Members tony333 Posted November 19, 2013 Members Share Posted November 19, 2013 Ok. This is me channeling my inner George Jones. I struggle singing this the most. My voice really cannot sing this tune but I have always liked it lyrically. The one half verse about the clock is weak but overall I think it is okay. I really like the chorus. And remember I warned you all about my playing and singing.I am the epitome of three chords and an old guitar. It is really bare bones with me always but that is where I am as a player. http://www.reverbnation.com/c./poni/243278621 Forever's GoneV1There's a letter in the drawerin a table by the bedThat's tattered and tornand full of lies And there's a heartache in the mirrorwhere there use to be a manbefore she leftwith no goodbye's There's a tear stain on the pillowwhere I use to lay my headand dream and hold herin my arms And there's a picture in a walletof days so far awayand memories from beforeforever's gone Chorus Forever's goneand she aint evercoming back againshe left and stole away my heart Forver's goneand I'm left standinglost and all alonecause in my soulnow I knowForever's gone V2There's a ring on my fingerthat doesn't mean a thingwhose promise was broken right in two And there's a tear that keeps on cryingand wishing she was herefrom sad eyesso tired and so blue Chorus V3There's a clock on the wallwhere time is standing stilland faith has faded straight to grey Now there's a bottle that's emptywhere the wounds will never healsince true lovewas taken away Chorus Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted November 19, 2013 Members Share Posted November 19, 2013 tony333 wrote: Ok. This is me channeling my inner George Jones. I struggle singing this the most. My voice really cannot sing this tune but I have always liked it lyrically. The one half verse about the clock is weak but overall I think it is okay. I really like the chorus. And remember I warned you all about my playing and singing.I am the epitome of three chords and an old guitar. It is really bare bones with me always but that is where I am as a player. http://www.reverbnation.com/c./poni/243278621 Forever's GoneV1 There's a letter in the drawer in a table by the bed That's tattered and torn and full of lies And there's a heartache in the mirror where there use to be a man before she left with no goodbye's There's a tear stain on the pillow where I use to lay my head and dream and hold her in my arms And there's a picture in a wallet of days so far away and memories from before forever's gone Chorus Forever's gone and she aint ever coming back again she left and stole away my heart Forver's gone and I'm left standing lost and all alone cause in my soul now I know Forever's gone V2 There's a ring on my finger that doesn't mean a thing whose promise was broken right in two And there's a tear that keeps on crying and wishing she was here from sad eyes so tired and so blue Chorus V3 There's a clock on the wall where time is standing still and faith has faded straight to grey Now there's a bottle that's empty where the wounds will never heal since true love was taken away Chorus I think you've got the nugget of something here, but IMO it needs to follow a more traditional structure.You'll notice that I crossed out the 3rd & 4th verses. It's not that I think they're terrible. I like some of the images in them a lot. It's just that after the 2nd verse the song needs to build more tension, melodically and harmonically (probably a pre-chorus), so that you can then lift us out of our seats with the chorus. This is the "turn that up" moment you'd get if a song like this came on the radio. It would be the part everyone would be singing along with as they drive, etc.There's also a problem of "samey-ness" in both the music and the lyric.But like I said there's a nugget of something there worth pursuing, if you think you can work on those problems.Anyway, that's what I think... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Foose31 Posted November 19, 2013 Members Share Posted November 19, 2013 Changed the words a little. I picture your inner George Jones telling this to his ex. I changed a little in your "clock" Verse but kept all of your subject matter. Hope this helps you some. Forever's Gone V1 There's a letter in the top drawer of the dresser by our bed That's tattered and torn and full of lies And there Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted November 19, 2013 Moderators Share Posted November 19, 2013 tony333 wrote: Forever's Gone V1 There's a letter in the drawer in a table by the bed That's tattered and torn and full of lies And there's a heartache in the mirror where there use to be a man before she left with no goodbye's There's a tear stain on the pillow where I use to lay my head and dream and hold her in my arms And there's a picture in a wallet of days so far away and memories from before forever's gone Chorus Forever's gone and she aint ever coming back again she left and stole away my heart Forever's gone and I'm left standing lost and all alone cause in my soul now I know Forever's gone V2 There's a ring on my finger that doesn't mean a thing whose promise was broken right in two And there's a tear that keeps on crying and wishing she was here from sad eyes so tired and so blue Chorus V3 There's a clock on the wall where time is standing still and faith has faded straight to grey Now there's a bottle that's empty where the wounds will never heal since true love was taken away Chorus First off, I think the title is great. It's simple but has a nice layer of complexity. We've heard the play on forever not being forever, but your take with the simple Forever's Gone is nice. How can it be gone if it's forever? Ding. Nice and simple and new. I like the verse a lot myself. I think you've done a good job laying out the story with a nice repetitive motive with "there's a..". It's great. It's the chorus where I see you need a fresh take on things. Your title's great. But everything else in the chorus doesn't really do anything. Forever's goneand she aint evercoming back againshe left and stole away my heart Forver's goneand I'm left standinglost and all alonecause in my soulnow I knowForever's gone So, what if you changed the cadence of the title hook by elongated it. After your verse you could ring out a chord and, For... e... ver's gone! Thematically, it feels like you should somehow be playing off of the concept of forever not being forever. Here's my silly attempt at it... For... e...ver's... goneI used to hang my hat on foreverFor... e...ver's... goneKnowing it'd always be hanging there by the door, butFor... e...ver's... goneI always thought that it would always be but I was wrongAnd now my hat's lying on the floorCause forever's gone I think if you were to try and nail something unique for that chorus, then spend your time thinking about your structure and verses. You've got a lot of lyric. You could easily cut those verses in half and use only the best, while going somewhere different on your chorus to keep up the interest. All in all, I really like your verses and your title a lot. A different chorus could be ultra simple too. Anyway, nice job! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tony333 Posted December 1, 2013 Author Members Share Posted December 1, 2013 Thanks gentlemen. I agree with shortening the verses and restructuring them. The sameiness is my lack of playing and singing ability. But playing with the tempo is something to look at. I also like the idea of a pre chorus to set up the chorus. and give it that "take off" feel.I do like my chorus though. Back to the drawing board. Thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rickidoo Posted December 1, 2013 Members Share Posted December 1, 2013 First off... great title.. forever's gone. I am thinking that verse 1, which to me is actually 2 verses.. it conveys two different thoughts. At any ratem regardless of whether it is called verse 1 or verse 1 and 2, my comment would be the same... I would come in exactly with the melody that you have from There's... a letter... goodbyes... But when you hit "And there's a heartache..." I'd suggest ratching it up melodically a bit.. throw in a little more intensity. I feel that especially with a slower song, even with a full backing band, you don't want to go so many lines with the same level of melody. So let that emotion get a little released when you get to "there's a tear stain..."Just my 2 cents. Probably not worth a penny.Rick Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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