Why can't you people understand Plain English?!

[the_big_geez]

Why English is so hard to learn:

 

If you ever feel stupid, then just read on.

If you've learned to speak fluent English,

you must be a genius!

This little treatise on the lovely language

we share is only for the brave.

Peruse at your leisure, English lovers.

 

Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

 

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present,

he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. ???

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

 

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;

neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England

or French fries in France (Surprise!).

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads,

which aren't sweet, are meat.

 

Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and

a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,

grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

 

 

If the plural of tooth is teeth,

why isn't the plural of booth beeth?

One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends

but not one amend.

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and

get rid of all but one of them,

what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end?

 

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables,

what does a humanitarian eat?

In what language do people recite at a play

and play at a recital?

Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

Have noses that run and feet that smell?

 

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,

while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language

in which your house can burn up as it burns down,

in which you fill in a form by filling it out,

and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

 

 

English was invented by people, not computers,

and it reflects the creativity of the human race,

which, of course, is not a race at all.

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible,

but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

 

P.S. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?

[SA Rios]

Its still easier than this...

[beam]

Originally posted by SA Rios Its still easier than this...

 

That's debatable.

[zachoff]

The English languague was outsourced to India last week..

[TheDarxide]

My boss is from Uganda, he speaks English and knows the rules of grammar better than i do

 

He hasn't taught me gujerati yet.....

[beam]

Originally posted by TheDarxide My boss is from Uganda, he speaks English and knows the rules of grammar better than i do He hasn't taught me gujerati yet.....

 

He's from Uganda and speaks Gujarati?

I assume he is of Indian decent?

[B-Bottom]

 

Originally posted by beam He's from Uganda and speaks Gujarati?

 

 

that sounds like a limerick

[beam]

Originally posted by B-Bottom that sounds like a limerick

 

naa, dat's Ireland

[bassballs]

Originally posted by zachoff The English languague was outsourced to India last week..

 

Too funny!

[nicebigstrings]

I've had a real fun time trying to explain to my non-native English speaking friends the differences in pronunciation of the following:

 

thought

though

tough

through

trough

bough

[Pugflop]

I guess that whole Esperanto thing never took off then?

 

[Craig Vecchione]

Originally posted by TheDarxide My boss is from Uganda, he speaks English and knows the rules of grammar better than i do

 

 

Indeed. Your sentence should have read:

My boss is from Uganda. He speaks English, and knows the rules of grammar better than I.

 

 

[fureybass]

You have to remember that English is derived from many different languages. Though it comes from Germanic mother tongue, there is still a healthy amount of romantic languages. Which would cause a lot of overlap in vocabulary.

 

Also there is a funny class thing in the development of english which caused roast "beast" to become 'Beef" and "pig" to also be called "Pork". The Angles and Saxons and Britons and invading Normans all had to hash out a language together.

 

And really there are silly things in Latin, too. "Malus" can mean apple or bad.

 

The "irregular" verbs we learn about in school come from their prevalance. Is, to be, is the most bizarre, why? Because it is the most used verb around. Words that are not used a lot eventually fall into a classfication. If humans were particularly lazy and didn't run everywhere, it may be walk, wulk. Instead it's walk, walked. But we're industrious little bees and run stayed "irregular" and stayed ran not runned.

 

Don't gripe about how weird English is because really all languages have their oddities that make it difficult for new comers to learn it. It means that you ahve to learn the grammar. So Darxide's Ugandan friend knows the grammar better than he. Taking Latin is the best thing I ever did to improve my grasp of grammar.

[Les_Izzmor]

I remember seeing somewhere that somebody once said you could spell "fish" GHOTI.

 

You use the GH sound from enough

The O would be pronounced like it is in women

And the TI would get its sound from its pronounciation in "TION".

[SA Rios]

Originally posted by Craigv Indeed. Your sentence should have read: My boss is from Uganda. He speaks English, and knows the rules of grammar better than I.

Hey, professor Know it all. There should be no comma after English.

[Super_Donut_Man]

I agree with this man. I feel sorry for all those who have to learn english as a second language

[B-Bottom]

Originally posted by Super_Donut_Man I agree with this man. I feel sorry for all those who have to learn english as a second language

 

 

Guess we'll see how many people feel sorry for you when you're forced to learn Spanish.

[beam]

 

Originally posted by SA Rios Hey, professor Know it all. There should be no comma after English.

 

 

Yes there should be, if you want to follow a certain vocal pattern.

 

Imagine if you were saying it. For effect, you could have the pause in there that would be represented with a comma.

[SA Rios]

 

Originally posted by beam Yes there should be, if you want to follow a certain vocal pattern. Imagine if you were saying it. For effect, you could have the pause in there that would be represented with a comma.

 

 

With that said, you could also begin a sentance with a conjunction. That too, is done for literary effect. However, it does not mean it is correct grammer.

[Super_Donut_Man]

Originally posted by B-Bottom Guess we'll see how many people feel sorry for you when you're forced to learn Spanish.

 

It is still easier to learn Spanish than English.

[beam]

Originally posted by Super_Donut_Man It is still easier to learn Spanish than English.

 

That's true hehe

[fureybass]

 

Originally posted by SA Rios With that said, you could also begin a sentance with a conjunction. That too, is done for literary effect. However, it does not mean it is correct grammer.

 

 

It's just "proper" grammar. There's no real grammatical reason you can't start a sentence with an conjunction. It's like paragraphs need to ahve at least three sentences, it's bull.

 

Spanish, French and Italian are easier to learn because they are older and more codified languages or canonized to use the correct linguistic term. The French government has an office that specifically enforces language with legal authority. There are really funny stories about the French government trying to ban words.

 

These canonized languages have over the years standardized their grammatical stuctures and word usage like tenses. English is a little younger, so it does not want to fit into a structure. Modern english is really a few hundred years old.

 

If you look at Greek, Latin and Spanish for instance you can see the development. Langages tend to get simpler and more clear as they evolve. Greek has six noun cases, Latin five and spanish four (I think, No Espanol).

[Jazz Ad]

Originally posted by Pugflop I guess that whole Esperanto thing never took off then?

Actually itis.

International standard language is some bastardized form of english.

Nobody knows exactly what it is and where it came from, but it exists.

[Kaesh]

English is very simple. The only confusing thing can be the pronounciation and ortography(spelling), and still, it's not that hard comparing to other languages. Everything else is a walk in the park.

[nicebigstrings]

Originally posted by Super_Donut_Man It is still easier to learn Spanish than English.

 

It is certainly easier to learn the Spanish writing system. All letters have only ONE sound. When I was studying in Spain often a prof would say a word I hadn't heard before and I'd take a guess at it and write it down. Sure enough when I got home - voila! - there it was in the dictionary.

 

Grammatically speaking, Spanish has its puzzles like the subjunctive tense, gender of certain nouns and reflexives. Still, pretty easy as far as languages go.