Craig's List - 5 Reasons to Vote for Craig in 2016

Craig's List - 5 Reasons to Vote for Craig in 2016

To be fair, though, no one said they were good reasons

by Craig Anderton ... er um, Bob Smith ...

Craig Anderton has now learned to talk about himself in the third person, so Craig Anderton is qualified to be president! He’s the only write-in option that’s all about musicians. With the predicted low voter turnout, give Craig Anderton 27 votes and the following platform might become reality!

1: The “Squash Control” law. All consumer gear will have, in addition to volume and tone controls, a “squash” maximizing control for killing the dynamic range. Mastering engineers won’t have to make unlistenable masters any more—consumers can make music unlistenable all by themselves! Power to the people!

2: Craig Anderton will declare a “War on Loudness.” We’ve all heard about the loudness wars. But if it's classified as a real war, then we can distribute trillions of dollars to musicians, who are of course on the front lines. If the Pentagon can pay $434 for a hammer, then by golly, don’t you think your CD is worth at least $90? Oops, excuse me…I meant $900. Or maybe $9,000. Yeah…that’s the ticket.

3: Mandatory drug testing. Ever since the early days of jazz, musicians have had a reputation—deserved or not—for smoking marijuana. Mandatory drug testing will ensure that whatever they ingest is of the highest possible quality, and grown solely in the United States to improve our trade deficit dramatically. Overnight, Kentucky will have a totally rockin’ economy!

4: Now that he's learned to refer to himself in the third person, Craig Anderton will get all major voting blocs to vote for Craig Anderton. To win over the religious right, part of my platform will be “Make a joyful noise unto the Lord—and find out how to ‘make better noise’ from the Harmony Central web site!” To “woo the black vote,” Bootsy Collins will be nominated as Secretary of Funk—a newly-created cabinet position intended to loosen up all those uptight politicians and lobbyists. And for seniors, Medicare will offer free hearing aids that filter out rap and EDM, but let other sounds pass unimpeded.

5: “The “NASCAR Jacket” law. Musicians do endorsements—and Congress could learn something from us! So, all Congresspeople will be required to wear NASCAR-type jackets with the corporate logos of their sponsors, and we’ll know which brands they endorse. Oh, they don’t want people to know? Hmmm…this might take some work.

Breaking News! Speaker of the House Paul Ryan Endorses Craig Anderton for President!

As Ryan states, "I'm proud to announce my endorsement of Craig Anderton for President. We all know upfront that he's crazy, so the media won't waste valuable time debating whether he is or not. Furthermore, he has now learned to speak of himself in the third person - an essential trait for being President - and his choice of Skeeter the Wonder Dog for VP is a brilliant strategic decision because who doesn't like dogs? Finally, in return for my endorsement he said he'll change my title to 'Loudspeaker of the House,' which you have to admit is much cooler." 

Discuss Craig Anderton for President here! Especially if you are concerned with "Electile" Dysfunction!

______________________________________________ 

 Craig Anderton is Editorial Director of Harmony Central. He has played on, mixed, or produced over 20 major label releases (as well as mastered over a hundred tracks for various musicians), and written over a thousand articles for magazines like Guitar Player, Keyboard, Sound on Sound (UK), and Sound + Recording (Germany). He has also lectured on technology and the arts in 38 states, 10 countries, and three languages.