Members LordBTY Posted November 16, 2013 Members Share Posted November 16, 2013 Thoughts? This is a bit of a theatrical singalong. --Verse 1Hello, the ground is now shakingI'd really love to be with you right nowYou hear a scream; the building just caved inThis cold December.... Pre-Chorusthe world as we know, it is ending.So please, let's just stop this pretending.But do you regret how we left thingsnow everything is falling down? Chorusbut now that man kind is falling, I need to say my last goodbye.So I will phone and keep on callingand see you on the other side.Singing la la laSo will we change when faced with death? Verse 2Don't go, with all that we've been through,your face is as familiar as mine.Hear people sing a wonderful preludeWe'll sing together... Pre-ChorusThe world as we know, it is ending.So please, let's just stop this pretendingSo do you regret how we left thingsnow everything is falling down? ChorusSo now that man kind is fallingI need to say my last goodbye.so I will phone and keep on callingand see you on the other side.Singing la la laSo will we change when faced with death? Middle 8Ceasing to existIf there were nothing leftI'm just thinking if....If we died tomorrowIf there were nothing leftIf we died tomorrow Last Chorusyou see if man kind were fallingI'd need to be with you tonight.So I will phone and keep on callingto be with you right by your side.Singing la la laand I will love you in my last breathe, We change when faced with death. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted November 17, 2013 Members Share Posted November 17, 2013 Wait, you want us to tell you what the lyrics mean? Is this a quiz?If it's not metaphorical, then it sounds like it should be called "Damn I Shouldn't Have Fallen in Love with An Arsonist" and the buildings she set on fire are falling on top of you while you're trying to get a signal to tell her you're still in love with her. Or "Love in the End Times" - you're both evangelicals...ah, but who will be saved? Feels like without some more detail the death stuff is just cheap unearned pathos. We're supposed to treat those lines with enormous gravity that you haven't really justified I think. Not sure it hangs together. My $.02. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted November 17, 2013 Members Share Posted November 17, 2013 mbfrancis wrote: Feels like without some more detail the death stuff is just cheap unearned pathos. We're supposed to treat those lines with enormous gravty that you haven't really justified I think. There's something here. It's alive with emotion, but I think it needs a nail to hang some of that emotion on.I mean, frankly, with the right music & production it might work as is. But I'd personally like there to be more of a road map to who and where these people are. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LordBTY Posted November 17, 2013 Author Members Share Posted November 17, 2013 Revisions made. Tried to emphasise certain points of the narrative a bit more clearly. What is the lyric saying now? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted November 17, 2013 Moderators Share Posted November 17, 2013 Tragedy has a way of clarifying the truth. Without the distractions of the day to day I'll bet what we have together is clearer now for you now, so I'm calling you to hear you say it but I fear you've already passed, never fear though, see you soon on the other side What I don't see.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted November 17, 2013 Moderators Share Posted November 17, 2013 ...is any repetitive hook or title resolution etc. I don't see any hint of structure. I'm not saying it isn't there, but I don't see it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LordBTY Posted November 17, 2013 Author Members Share Posted November 17, 2013 It's definitely there, I can promise you. The structure is: Verse 1Pre-ChorusChorusVerse 2Pre-ChorusChorusMiddle 8Chorus/Coda/Tie Off HOWEVER, I am looking to see how clearly the meaning and sentiment is expressed, nothing else. That's partially why I've written it as a continuous prose, not clearly structurally outlined. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted November 17, 2013 Moderators Share Posted November 17, 2013 Got it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LordBTY Posted November 17, 2013 Author Members Share Posted November 17, 2013 Further revisions made and structure outlined to see if it helps/ makes it more readable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted November 18, 2013 Members Share Posted November 18, 2013 Significantly better than the first write-up. If this were my song I'd make the PC repeat and take the idea out of the second PC and make it the V2, since that doesn't really offer anything new. And make it more present, don't say "her words aren't receiving" which doesn't mean anything, so "the other end keeps ringing". But I'll keep calling because I have to hear her voice before the whole thing burns down. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members TSPB Posted June 24, 2014 Members Share Posted June 24, 2014 My interpretation, it's a bit too repetitive. I know that doesn't matter but it's my interpretation. the tune may make a difference though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Delmont Posted July 1, 2014 Members Share Posted July 1, 2014 My interpretation: Sounds like it's about saying goodbye to a sweetheart during a winter earthquake. What that has to do with all mankind isn't clear, but maybe it doesn't have to be. If the words work well with the music, you're there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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