bible, basically at all, except the stories that most people know. I am a believer but not in organized religon. But my religious views are for a different forum and a different time, although they clearly influenced the song.

          I have toyed with the idea of changing the title to lesson the "stength of message" , if that makes sense.

          In v3 when I am singing about a guy talking to himself, that was inspired by a comic named Marc maron. In one of his stand ups he made reference to the homeless people in NY and how they talk to themselves, ot loud, and that it might be God telling them good things to do. Not really sure why I remebered that at the time I was writing this  but I rarely know where these ideas come from. I just kind of let them come and see what happens.

          The other thing that is impossible is for you to know my father and the person he was and how he went through life. That has a lot of bearing on the lines and the song.

          Thanks, I am learning a lot and getting some good ideas. 


           

          OK you just made my point about homeless people - I would carry that through explicitly.

          Also, the listener's understanding can't be dependenat of prior knowledge of your father - either it works for the listener or not.  You can *infuse* the song with the spirit of your father, but it still has to make sense, and be consistent, and be engaging.  


        • Foose31
          Foose31 commented
          Editing a comment

          This is a pretty good example of telling a story at the beginning. IMO

           

          Love your style, Tony.


      • #10
        I have been thinking about this song and some of the suggestions made about it.today.

        One thing that I would say is that the Jesus in the song is being taken to literall. it s not about Jesus but about treating all human beings the same because they are human beings. Jesus is just the extreme example of who you might be talking too.

        The song is more about the log Golden Rule.

        Comment


        • rhino55
          rhino55 commented
          Editing a comment
          Taking it as literal Jesus makes the song much more powerful.

          Plus, that's how you wrote it. Jesus + judgement day = literal Jesus
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