Moderators Lee Knight Posted January 10, 2014 Moderators Share Posted January 10, 2014 Pride V1Pride... and you keep it all insideTry to hide those tears you cryWith your foolish pride V2Foolish pride... and you leave without a soundAnd you won't come aroundIt's your foolish pride BridgeIf you live to be 100All you dreams might not come trueBut you will revel in your lifeIn the dreams and things your triedIf you lose that foolish pride V3Pride... makes you do the things you doMakes you put it all on youIt's your foolish pride Bridge2So you carry the weightAnd there's always so much more to proveAnd you watch life passing byHave you never wondered whyYou cling to this foolish pride V4Pride... and you keep it all insideTry to hide those tears you cryWith your foolish pride Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members nat whilk II Posted January 10, 2014 Members Share Posted January 10, 2014 Great topic and basic feel. I really wonder what kind of treatment you have in mind for this - slow country ballad? sad Cat Stevens-ish solo acoustic? big Sinatra sort of heartfelt production? I'm hearing it something like Alfie. One bit of a disconnect - there's the pride that's holding someone back from risking failure, that's clear (at least I'm getting that). I'm not sure how tears work into that. Hiding tears can be a sort of therapist's angle - you need to let it out and have the catharsis. But how does that relate to pride? I mean I can imagine scenarios in which the two relate, but they don't seem connected in the lyrics. Seems like two different angles at once - doesn't strike with one single sharp arrowhead of poignancy. But it's a song, no question. Just needs a more clearly defined "issue" concerning which pride is the symptom. nat whilk ii Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted January 10, 2014 Members Share Posted January 10, 2014 Good topic, but a tough one to do.At the moment you've got almost all tell and no show, so the Bridges lean towards 'preachy'.The moment I started reading, my mind jumped to Tombstone Blues:Now the medicine man comes and he shuffles insideHe walks with a swagger and he says to be bride"Stop all this weeping, swallow your prideYou will not die, it's not poison".Is it relevant to what you are doing? - I dunno.For my taste, your turn of phrase is too straight up and down. If you're going to sing about pride, then I think some choice metaphors and some unexpected turn of phrase is needed to deliver the idea.I dunno for sure - just thinking aloud. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Foose31 Posted January 10, 2014 Members Share Posted January 10, 2014 Love what you got going there! When I read your lyrics it got me thinking of the timing and beat of Jason Aldean's song "Grown Woman". Hope this was the tempo you were thinking of while writing it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted January 10, 2014 Author Moderators Share Posted January 10, 2014 nat whilk II wrote: Great topic and basic feel. I really wonder what kind of treatment you have in mind for this - slow country ballad? sad Cat Stevens-ish solo acoustic? big Sinatra sort of heartfelt production? I'm hearing it something like Alfie. One bit of a disconnect - there's the pride that's holding someone back from risking failure, that's clear (at least I'm getting that). I'm not sure how tears work into that. Hiding tears can be a sort of therapist's angle - you need to let it out and have the catharsis. But how does that relate to pride? I mean I can imagine scenarios in which the two relate, but they don't seem connected in the lyrics. Seems like two different angles at once - doesn't strike with one single sharp arrowhead of poignancy. But it's a song, no question. Just needs a more clearly defined "issue" concerning which pride is the symptom. nat whilk ii Thanks Nat. I think your need for clarity is well founded. However, I'm not so sure I see the hiding of tears being so far removed from anything else one does when they're too proud. I do see what you're saying and that helps a lot to inspire me to want to focus this a bit. Tighten it up. You got my wheels spinning and looking at this from a new angle. Thanks you sir... As far as style, it was written with a cross between an Everly's parallel harmony thing with Holly/Beatles punchy changes. That is being tempered to a fingerpicked early verse building to full drums electric, etc. The slow build thing I think. Indie Folk Pop style. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted January 10, 2014 Author Moderators Share Posted January 10, 2014 oldgitplayer wrote: Good topic, but a tough one to do. At the moment you've got almost all tell and no show, so the Bridges lean towards 'preachy'. The moment I started reading, my mind jumped to Tombstone Blues: Now the medicine man comes and he shuffles insideHe walks with a swagger and he says to be bride"Stop all this weeping, swallow your prideYou will not die, it's not poison". Is it relevant to what you are doing? - I dunno. For my taste, your turn of phrase is too straight up and down. If you're going to sing about pride, then I think some choice metaphors and some unexpected turn of phrase is needed to deliver the idea. I dunno for sure - just thinking aloud. I like your idea of working a metaphor. I'm liking the tell not show feel of it though. This is a co-write with Dean Smith who worked on Sandstone Heart with me. The tone feels like the kind of thing I want to sing right now. Sort of preachy I guess. I think this guy deserves to preach a little after dealing with her foolish pride as he does. For now at least, until not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted January 10, 2014 Members Share Posted January 10, 2014 Lee Knight wrote: Pride V1 Pride... and you keep it all inside Try to hide those tears you cry With your foolish pride V2 Foolish pride... and you leave without a sound And you won't come back around It's your foolish pride Bridge If you live to be 100 All your dreams might not come true But you will revel in your life In the dreams and things your tried If you lose that foolish pride V3 Pride... makes you do the things you do Makes you put it all on you It's your foolish pride Bridge2 So you carry the weight And there's always so much more to prove And you watch life passing by Have you never wondered why You cling to this foolish pride V4 Pride... and you keep it all inside Try to hide those tears you cry With your foolish pride Nice. I like the idea of an Everly's kind of tune, dual acoustic guitars, etc.I'm not sure if this would work lyrically as is or not, though. It's a great topic, but the things I've put in bold are what I would call concrete rather than abstract. They're actions, not thoughts and feelings.This might be pull-off-able as is, but I'd rather have a little more show and a little less tell.But I could be wrong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted January 10, 2014 Members Share Posted January 10, 2014 I've read this a few times, and I'm not engaging for some reason. I wish I had something more useful to offer, but I wanted to let you know I am giving it a whirl. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted January 11, 2014 Author Moderators Share Posted January 11, 2014 I think that's awesome Phil! I'm working with essentially Dean's lyric and mostly great melody and I'm really in brainstorm mode. This brings the storm to my brain. Awesome and thank you for the kick. !!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted January 11, 2014 Author Moderators Share Posted January 11, 2014 I'm just really tired Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted January 11, 2014 Members Share Posted January 11, 2014 Just read it again and liked it this time. Who the hell knows?This was my favorite versePride... makes you do the things you doMakes you put it all on youIt's your foolish pride Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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