Forever's Gone

[tony333]

Ok. This is me channeling my inner George Jones. I struggle singing this the most. My voice really cannot sing this tune but I have always liked it lyrically. The one half verse about the clock is weak but overall I think it is okay. I really like the chorus. And remember I warned you all about my playing and singing.I am the epitome of three chords and an old guitar. It is really bare bones with me always but that is where I am as a player. 

 

http://www.reverbnation.com/c./poni/243278621

 

Forever's Gone

V1

There's a letter in the drawer

in a table by the bed

That's tattered and torn

and full of lies

 

And there's a heartache in the mirror

where there use to be a man

before she left

with no goodbye's

 

There's a tear stain on the pillow

where I use to lay my head

and dream and hold her

in my arms

 

And there's a picture in a wallet

of days so far away

and memories from before

forever's gone

 

Chorus

 

Forever's gone

and she aint ever

coming back again

she left and stole away my heart

 

Forver's gone

and I'm left standing

lost and all alone

cause in my soul

now I know

Forever's gone

 

V2

There's a ring on my finger

that doesn't mean a thing

whose promise was 

broken right in two

 

And there's a tear that keeps on crying

and wishing she was here

from sad eyes

so tired and so blue

 

Chorus

 

V3

There's a clock on the wall

where time is standing still

and faith has 

faded straight to grey

 

Now there's a bottle that's empty

where the wounds will never heal

since true love

was taken away

 

Chorus

 

[LCK]

 

---

tony333 wrote:

 

 

Ok. This is me channeling my inner George Jones. I struggle singing this the most. My voice really cannot sing this tune but I have always liked it lyrically. The one half verse about the clock is weak but overall I think it is okay. I really like the chorus. And remember I warned you all about my playing and singing.I am the epitome of three chords and an old guitar. It is really bare bones with me always but that is where I am as a player. 

http://www.reverbnation.com/c./poni/243278621

 

Forever's Gone

V1

 

There's a letter in the drawer

 

in a table by the bed

 

That's tattered and torn

 

and full of lies

 

 

 

And there's a heartache in the mirror

 

where there use to be a man

 

before she left

 

with no goodbye's

 

 

There's a tear stain on the pillow

 

where I use to lay my head

 

and dream and hold her

 

in my arms

 

 

 

And there's a picture in a wallet

 

of days so far away

 

and memories from before

 

forever's gone

 

 

Chorus

 

 

 

Forever's gone

 

and she aint ever

 

coming back again

 

she left and stole away my heart

 

 

 

Forver's gone

 

and I'm left standing

 

lost and all alone

 

cause in my soul

 

now I know

 

Forever's gone

 

 

 

V2

 

There's a ring on my finger

 

that doesn't mean a thing

 

whose promise was 

 

broken right in two

 

 

 

And there's a tear that keeps on crying

 

and wishing she was here

 

from sad eyes

 

so tired and so blue

 

 

 

Chorus

 

 

 

V3

 

There's a clock on the wall

 

where time is standing still

 

and faith has 

 

faded straight to grey

 

 

 

Now there's a bottle that's empty

 

where the wounds will never heal

 

since true love

 

was taken away

 

 

 

Chorus

 

 

---

 

I think you've got the nugget of something here, but IMO it needs to follow a more traditional structure.

You'll notice that I crossed out the 3rd & 4th verses. It's not that I think they're terrible. I like some of the images in them a lot. It's just that after the 2nd verse the song needs to build more tension, melodically and harmonically (probably a pre-chorus), so that you can then lift us out of our seats with the chorus. This is the "turn that up" moment you'd get if a song like this came on the radio. It would be the part everyone would be singing along with as they drive, etc.

There's also a problem of "samey-ness" in both the music and the lyric.

But like I said there's a nugget of something there worth pursuing, if you think you can work on those problems.

Anyway, that's what I think...

 

[Foose31]

 

 

Changed the words a little. I picture your inner George Jones telling this to his ex.

I changed a little in your "clock" Verse but kept all of your subject matter. Hope this helps you some.

 

Forever's Gone

V1

There's a letter in the top drawer

of the dresser by our bed

That's tattered and torn

and full of lies

 

And there

[Lee Knight]

---

tony333 wrote:

 

 

 

Forever's Gone

 

V1

 

There's a letter in the drawer

 

in a table by the bed

 

That's tattered and torn

 

and full of lies

 

 

 

And there's a heartache in the mirror

 

where there use to be a man

 

before she left

 

with no goodbye's

 

 

 

There's a tear stain on the pillow

 

where I use to lay my head

 

and dream and hold her

 

in my arms

 

 

 

And there's a picture in a wallet

 

of days so far away

 

and memories from before

 

forever's gone

 

 

 

Chorus

 

 

 

Forever's gone

 

and she aint ever

 

coming back again

 

she left and stole away my heart

 

 

 

Forever's gone

 

and I'm left standing

 

lost and all alone

 

cause in my soul

 

now I know

 

Forever's gone

 

 

 

V2

 

There's a ring on my finger

 

that doesn't mean a thing

 

whose promise was 

 

broken right in two

 

 

 

And there's a tear that keeps on crying

 

and wishing she was here

 

from sad eyes

 

so tired and so blue

 

 

 

Chorus

 

 

 

V3

 

There's a clock on the wall

 

where time is standing still

 

and faith has 

 

faded straight to grey

 

 

 

Now there's a bottle that's empty

 

where the wounds will never heal

 

since true love

 

was taken away

 

 

 

Chorus

 

 

---

 

 

First off, I think the title is great. It's simple but has a nice layer of complexity. We've heard the play on forever not being forever, but your take with the simple Forever's Gone is nice. How can it be gone if it's forever? Ding. Nice and simple and new.

 

I like the verse a lot myself. I think you've done a good job laying out the story with a nice repetitive motive with "there's a..". It's great. It's the chorus where I see you need a fresh take on things. Your title's great. But everything else in the chorus doesn't really do anything.

 

Forever's gone

and she aint ever

coming back again

she left and stole away my heart

 

Forver's gone

and I'm left standing

lost and all alone

cause in my soul

now I know

Forever's gone

 

So, what if you changed the cadence of the title hook by elongated it. After your verse you could ring out a chord and, For... e... ver's  gone!

 

Thematically, it feels like you should somehow be playing off of the concept of forever not being forever. Here's my silly attempt at it...

 

For... e...ver's... gone

I used to hang my hat on forever

For... e...ver's... gone

Knowing it'd always be hanging there by the door, but

For... e...ver's... gone

I always thought that it would always be but I was wrong

And now my hat's lying on the floor

Cause forever's gone

 

I think if you were to try and nail something unique for that chorus, then spend your time thinking about your structure and verses. You've got a lot of lyric. You could easily cut those verses in half and use only the best, while going somewhere different on your chorus to keep up the interest.

 

All in all, I really like your verses and your title a lot. A different chorus could be ultra simple too. Anyway, nice job!

 

 

[tony333]

Thanks gentlemen. I agree with shortening the verses and restructuring them. The sameiness is my lack of playing and singing ability. But playing with the tempo is something to look at. I also like the idea of a pre chorus to set up the chorus. and give it that "take off" feel.I do like my chorus though. Back to the drawing board. Thanks.

[rickidoo]

 

First off... great title.. forever's gone.

 

I am thinking that verse 1, which to me is actually 2 verses.. it conveys two different thoughts. At any ratem regardless of whether it is called verse 1 or verse 1 and 2, my comment would be the same...

 

I would come in exactly with the melody that you have from There's... a letter... goodbyes...

 

But when you hit "And there's a heartache..." I'd suggest ratching it up melodically a bit.. throw in a little more intensity.  

 

I feel that especially with a slower song, even with a full backing band, you don't want to go so many lines with the same level of melody.

 

So let that emotion get a little released when you get to "there's a tear stain..."

Just my 2 cents. Probably not worth a penny.

Rick